OK, this one was difficult and I had to record twice.
The whole night I was just feeling uncomfortable about these videos, my book, reliving the past by rereading my book, and I can’t remember the other thing. Sad!!!
I tried to be with the body sensations but they didn’t go away. So I made this video. Twice.
The first was over 6 minutes and I thought that was too long. I hated my hair and thought I rambled. So I made it again.
It was still 6 minutes. So I made it public. You can tell me if it’s too long.
Oh yeah, the other thing was the on-line dating. I have so many emails and messages that I was freaking out. How can I get to them all? I don’t have TIME!!! I don’t know how to have a relationship. I wanted to hide. Escape from all of it.
This morning I was still a little calmer. Until I got to work, got embarrassed, and read that horrible email telling me how horrible I am.
Then, I got all messed up again.
Resolutions: I don’t have to respond to the on-line dating emails immediately. I can take my time. Go through them slowly and when it works for my schedule. And be calm. I don’t have to know what I’m doing. I’m practicing and willing to make mistakes. I don’t have to hide.
Being embarrassed – it’s uncomfortable but not fatal
Being disapproved of – it’s just their opinion, not the truth
Being told I’m bad – being bad is fun – I’m tired of pretending I’m good when I’m not
I lived through all of them. And here I am. After talking about it on the video, I am calmer and still breathing.
You can watch the video if you want to hear more details, especially about the book. Shush, it’s a secret.
OK, I have to get back to work.
Thanks for listening.