I have created a new context for my life. Last night my context was: angry brat who seeks revenge on anyone who has done me wrong.
I couldn’t figure out how to get out of being the brat. And, I will admit, a part of me was enjoying it. I was wearing my “CAPE OF REVENGE” and envisioning all sorts of ways to “get people back.” Blood, destruction, harm, etc. It was way more violent than I’d like to admit.
As much as I liked it, I knew that wasn’t who I wanted to be. I decided to use my initiative, “saying what can’t be said.” I reached out to Shereen, my seminar leader, since she was the one I wanted to punish.
Why would I want to do that? Good question.
Here’s what happened:
I was a substitute on the group leader call. I shared something. Then, later when I wanted to share again, Shereen said that instead of calling on me, she wanted to give the other people a chance to say something.
Not a big deal. Logically I knew that made sense. Of course the other people should share.
I was fine, right?
Not really. I didn’t listen to a word that was said after that. I did other work on my computer, answered texts, and prepared my to do list for the next day. And, after the call I decided that instead of sitting in the front row like usual at the seminar tomorrow, I was going to sit in the back, not pay attention, endure it, and go home. I was done with participating at Landmark and in the world. Fuck them all, my mind was saying. Fuck THEM ALL!!!!
I confessed my brattiness to Shereen. “I know it’s immature, but it’s not really giving me any freedom to know that.”
“Well, what kind of person needs to get people back?” Shereen asked.
Hmmmmmmmm………”A victim,” I said.
“And there’s nothing wrong with that. We all enjoy being the victim at times.”
“I hate to admit that I’m a victim,” I said. “It seems shameful and wrong and bad.”
“Well, you could actually be empowered by it.”
“How?” I asked.
We talked for a while. Most of what I said was still “being hurt by someone,” wanting to get them back, not being REALLY open to relationships, aka still a victim.
“What’s a new context you could create?” she asked.
I didn’t know. Everything I thought of was a fix for not getting hurt and trying not to be left.
“What my dream has been since I was little is to have a really great, loving relationship with a man – passion, empowerment, feeling secure, safe, travelling, financial abundance, etc.” I said. “I don’t say it anymore because I’ve been too resigned…… There’s something wrong with me. I pick the wrong ones. They lie………I guess that’s more of being a victim, isn’t it?”
“Well, how would you be in that dream relationship?”
I thought about it. I couldn’t figure it out. I was on my way to meet my boss and his boss. I wanted them to acknowledge me. I could see that was also a fix.
“There’s not enough acknowledgement in the world to have you feel ok,”Shereen said. It was all still in the victim paradigm.
“Damn,” I said. “How do I get out of this?”
I made the last turn, driving through a closed road. After a conversation with the police officer who told me not to take that route anymore, I almost gave up. “I don’t know.”
Driving past the barrier at the other end of the closed road, I kept thinking.
“Empowered,” popped out of my mouth. “My new context is “Empowering partnerships. Everywhere and with everyone. That’s not a fix. That’s exciting. And my dream relationship would be a part of that.”
I knew I had it. I could feel it in my bones. We got off the phone and I had am amazing review with the boss’s. They were impressed with my plan and how I was working with my people. I felt alive and free. Powerful.
Thank God I called Shereen when I did. It was perfect timing. I got to choose empowering partnerships instead of going in as a victim. Boy would that have sucked. Phew.
And I still feel empowered. Part of my brain is saying “don’t worry, it won’t last.”
But the other part is FIRED UP!!!!!
So wish me luck. I’ll keep you posted. Have a great day!!!!!