What’s the difference?

I don’t know. I know I need to share and vent the real me. Otherwise I stay quiet and stuck and don’t want to talk to anyone.

Sharing has been come back to the world and feel connected. That’s just me!!!!

Some people can’t hear complaining. I suppose it depends on who it is, etc.

I’m going to record another one. That reminds me of something.

Here’s where I share what “someone” was complaining about someone complaining. I’m thinking if it’s someone close to us it’s harder to hear.

Just thinking………

Gotta get to work. I’ve been so distracted by this I haven’t really started my calls yet.

OOPSIE!!!

How does this happen?

I had an awesome weekend with the Fabulous Babes. We were a group of 5 amazing women who had worked at Drexel Burnham Lambert on Wall Street in the late 1980’s. We were named by one of the many men who worked at Drexel. And we loved that name!

4 of us got together near Albany this weekend. We what’s app’d in our 5th Babe from London on Sunday.

We hadn’t been together in over 25 years as a group. We had always said we would get together, but it just hadn’t happened until now.

It was wonderful. It was as if we had seen each other last week except for the fact that we had 25 years to catch up on. It took a while to let everyone tell their story. We laughed, we cried, we walked, we ate and we drank.

We looked at old photo albums.

I had forgotten a bunch of things:

• how much fun we had
• how great we all looked – yes, even me
• how confident we all were
• how many people we knew
• the awesome things we did
• how much fun we had – I know, it’s a repeat – we REALLY DID!!
• how wild and crazy we were
• and most importantly – how much I love these ladies!!!

I’m amazed.

Because in my 20 year marriage funk, I had felt all alone.

And my automatic thought is that people don’t like me. It’s not rational, just automatic. I kind of live in fear, hoping that they don’t find out the real me. I’m just too annoying for many reasons for people to stick around. After all, in my driveway incident, at 2, they left me there. There must have been a reason.

And even though it makes no sense, (I was 2 for God’s sake), it still runs my show. It seems real. I have to be on guard so people don’t find out how I REALLY AM!!!

It seems crazy, but I really saw this weekend that I live that way.

On my drive home I could see those thoughts for what they are – just thoughts. Actually not real. These girls really like me. And they’ve known me for 25 years.

When did I get this fucked up in my thoughts? Was I always this way and just hid it? Did I lose all my confidence after Drexel went bankrupt? When I got married? When my marriage wasn’t what I thought it was and I blamed myself?

And does it really matter WHEN? Or does it matter that I ground myself as often as I can in love, connection and living in the in between now and moving forward?

Easier said than done.

It’s so easy to wake up into the shitter:

• fat
• miserable
• unlovable
• powerless
• hopeless
• unmotivated

This morning, driving to my office, I was trying to wrestle off my hopelessness and powerlessness. I couldn’t. It just got worse and my back and neck were in pain. I felt tired and just wanted to go back to bed.

I argued with myself and made it wrong that I wasn’t all excited and passionate about work like the people running our Monday calls. I was wrong, wrong wrong.

When that didn’t work I decided I’d stop resisting it. I would just BE hopeless and powerless. Bask in it. And ask God to show me what I couldn’t see.

After all, whether I want to do this job or not, I still have bills to pay and retirement to save for.

Like other times I’ve stopped resisting “the blob,” all of a sudden, I felt alive again. I started generating ideas. I got in touch with the love I felt this weekend for my amazing Babes. And how lucky I am to have them. And to have the renewal income from my job. And that I have my family.

I couldn’t get in touch with this when I was resisting how I was. All I could see was how wrong I was.

You’d think I’d know this by now. You’d think this would be automatic by now – to know this.

I guess I need more practice – in accepting myself as I am just a little faster.

I don’t know if I will ever automatically wake up into a world where I am loved just as I am. Automatically remembering that people love me; that I am connected to wonderful loving people all over the world; and that we are one big loving community.

But I can get quicker at remembering it. Because it’s a much more fun way to live.

It took me 4 hours today. Tomorrow maybe it can be 3!!!

I can only hope!!!

Thanks for listening. I can’t do a video this morning since I’m at my office.

Stay tuned for later. I can’t wait.

Have a great day!!

Just recorded two videos. You’ll have to go to YouTube “Getting Real with Hilary” to listen.

Aren’t you curious about the Tongue?

About my date last night?

Well, go see if you can find those videos and you’ll hear all about them.

If you can’t find them, …………oh, never mind.

OK, I’ll make it easy on you.

Enjoy. Comments are welcome.

Have a great day!!!!

I’m not sure I should post this one. I was feeling frustrated and disappointed and decided to try to see if I could talk my way out of it.

I hate when people tell me to be positive. It annoys the fuck out of me. I think it’s my shtick.

DON’T TELL ME HOW TO BE!! I want to scream. LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

It kicks in my I shouldn’t be the way I am thing.

But, really, show me the rule that says that a person HAS TO BE POSITIVE!!!

There isn’t one!

Am I on a rampage? Yes I am.

And it feels good to blow off my frustration. I hate pretending to be happy when I’m not.

Wanna hear the list?

Couldn’t fall asleep until 3:00 AM. It’s just hitting me now.

It’s raining and cold and I have a date and I have no idea what to wear. I haven’t worn winter clothes in a long time. I forgot what I have. I don’t feel like having to be peppy.

I’m getting my hair colored and cut and see above – it’s raining so it will look like shit.

I just ate more multigrain guiltless chips than I had intended to.

My back hurts

OK – work – a category unto itself:

• the last 4 months have been the worst in years in terms of sales
• my last new agent quit today
• the other new one quit after one day this week
• my old agents aren’t working
• basically I have NO TEAM
• I have lost any confidence I ever had
• I can’t see how things could ever get good again
• I’m tired
• My back hurts – I know that’s a repeat
• I’m tired – repeat
• Back/tired/back/tired etc.

And, as always, I feel like I should be happy anyway. Just to join the rest of humanity. Be positive. Law of Attraction. Be grateful. Loser for feeling this way.

I’m very wrong for feeling this way. Just shoot me and put me out of my misery.

So you can vote on if I should take this negative, venting video off the public site.

I couldn’t decide. Maybe someone else will feel better about themselves.

Or, they will wish they hadn’t press play.

I’ll take feedback.

Have a great fucking day.

Actually, just allowing myself to feel negative is taking some of the edge off. Try it. It’s better than making it wrong.

Adios.

Thanks for listening.

After recording my video today, I told the two guys that I was referring to that this is not a fit.

Finally I could breathe. One tried to call me and I blocked him.

I could see that my people pleasing and ‘thinking my discomfort was my fault’ was having me continue communication with these two.

I felt pressured, awkward and obliged – even though I never met either one.

I had communicated with “M” my nervousness and he told me “leave the past in the past.”

His response was my trigger for introspection. Why did it piss me off so much?

A. He wasn’t hearing me.

B. Because, for me, the past is where I need to learn. So I don’t pick manipulative, critical, controlling men again. And, here I was. Placating men who were impatient for the next response, asking how many of the dating site men I was talking to, asking where was I, etc.

I guess I should be grateful that I fucking woke up. My instincts were screaming but I was not listening. I was blaming myself for “creating pressure.”

I’d say this was a gift. I am free.

I have a date with a guy tomorrow who actually wants to meet in person. I don’t know who he is or where his profile was, but I don’t care. I am going to be honest and if it offends him, oh well. I am tired of worrying about doing this right and not offending anyone. Fuck that. I want someone with a little bit of a spine.

I’m tired of attracting the weanies and weak and controlling and judgemental.

So yay – hallelujah- please remind me when I forget.

OK, gotta go.

Thanks for listening.

Definitely the most out of control, but also the most fun.

TOPIC 1: I actually fixed my computer.

First the video wouldn’t work. I got it working and there was no sound.

But I did it. I asked it for help and ACTUALLY followed the instructions. It took a while, but I’m very proud that I didn’t just give up.

TOPIC 2: I’m seeing how I am run by trying to keep people happy. And I don’t know them. It’s fucking nuts. I put pressure on myself which makes me anxious, mad, frustrated and mean. Not a good combo.

But, now that I see it, I can DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. That’s good to see.

TOPIC 3: I’ve calmed down about the book. I made a new to do list for myself. Some of the tasks like the cover and formatting I am going to get help with. They are beyond me.

I have to re read and put back all the names I changed in my mad, reactivated state last week. I will do that when I am calmer.

OK, getting on a call in 6 minutes. Gotta go.

Thanks for listening.

OK – all I did was look at how messed up my lipstick was. That’s it.

I have to leave in 41 minutes so I don’t have time to re-record. Oh well. Whatever as the kids used to say.

OTHER COMMENTS:

I did write back to the on-line stranger who was professing his l0ve. I said that since we’ve never met, I don’t know how he can say that. That was bold for me. I wanted to just ignore him, but I may as well learn, right? (Actually I’m not sure. Maybe I should be running……….)

Some of them are just weird. I have to fight the urge to sacrifice myself and my instincts to BE NICE. So I don’t hurt their feelings. Where the f— does that get me?

My son helped me with that this morning.

“They are weird,” he said. “If someone came up and said they were in love with you in person and had never met you, wouldn’t you think that was weird?”

“Yes,” I said.
“Well, this is no different. If it doesn’t feel right, it’s not.”

Thank you, my boy.

I’ve been trying to keep these strangers happy and I DON’T NEED TO.

So this is good. I’m seeing where I’m still people pleasing and being pleasant.

(It doesn’t feel very good, but so what? Neither does being alone forever because I’m too afraid to risk being hurt).

OK, I gotta run. Thank you all for your support and comments. It keeps me going.

Thanks also for listening. This is OUT OF THE BOX!!!!

Also, I don’t know how to promote these without putting them on facebook. It’s a little too out there for my work people to see these. Just saying……..any suggestions?

Well, I got some weird stuff out on this one.

I can’t believe how afraid I am to speak up to these on line dating men.

What the hell am I afraid of?

They don’t like me?

They don’t respond?

Or that I’m just a nasty, picky, high maintenance bitch who can never be pleased.

Is what they are doing normal and it’s me who’s weird?

Or do I just attract the weirdos?

I also get embarrassed for them in case they are sincere. I just can’t tell.

I don’t want to admit that I can’t keep them straight. Also, I don’t know if I like them. How can you tell on a text?

I’m also being a people pleaser and trying to get them to like me even though some are boring me and definitely text too many paragraphs.

It’s just such a freaking weird set up. Talking to people you don’t know.

Who are the players? Who are the sincere?

Are their pictures 1000 years old?

I have no idea about any of it.

Whatever…….Time to go out.

I’m just not loving feeling so nervous all the time.

Oh, I’m trying to get it right, aren’t I? I think that’s it. Well, there is no right. So I can relax. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

Gotta go.

Thanks for listening.

Here’s another one. #9. I’m overwhelmed by my muddled to do list in my head. Feeling stressed.

In my video I said I would make a list of everything I have to do and prioritize it. So here goes:

• make my 30 work calls – I’m up to 20
• make today’s video – check
• figure out what I’m speaking about tonight – check
• game plan for book snag – later
• get to my messages and emails – later
• fix my websites – later
• follow up on song and web site guy – tomorrow
• chiropractor – this PM
• financial guy – this PM

That might be it. It’s not that bad. It just SEEMS overwhelming when it’s all smashed in together in my head. The discomfort is from the feeling that I might be upsetting someone. Then they will “leave me in the driveway.”

It’s just an old brain pattern.

If it happens, it’s ok. I’ve survived this before. No one will die.

If someone’s upset, it’s ok. No one will die.

That’s the way it feels when I am not getting to something. That someone will die. It feels like life or death. So it’s good for me to distinguish it so I can stop, take a breath and try to relax again.

It’s just old patterns from childhood when I was afraid to get someone mad because it seemed like it was DANGEROUS. I needed to avoid this AT ALL COSTS!!!!

Rather than be ashamed that I am this way, I can just accept myself for how I am. I don’t have to be different. I am fine. It’s all good. I really do have a fucking great life. I have an amazing life.

And I have brain patterns and body sensations, I’m out of my comfort zone and it’s really fucking amazing. It really is. What I’ve accomplished the last week is mind blowing in a wonderful way.

Thanks for all of your encouragement and wonderful feedback.

And, as always, thanks for listening.

OK, this one was difficult and I had to record twice.

The whole night I was just feeling uncomfortable about these videos, my book, reliving the past by rereading my book, and I can’t remember the other thing. Sad!!!

I tried to be with the body sensations but they didn’t go away. So I made this video. Twice.

The first was over 6 minutes and I thought that was too long. I hated my hair and thought I rambled. So I made it again.

It was still 6 minutes. So I made it public. You can tell me if it’s too long.

Oh yeah, the other thing was the on-line dating. I have so many emails and messages that I was freaking out. How can I get to them all? I don’t have TIME!!! I don’t know how to have a relationship. I wanted to hide. Escape from all of it.

This morning I was still a little calmer. Until I got to work, got embarrassed, and read that horrible email telling me how horrible I am.

Then, I got all messed up again.

Resolutions: I don’t have to respond to the on-line dating emails immediately. I can take my time. Go through them slowly and when it works for my schedule. And be calm. I don’t have to know what I’m doing. I’m practicing and willing to make mistakes. I don’t have to hide.

Being embarrassed – it’s uncomfortable but not fatal

Being disapproved of – it’s just their opinion, not the truth

Being told I’m bad – being bad is fun – I’m tired of pretending I’m good when I’m not

I lived through all of them. And here I am. After talking about it on the video, I am calmer and still breathing.

You can watch the video if you want to hear more details, especially about the book. Shush, it’s a secret.

OK, I have to get back to work.

Thanks for listening.