OK – this is the logo in progress. We still have to change the pink. It’s for my web site. One of the things I don’t know how to do is center and align and make fit. I have learned how to do some things, and I am completely clueless on others.

But I am making progress. I am learning. It isn’t easy.

What I learned is if I can get through the frustration stage, I can get to little bits of progress and pride.

I’m not sure I’m at the fun stage yet, but I’m getting there.

Won’t it be great when I can really create and update and play with my REAL WEB SITE. And feel confident doing so. It’s just a learning curve, I hope.

The reason I was in a hurry to get something up and running was because I put on my book cover that I had a web site. I didn’t want people to go there and not find one.

If you want to go see it, you are welcome. It is literally in its infancy so NO JUDGING!!!

home

home

OK – well obviously it’s not working to embed so so much for what I learned today.

You should be able to go to http://www.gettingrealwithHilary.com

That’s all I know.

And here’s the video. I have to go. Adios.

OK – this video was about how I learned that I don’t suck in sales. It was a miracle. I was enjoying my day today, being productive. Ladeedahdeedah.

Then, I just called a client at 5:00. The time was had agreed to talk so she could decide about the life policy she was going to get. She didn’t pick up. I tried her again. Then texted her.

NO RESPONSE!

The suck returned in an instant. BOOM!! DOWN THE NEGATIVITY TUNNEL!!!!!!

I got the idea to make a suck list. It could be all the triggers into the Land of Suck.

But wait – I’ve done this before. I used to have a different blog. It was called “Tired of Feeling Bad.”

I talked about the “Two Sides of Life.”

The left was the suck side of life. The right was the good side.

I had lists of what sent me over to the left.

And strategies to get me back to the right.

It was good stuff. I guess I need one of those strategies right now.

NOTE: I just texted this girl to let me know another good time to talk. I had been looking forward to making some money today from my potential sale. BUT NO!!!!!!!! NOT HAPPENING TONIGHT!!!!

ARGHHHHHH!!!

OK BACK TO THE STRATEGY: Let it go. Work on my puzzle. Breathe.

OK. I was annoyed but now I am back. I am MOVING ON!!!!

Thanks for listening. Breathe. Breathe Breathe.

Have a great “right side” night!!!!

I did not have much success today. I was trying to have a positive attitude about it, but it wasn’t working.

It just felt like everything sucked and it was ALWAYS going to suck.

I was wondering what was wrong with me.

My brain was going wild telling me what a miserable, complaining loser I was.

And then a crazy miracle happened – one of my coworkers called – she was actually more miserable than me.

What was the miracle?

My negativity lifted. I actually got happy. It was really crazy.

I was so happy that I wasn’t the only one who was feeling negative.

Whatever works, right?

Anyway,………..

The rest is in the video.

Have a great night.

I am at my mother’s. I am watching my sister’s daughter’s dog. His name is Gibbs.

He has a UTI and possibly a kidney stone. So he has to pee “all the time.”

I am not a “dog person.” This is stretching me. And, I am hoping he won’t have to go outside before my sister gets back.

NEXT THOUGHT:

My sister took my mother to the doctor’s. She wrote up an 8 page document so that the doctor can evaluate my mom. This way “the doctor” can make the decisions and advise us what she needs.

She does not like what my sister says about “the lady.”

My mom does not want “that lady” to be living with her.

“I don’t need someone here. How much is it costing? It’s a waste of money. Why does she have to be here?” she asks me every day.

I try to be matter of fact. I ask my mom questions.

“I’d like to say you don’t need her, mom,” I say. “But what if you do something and get hurt? I don’t want to be the one who says you don’t need someone.”

Maybe that’s selfish of me. I don’t want anything to be my fault and get blamed if something bad happens. Or am I being smart? I don’t know.

I try to be “good” when I talk to her. I speak calmly and ask her questions so that she can make her own conclusions.

And inside my heart is breaking. Maybe because I’m thinking what if this was me? How would I feel? How would I like to be treated as someone who needs a “babysitter?”

My sister says that she would be happy if her kids got someone to take care of her if she could no longer take care of herself.

I guess I would too.

The problem is that my mom doesn’t think she needs someone.

“I don’t like someone being here all the time. Would you like it?” she asks me.

“No.” I answer. “It’s just that it seems that the part of your brain where you make good decisions is not working. You can say you won’t put the coffee pot on the stove, but when you want to warm up your coffee, you do it anyway, not realizing it can start a fire.”

“I only did it once,” my mom says.

“No, you did it at least six times,’ I answer gently.

It’s a circular conversation that doesn’t seem to get anywhere or give either of us any comfort.

But what else can we do?

I am trying to comfort her. I am trying to give her dignity. I am trying to have her know we love her. That we want the best for her.

I just can’t give her what she wants: her freedom and her memory back.

And I am sad about that.

So I’m allowing the sadness when it comes. Cause as I’ve said, it’s my mom. I don’t like to see her frustrated and upset.

And I am grateful to have her. I am grateful for my siblings. Even for my sister – especially for my sister (that’s a breakthrough). I don’t necessarily always like the way she does things, but I am grateful that she is doing what she does.

Selfishly because then I don’t have to do it.

I am growing in my attitude, folks, can you see that?

Trying to accept people exactly as they are, and exactly as they aren’t. That is my commitment.

And it’s not always easy.

Have a great day. More to come.

I was rear ended on Route 1 this morning.

I’m fine. Just shaken up.

It’s just a shock. It comes in waves.

And the guy who hit me left the scene of the crime.

I couldn’t identify him because I thought he was going to follow me off the road. It was a WHITE VAN. That’s all I know.

I AM GRATEFUL:

• it could have been worse
• only my back is hurt
• my car only has a huge dent in the back
• I’m not in the hospital

BUT I HAVE TO SAY:

• IT REALLY SHOOK ME UP

And I can’t explain it. I’m just emotional.

I guess I don’t need to explain it. I can just accept how I am with no meaning.

I’m supposed to go out with some friends. All I want to do is curl up and moan in my bed.

I’m sure it is better to go and be with people.

Or is it?

Obviously my decision making and coping skills are not high right now.

I think I better end this before I really go off the deep end.

Have a great night.

Adios.

I never thought passed the point of publishing my book in too much detail.

I never thought of the body sensations that feel like I am in mortal danger.

“I’m worried about what people will think,” I told a friend.

“Well, you should have thought of that before you published the book,” she answered.

That’s not the point. I’m not complaining. I’m just noticing what I am feeling.

What’s important to me is to go through this fear to get to freedom.

This has been my life in every area:

• Worrying about what people think.

It’s just the construct that my brain made for me. To keep me safe and from being hurt.

(Well, hopefully I am not in actual danger because I published this.)

I am right now breathing through the tight chest and fast heart rate. Breathe, breathe, breathe. Some label it as anxiety. I am not labeling the body sensations. I am trying to experience them. Instead of resisting or making them wrong. So I can get to the freedom on the other side.

My Assessment:

I am doing GREAT. I really am.

ANOTHER TOPIC:

I am also going passed where I would normally stop with this gosh darn web site. (watch the video)

I can see that I want to say:

• I can’t do this
• I wasn’t born able to do design stuff
• I don’t know how
• I can’t
• I’m not put together for this kind of work

These are not the truth. They are just what I made up.

I am very proud to say that I am doing it anyway. Action is a lot easier than listening to my brain tell me I can’t.

I really am proud. Great strides today after a week of recuperation (my back), and mental discomfort about the book.

I am happy to report I am in a much clearer, healthier place. Because I allowed myself to be however I was this week. I accepted it (well, most of the time, anyway). I took care of myself, listened to my body and mind, and took it easy.

And I’m on my way to greater freedom.

Have a great day. I have to get back to my web site DESIGN.

Thanks for listening.

There were a few women’s issues I wanted to discuss for a long time. I finally got courageous in this video.

It’s a little long because I added stuff about trying to do my new web site at the end. Oh well. It’s hard to stop talking when I’m on a roll.

NEXT TOPIC:

I was looking at some educational videos today. They are my homework for my coaching session tomorrow. I started panicking. Maybe I shouldn’t have hired this woman.

I was so confronted that I had to take lie down on the couch and BREATHE. I allowed myself to experience the terror. I followed the train of thoughts, feelings, emotions, and body sensations. They ended up back at two young art incidents and then even further back to when I was born.

When I got up, I went back to the web site and tried to follow the directions. I tried to set up my new web site. I stopped. I don’t know which security to buy, which back-up shit I need, etc. NO CLUE!

I will let her help me tomorrow. Here’s what I have to say about it:

I HATE THAT SHIT!! I HATE NOT KNOWING what I am doing. I hate not being able to make progress. I like to get shit done. I hate asking for help. GRRRRRRRRRRR!

OK – thank you. That was a 5 year old tantrum. I think there is more……..

I HATE IT!!!!!! I think I should be able to whip through everything. I HATE RESEARCH and reading directions. I’d rather someone tell me what to do. Tell me and I’ll do it. I’ll do it fast.

Just don’t make me figure it out.

OK, that could be 6 years old.

OK, I feel a little better. It’s now 5:11 PM. Where did the day go? The problem with working from home is that the couch is right there. All it needs is a pillow, a blanket, and my body and it’s the perfect place for my nap.

Actually, my first nap was on the floor by the window. I opened the window so I could get some Vitamin D. It was definitely cold, but very refreshing.

It’s a good thing I don’t work from home every day. I’d be well-rested, but probably wouldn’t ever make any money from sales.

OK, gotta go. Thanks for listening.

Have a great night!!!

I recorded that video this morning. I have since had a mammogram, went to the chiropractor’s, to my office and I am now at a client’s office.

I’m waiting for my policyholder to come see me……………

In the meantime, I have to tell you what happened:

When I walked into the chiropractor’s office, the wife of the doctor told me she had ordered my book but hadn’t received it yet.

I asked her if she ordered on Amazon Prime and she said yes.

“That’s weird then,” I said. “I wonder why it hasn’t come.”

While I was standing there, the mail came. She opened up a soft white package. Out came MY BOOK. It was crazy.

Here I am with Dr. Propper, holding my book in my hands. I hadn’t seen a physical copy of the book yet so it was really thrilling. It is big, but oh well, that’s what I picked I guess when I selected the square shape.

I’m certainly not changing it NOW.

During my adjustment, I told Dr. Propper how achy I had been. You’ll never guess what he said…..

“Good.”

“Why good?” I asked.

“That means your body is releasing toxins. That’s great.”

“Oh. I thought I was getting the flu.”

“Nope.”

Well that’s a good thing. Today I am definitely not as achy.

I asked him if there was anything I should avoid doing since my back is messed up.

“Don’t life heavy weights.” I can do anything else.

So that’s great.

I am CONTENT. (You have to watch the video to understand that one.)

OK, more later. I better behave since I’m at the client’s office.

Thanks for listening.

I’m getting a call in around 5 minutes. So this will be short.

I am achey and feel YUCKO!!!

Feeling like “poop on a stick” like my kids used to say.

I don’t think I should feel this way.

Somehow it’s my fault. I must have done something to cause this!!!!

I am drinking water and have not yet stopped resisting this. SOON!!!

————————————————————–

This video is only @ 6 minutes.

Enjoy!

Have a good night!!

It only gives you three “thumbnails” to choose from, and none of them were good, so that’s why my head is chopped off – ……………………….it was either constipation look, mug shot, or this one…………..

————————————————————————————————

Although I am just back from vacation and should be rested and relaxed, I AM NOT!!

I got home late last night and got up to go to the gym early so I could get to my office. Luckily, the guy I was meeting texted me that he was sick (I know, aren’t I terrible for being happy about it), so instead of rushing to my office, I took my time. I went to the chiropractor, food shopping, and then home. I dragged my multitude of luggage, groceries, computer bag, mail, packages, etc. down my sandy wet path, and up the stairs into my house. It’s the ultimate in shlepping.

Yes, I carry alot of stuff with me. I needed vacation things, work things, and workout things, plus the mail and packages that had been delivered to my mother’s house. (Her house is my mailing address since my rental cottage is not for the whole year.)

I’m still sorting through everything. The clothes in my luggage felt wet – maybe they were just cold, but just in case they WERE wet, I didn’t want to put them away soggy, so right now they are all over my floor. Just saying……It’s a mess.

Then there’s my back. I thought I had messed up my leg since it was hurting the whole week. I figured I was just old and had danced too much.

So I went to the chiropractor. Apparently, it’s one of the discs in my back. The pain from my back is radiating down my leg. Is that a good thing? I guess it’s good for my leg, but not so good for my back.

After kvetching all morning, I finally broke down and took some motrin. It “used to” be my favorite drug. I try not to take it anymore since I was kind of addicted at one point.

However, since I was tired of feeling bad (my old blog name), I treated myself. Because being in pain sucks. Just saying……….

OK, now that I have whined.

The week was so much fun. Being around great people who are happy to see me is the best. Playing water volleyball, pool jenga, dancing lessons in the shallow water, disco dancing, having all your meals served, not having to clean anything up, AND, not having to pay for anything – oh, except the massages and blow outs (hair) – did I mention the spa services were 75% off the price. It’s a great way to live.

I had a four hands massage. Very interesting. Theses two ladies massage you in unison. One is pulling your arm, the other pulling your leg. It was nice, but I think I’d prefer the regular one, it’s not as confusing and a little more relaxing.

Oh wait, the regular one was Deep Tissue. I forgot about that – the painful parts were definitely NOT RELAXING. I kind of screamed during the back part and then had a nightmare when I dozed off that she had broken my knee and I’d never walk again. I guess I was a little stressed during that one, too. Thankfully when I got off the massage table I could still walk. Phew. Boy, was I glad I had imagined it.

BACK TO ME TODAY: I guess I can allow myself to just be tired. I traveled 17 hours yesterday. I danced for hours 3 of the nights, worked out every day, played the other games, woke up early for the gym, etc. AND, had the stress of trying to get my book published all week. I forgot about that.

While I’d like to think I’d come home relaxed like I said, I guess I can just allow myself to whine, moan and take it easy NOW.

What a novel concept.

I am now talking to my friend in Costa Rico who is doing a virtual healing on my back. He’s talking to me and I am only sort of listening. Oops. I better pay attention.

OK, I’m back. I took a nap and now I still feel like crap. Probably dehydrated. Too much good ole caffeine, alcohol, working out and not enough water. Let’s go with that. It’s an easy fix. DRINK WATER. Good action plan.

Well, this blog has taken me 4 hours to finish between working, naps, phone calls, etc. So, who knows if it makes sense?

I just read through it and it doesn’t. But it’s REAL. This is me. This is what people say they like. So, I’m keeping it real.

Maybe misery likes company? Maybe people feel better about themselves when they see how miserable I can admit to being?

Who knows?

(And, I’m not really miserable, OK? Don’t tell me I don’t have to suffer!! I’M TOTALLY NOT! And, don’t tell me to BE HAPPY! I AM!! And, don’t tell me I’m a DRAMA QUEEN! Well, ok, I guess I DO like to turn my incidents into humor for the entertainment factor.)

If you don’t get that I’m using my crap to try to entertain you, GET IT!!!! AND, DON’T TELL ME HOW TO BE!! I guess the following incident is still striking my nerve!!!

Here’s what happened yesterday when I was about to get in the van for the airport.

ME to someone: “I hate to leave. I hate saying goodbye.”

SOMEONE WHO OVERHEARD ME: “You don’t have to suffer.”

I wanted to wring her neck. “I’M NOT SUFFERING. I’M STATING A FACT. I DON’T LIKE IT.”

(Yes, I’m yelling now. I said it nicely yesterday. I guess it plugs in my “I should be another way”, button. Oh well. It pissed me off and now I’m reliving my pissoff. BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE

Well, I’d better get back to something……….

Thanks for listening. And have a great day.

Oh, don’t forget to watch the video. So you can hopefully laugh at the cucumber eyes trauma.

Hopefully.

Thanks again.