“Don’t I Look Fat, Though?”

I showed my daughter,Haley, an old picture of the two of us that I had found on my phone.

“Don’t I look fat, though?” I asked after she said she liked the picture.

“Mom, if you keep thinking like that you will keep attracting what you don’t want.”

“I know that, but……..” I tried to say defensively. I already know that, don’t I?

She told me a story of two of her friends. One lost weight because she was speaking about what she wanted to attract. One “got ugly” because she was always afraid she was. Whatever that means, I get the point.

Why don’t I remember this? My brain is so “to the negative” and it seems so true.

“You look good,” some of my weight watchers friends told me last week. It was the end of our meeting. I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror.

“I can’t look good at this weight,” my mind automatically told me. “They’re just being nice.”

I went back out. “Do you REALLY think so?” I asked Maria. “Are you just saying it because you’re a nice person?”

“No. I really mean it. You look great. I haven’t been around for a while and I was noticing how good you looked from across the room.”

Another friend wrote me a note: “You are extremely fit. You are amazingly fit.” And it doesn’t say FAT, it says FIT, she said.

Today at the gym a guy I know suggested I row.

“You can get a really high metabolic work out.”

I heard it as “you really need to lose weight and this will help.”

Yesterday, after Haley’s positive lecture, I still walked around Hollywood where we are staying as if I was fat and ugly. I just was.

At dinner, I went into the ladies room. I looked at myself.

I did look good. My legs did look fit and muscular and not the huge tree trunks I always imagine. My face looked pretty and not the round too fat face I thought would be looking back at me. The pink of my shirt gave me a healthy nice look. It didn’t make me look obese as I had thought while we were walking.

I came back to the table. “I actually look pretty good.” I said.

Haley’s friend Laurence agreed. “I was going to tell you how good you look,” he said. “Better than you looked when I saw you last year.”

“Did I look terrible last year?” I asked. I couldn’t help myself.

“No, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m just saying you look good now.”

“Oh, ok.” See how automatic it is.

I guess if I’ve spent my many years thinking negatively, it’s not going to change immediately.

My brain will keep telling me I’m fat, but I can SAY something different.

“I AM HAPPY AND I LOOK FUCKING AMAZING!!!” I can say.

“I AM HAPPY, LIVE IN ABUNDANCE, LOOK FABULOUS, and HAVE A GREAT LIFE!!”

“I AM HAPPY, LIVE IN ABUNDANCE, LOOK FABULOUS, HAVE A GREAT LIFE, AND I AM ATTRACTING AN AMAZING MAN TO BE MY LIFE PARTNER AND LIVE MY DREAM LIFE ADVENTURE”

Well, it’s going to take some work. Not to be negative, but I’ve said this kind of thing before, just a couple of blogs ago. I guess I just forgot. It’s not bad, I just forget.

Because I’m a human being. And I’m perfect just as I am.

And so are you.

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