Monday – Hopeless Again – Really?

How does this happen?

I had an awesome weekend with the Fabulous Babes. We were a group of 5 amazing women who had worked at Drexel Burnham Lambert on Wall Street in the late 1980’s. We were named by one of the many men who worked at Drexel. And we loved that name!

4 of us got together near Albany this weekend. We what’s app’d in our 5th Babe from London on Sunday.

We hadn’t been together in over 25 years as a group. We had always said we would get together, but it just hadn’t happened until now.

It was wonderful. It was as if we had seen each other last week except for the fact that we had 25 years to catch up on. It took a while to let everyone tell their story. We laughed, we cried, we walked, we ate and we drank.

We looked at old photo albums.

I had forgotten a bunch of things:

  • how much fun we had
  • how great we all looked – yes, even me
  • how confident we all were
  • how many people we knew
  • the awesome things we did
  • how much fun we had – I know, it’s a repeat – we REALLY DID!!
  • how wild and crazy we were
  • and most importantly – how much I love these ladies!!!

I’m amazed.

Because in my 20 year marriage funk, I had felt all alone.

And my automatic thought is that people don’t like me. It’s not rational, just automatic. I kind of live in fear, hoping that they don’t find out the real me. I’m just too annoying for many reasons for people to stick around. After all, in my driveway incident, at 2, they left me there. There must have been a reason.

And even though it makes no sense, (I was 2 for God’s sake), it still runs my show. It seems real. I have to be on guard so people don’t find out how I REALLY AM!!!

It seems crazy, but I really saw this weekend that I live that way.

On my drive home I could see those thoughts for what they are – just thoughts. Actually not real. These girls really like me. And they’ve known me for 25 years.

When did I get this fucked up in my thoughts? Was I always this way and just hid it? Did I lose all my confidence after Drexel went bankrupt? When I got married? When my marriage wasn’t what I thought it was and I blamed myself?

And does it really matter WHEN? Or does it matter that I ground myself as often as I can in love, connection and living in the in between now and moving forward?

Easier said than done.

It’s so easy to wake up into the shitter:

  • fat
  • miserable
  • unlovable
  • powerless
  • hopeless
  • unmotivated

This morning, driving to my office, I was trying to wrestle off my hopelessness and powerlessness. I couldn’t. It just got worse and my back and neck were in pain. I felt tired and just wanted to go back to bed.

I argued with myself and made it wrong that I wasn’t all excited and passionate about work like the people running our Monday calls. I was wrong, wrong wrong.

When that didn’t work I decided I’d stop resisting it. I would just BE hopeless and powerless. Bask in it. And ask God to show me what I couldn’t see.

After all, whether I want to do this job or not, I still have bills to pay and retirement to save for.

Like other times I’ve stopped resisting “the blob,” all of a sudden, I felt alive again. I started generating ideas. I got in touch with the love I felt this weekend for my amazing Babes. And how lucky I am to have them. And to have the renewal income from my job. And that I have my family.

I couldn’t get in touch with this when I was resisting how I was. All I could see was how wrong I was.

You’d think I’d know this by now. You’d think this would be automatic by now – to know this.

I guess I need more practice – in accepting myself as I am just a little faster.

I don’t know if I will ever automatically wake up into a world where I am loved just as I am. Automatically remembering that people love me; that I am connected to wonderful loving people all over the world; and that we are one big loving community.

But I can get quicker at remembering it. Because it’s a much more fun way to live.

It took me 4 hours today. Tomorrow maybe it can be 3!!!

I can only hope!!!

Thanks for listening. I can’t do a video this morning since I’m at my office.

Stay tuned for later. I can’t wait.

Have a great day!!

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