I’ve been using myself, as always, as a human guinea pig for how to get unstuck.  Lately I’ve been stuck in two main areas:  dating and work.  

In dating I get stuck when people don’t respond to my texts.  I automatically think I did something wrong.  I don’t even know these people, but it bothers me.   

It makes me not want to contact anyone.  The truth is, I’m afraid that if I say the wrong thing, they will “leave.”  

Here’s an example:  There was one guy who I met for lunch. We went to the same school so we had a certain bond and familiarity. 

“My wife wasn’t very nice to me,”  he said.  “Everything I did was wrong.  She would insult me.  She actually asked me why I didn’t have a plane?  Can you believe that?  Where is your plane? she would ask me.   That’s why I wanted a divorce.  I told her if I was so bad, she should leave.  And she did.”

“She asked you why you didn’t have a plane?”  I asked, mouth open.  “Of all things.”

In my marriage, I asked how we were going to make our car payments so they didn’t get repossessed.   I couldn’t get the plane comment out of my brain. 

He wanted encouragement from me so I texted him how much I enjoyed our lunch.  He responded and then I texted a picture of a little plane, thinking I was VERY FUNNY.  

I didn’t hear anything back.  

“Oops,”  I thought.  “I blew it again.  

I wondered if I said the wrong thing and insulted him.  After a day or two I decided to “check it out” rather than continue to berate myself.  

I texted him and I said, “Look, I apologize. It’s just so far out of my life that I thought it was funny. If I hurt your feelings, I’m sorry.” 

“I’m not offended and it doesn’t change how I feel about you,”  he answered immediately.

I don’t  know what that meant, but I didn’t hear from him again.

And that’s fine.  I wasn’t really attracted to him anyway so it made it easier.  The great thing is I could stop thinking I did something wrong and blame myself for it not working out.  

NEXT!!!! 

At work I was stuck in the area of learning.  Every week there are new tools, techniques, scripts, models and products to learn.  I couldn’t keep track of all of them.  I was embarrassed that I couldn’t remember everything.  I wasn’t learning ANY of them and didn’t even know who to ask for help. I felt like a poor, pathetic victim and felt very disempowered about work in general.

One day we were on a ZOOM call with our market office.  Grace, our market resource, asked if anyone had any questions or suggestions.

I decided to be brave.  Why not admit that I was having trouble?  Maybe other people were too?    

“Look, we’re learning all these things.  They are coming at us fast and furiously.   I don’t know where to start or who to ask for help. I’m not learning any of them.  It feels overwhelming.”

I was relieved to see my peers all nodding that they felt this way too.  I took a deep breath realizing I wasn’t the only one overwhelmed.  

Grace thought for a few moments.  “Why don’t you just take one thing and get good at that?”  she suggested.

I said, “All right, I could do that.” It sure beats sitting here, blaming myself and feeling paralyzed.

Speaking up helped me make progress and get unstuck.  And stop blaming myself, being embarrassed and thinking I was the only one who felt this way.   

If you have an area where you’re stuck, please go to http://www.gettingunstuckwithhilary.com, and check out my other tools and techniques. 

The first step is awareness. You put your intention on it and you get aware and then you can take different actions.  And by getting into dialogue about it, you can get untangled and create freedom to move forward. 

If you know someone who might benefit from this, please share it. We’re trying to get the word out. And of course… If you want more educational and fun content…

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One of my clients really wanted to write a book about grieving. She had a bunch of people who had agreed to write chapters for her.  It seemed like a done deal. 

“How’s your book coming?” I asked her one day.

“I’m totally stopped.  I’ve been stopped for a year,”  she told me.  “All I need to do is send out an email with instructions to the people who are writing chapters.  I don’t know why I’m not doing it.”  

“What’s going on?”  I asked.

“I received an email from someone who told me how to send out the email.  It had detailed instructions on it that I want to follow.”

“OK, so what’s the problem?”  I asked.

“I can’t find the email.  I’ve looked and looked and can’t find it.”

We talked.  In the conversation it became clear that she thought she needed to read the email before she could send out the instructions.  The problem was that she didn’t know where the email was.

 “Okay,”  I said.   “Do you want to get this book written?”

“Yes,”  she said.

“Then we are going to send out the email right now.  Do you know what you want it to say?”

“Yes,”  she said.

“Then let’s do this thing.  Tell me what you want to type.”

I typed while she dictated.  We finished the email and she sent it out.  It took about 20 minutes. It was really simple.

Sometimes we complicate things, but we can’t see it ourselves.  We don’t know why we are stuck, we just are.  

Where’s some place where you’re stuck? You were cruising along, in action, and all of a sudden you come to a halt, and may not have even realized it.

Here’s a way to get back into action:

Just start talking about it.  In the process of talking about it, you will see what’s in the way and uncover a little reason why you stopped. Then, you can keep talking and figure out some small action to take that will get you in action and moving along again.

One little action and you’ll be flying….. 

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I was listening to a podcast of Jerry Seinfeld on Tim Ferris.  … It was a fascinating interview. 

He was talking about how he writes two hours a day to develop his comedy.  He works very hard at it, fine tuning his jokes, testing them out, and working them into his routines.  I never knew how hard comedians work.  I found it very interesting.

Then he started talking about working out.  He works harder and harder every day even though his brain tells him it’s enough. He knows it’s the brain’s job to keep him “small” so he doesn’t listen.  He pushes himself beyond where he wants to stop.  

The brain telling him to stop is an automatic thing.

So when he’s working out and his brain says, “Ah, you don’t have to do any more. That’s enough. You can stop for now,” he doesn’t listen to it.  He continued, “I set goals for myself in terms of reps.  I know I can always beat that number.  My brain is NOT supporting me in this.  I just KNOW that I can beat it.  I can always push farther than I think I can, and this continuously has me get stronger.  I tell my kids that too.  Don’t listen to the limiting thoughts of your brain.  You have to work hard, but you are NOT limited to what you THINK you can do.”  

[I am taking poetic licensing with the quote.  I didn’t take it verbatim from the interview.]

Yesterday I was doing pushups.  My brain said, “you’re tired, that’s enough.”  

I thought about it, but then I remembered Jerry. Instead of stopping, I did one more, and then another, I ended up doing 5 more than I normally think I can do. It was incredible.   

Every time my brain says, “Ah, that’s enough,” just because of what Jerry said, I go further. Every day I am doing more than I normally would. 

If I’m doing squats and I want to stop, my legs hurt, I now know I can go further. 

And I don’t have to listen to that internal voice going, “It’s enough. You’ve done enough today.”

So that’s my story about how Jerry Seinfeld got me to do more pushups. 

Where can you not listen to your brain, which is telling you to stop, but push past your limits and push past what you think you can do? 

Because you will be amazed, and you can do it!

Thanks for listening.

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“Do you see what the fix should be?” Sam asked.

“No,” I answered honestly. I really didn’t.

We were reviewing a transcript of one of my video’s that was supposed to be today’s blog post. Sam is my marketing guy.

“You are talking about what happened,” he lectured me. “That doesn’t grab the reader. You need to tell the story as if it’s happening and make it vivid, emotional, entertaining and valuable.”

I watched him, thinking, “fuck you.” I sat with my arms crossed, on zoom, while he kept changing what had been transcribed from the video.

“Here’s the thing,” I told him for the 5th time. “These are transcripts of a video I made. These are not blog posts. They take me longer to edit and rewrite than if I wrote them in the first place.”

“I know,” he said. “You’ve told me that before.”

SO WHAT? I wanted to yell. YOU ARE NOT LISTENING. THIS DOESN’T WORK FOR ME. I DON’T HAVE THE TIME TO REWRITE EVERYTHING.

Instead, I just shut down thinking, I don’t give a flying fuck anymore. Do whatever you want to it. I don’t care anymore. “Whatever,” I thought, crossing my arms even tighter.

He didn’t continued to edit. Finally, after about a half hour, I couldn’t take it anymore.

“I have to go,” I said a few times..

“OK,” he finally answered

Before I could blink the screen said, “Meeting ended by host.”

“Wow, that was abrupt,” I thought.

That was earlier today. I tried to rewrite the blog post but it really sucked so I stopped.

I took a walk, allowing myself to have my thoughts and not resist them:

• fuck him
• I don’t want to do this
• I don’t know how to do this
• I’m not making money like I was supposed to but that was ok, because I was having fun recording videos and writing blogs
• This is no longer fun
• I’m done
• I’m quitting
• Fuck him
• If I was so bad, why didn’t he tell me months ago?
• Why have I wasted my time up until now?
• I paid money for this
• I’m quitting

Here’s the problem. This is where I’m supposed to turn this blog into an empowering inspirational lesson. AND I STILL DON’T WANT TO STOP MAKING HIM AND MYSELF WRONG!!!

OK, fine. I’ll do it anyway. Here’s what I’ll say.

• maybe I’m not good at doing it this new way
• maybe I can just practice and allow myself to learn
• instead of interpreting Sam’s help as “I suck,” I can interpret it as “he’s helping me get better”
• it’s ok that I don’t know how to rewrite that other blog
• it’s ok to be bad before you can be good
• I don’t have to make it mean that EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER DONE SUCKS AND I have no value as a person whatsover
• and, it doesn’t help that I drank too much wine yesterday and feel like crap

Tomorrow is another day. THIS blog post is for me. I use these posts to create freedom so I can get out of my funk and stop making all of this wrong. I’m not posting it to FACEBOOK or anything. SO THERE, SAM!!! It’s just for me.

And if you happen to relate to any of it, great.

Thanks for listening.

One day a woman at work texted me to tell me she was taking over one of my big accounts.  

I was pissed.  How dare she?  This was not hers to take.   This was not right.

I didn’t respond right away because I didn’t have anything nice to say and didn’t want to start a fight. One of us was losing and it looked like it was me.

I happened to be in a course that weekend and we were looking at what if instead of a win-lose situation, we could create a win-win? 

It made me think.  I wondered if we could create a win/win situation here.  

I texted her and asked if she could talk.   

She told me she was mad that I hadn’t responded right away.  I apologized and told her that I hadn’t known what to say because I was mad that she was doing this.

In my company, we don’t just take away accounts.  She had gone around protocol and in my opinion, been very sneaky.  But I didn’t say any of this. Instead, I said, “Look, what would you need to make this a win for you? And I’ll tell you what I need to make it a win for me.” 

We talked and we worked it out so that we both got what we wanted.

It was amazing. I didn’t have to bad mouth her. I didn’t have to feel like I lost something.  We both ended up getting what we wanted. I couldn’t believe it.

Take a look in your life. Is there any place where if you got to win, then the other person has to lose? Or if you lose, they win? Or you’re right and they’re wrong or vice versa? 

It’s a limiting context.  Another example where I used this was with my sister. In the past, before I understood this, I would get a text from my sister and automatically be upset. It would involve something she was telling me to do, an opinion about me or my kids, or something else that would set me off.

If she was right, then I was wrong. And that was bad.    

Now, I have a different context. I look at our common commitment instead of who’s right or who’s wrong.

Most of the time the issue involves my mom. We’re both committed to my mom having the best life she can for as long as she can have it. We share that commitment.

So if my sister has an opinion, or if she’s telling me to do something and I don’t agree with it, I can say, “Hey, how can we make this work”, knowing it will benefit my mom if we work it out.

We can have a win-win instead of me just ignoring her, bad mouthing her and resenting her, and no one feels like they’re losing. 

So my question again to you, is there any place where you want to win so someone else can lose? Or someone’s right and you’re wrong? Or vice versa? 

What if you could make it a win, win scenario? 

I’ll tell you what, it’s a way better life. There’s a lot more love, a lot more peace and a lot more connectedness. 

So let me know what happens for you!

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One of the participants in my course is living in Costa Rica.  She doesn’t like to plan and part of the course is developing a plan. 

“I don’t want to plan, I like to surf and I don’t want to be limited,” she said.  ” I don’t want to have to do this work. I don’t want to do it.”

“OK,’  I said.  I knew this was simply her resistance. That’s one of the things we look at in my course. 

I said, “Well, what if the plan was to just double your income which is what you said you wanted to do?  And do it the way you like.”

“Well, how do you do that?” she asked.

“Just share what you’re doing,”  was my answer. 

She’s an artist.  She thought about it.   “Okay, I could do that.”

She started sharing while she was surfing, while she was on the beach, when she met new people and when she was hanging in the cafe with her friends.  All she did was share what she did. 

Before the course, she was living hand to mouth, running out of money, struggling, whining, suffering, and it was just the way it had to be in her mind. 

 “What if it doesn’t have to be that way?” I had asked her during week 3.  “This course is about getting unstuck.”

I don’t know if she believed me, but here’s what happened.  While she was sharing, people became interested in what she was doing. They hired her to paint murals.  One guy had her develop a logo. Another one’s having her develop a logo and is sharing in the profits of his business with her. 

She went from scarcity to abundance without suffering for one second.  She wasn’t having “to do work.” She was just enjoying her life on the beach and manifesting her dream.

Where do you think you can’t do something?  There’s something you want to do, but you just haven’t, like this is just the way it is. 

Well, dust off your dreams and call me if you want, because this stuff works. 

If not, ask a friend, get into dialogue and just start talking about it.  What would be possible if, or what if I could do that? 

I Promise you, your life will take a different turn.

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Back in the 80’s, I was in Germany working on a consulting engagement with the US Army.  I was in charge of designing the manpower sub-system of a resource management system for all of Europe.  

I was proud of my subsystem and honored to be able to present it to the officers in command.  I knew what I was going to say.  I knew my subsystem.  After all, I had designed it.

I wasn’t even nervous.  But for some reason, when I got up to speak, I took one look at the generals sitting in front of me and froze.  The only thing I could move was  my eyes. 

I looked at my my manager across the room, wide-eyed, trying not to panic. Thankfully, he got the message and started talking.  Within a few words I got my wits back and took over from him.  I was perfectly fine after that. 

What I learned was to make sure I write down the first paragraph of any talk I am giving so I don’t have to rely on my memory.   By having those first words in my hand, I don’t have to worry if I freeze again.

It works.  I never go to a speech or workshop or call that I am leading without having my notes.  It has removed the fear of having my brain temporarily stop working.  It has dramatically lessened my stress and anxiety about speaking.

So what is something where things didn’t go as planned before in your life, or some mistake that happens repeatedly? 

What’s an action that you can take that would make sure even if it does happen, you are ready for it and have planned for it?   

I don’t know what it would be. Cooking, speaking, calling someone on the phone. Whatever it is. If you’re prepared, you won’t have to be afraid, and can keep going without missing a beat.  

I’d love to hear from you.  Let me know what actions you took and how they made a difference for you. 

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So what I saw this week was that I have this list of things📝 that I need to be or have in order to feel okay. 

Here’s what happened:

I had broken up with a gentleman when I saw that the relationship wasn’t serving my best self.  I was so happy🤗,  I felt powerful.  I was standing for my life and what I wanted.  YAY ME!!  I am woman hear me roar, and all that great stuff.

But a couple of seconds later, I heard this little voice saying, “Well, how are you going to find another guy?🤷‍♀️ How are you going to get someone else?” 

“Why do I need someone else?🤷‍♀️ I was just feeling good two seconds ago.” I wondered.  “What the hell happened?”

And I realized I have a list. Because  all of a sudden, all my concerns and considerations were shouting in my head:  “Well, your body’s not okay.❌ You need to lose those five pounds. And look at those wrinkles.👵  You’ll never get another guy.  You’re just not ok.”  My voice said. 

I realized, “Wow, I have a list of how I need to be, to be okay. To not go over to the left side, where nothing’s good, I suck, the world sucks,  and I have no power. I’ve got to look a certain way, my bank account has to be a certain way,💵 I can’t have any credit card balances,💳 or I go down the tubes.”

It was amazing.  I started wondering about it. 

“Who made this list up? I don’t know. Maybe I inherited it. Maybe I made it up. Who knows, but it’s not true. What’s the difference if I have a balance on my credit card in terms of my inherent value? If I gain five pounds, does that mean I should hate myself?😕 What if it’s possible to just love life right now, exactly as it is, and not have to fix myself?😬 Wow!”

That’s what I’ve taken on in the last few days after seeing that little conversation.

 And I’ll tell you what, I don’t always remember it, but I’m practicing it.💯

The list can get triggered by almost anything:  a glimpse in the mirror, or at my bank account, or not seeing a text on my phone.  But now, when I start feeling bad again, I can just remember:

“Wait. That’s the list. Let it go.”👍

So my question to you is, do you have a list❓

Are there certain things that you need to do or have to feel like you’re something? A success,📈 or that you’ve made it, or that you look good? 

Well, just check it out and see, is that really true?👍 Is that really a universal law that these things have to happen before you feel good about yourself? 

I’d be fascinated to find out. Let me know, and tell me if you get any freedom, because I sure did!🙋‍♀️

Check out my course: http://www.gettingunstuckwithhilary.com to learn more tools and techniques for getting free and creating a life you love.

The other night, something was supposed to happen that didn’t.  A woman I knew was going to join me on a call and she didn’t. 

In an instant I saw myself get immediately depressed. Even though it wasn’t a huge deal in reality, I went south.  Onto the “other side” as I call it.  I had been happy one moment, got her text, and all of a sudden life sucked and I didn’t know why.  My energy changed, my attitude changed, my body started hurting, and I just wanted to go to sleep or break out the wine, chips and hummus.

I decided, rather than start drinking or escaping to bed, to look at what happened by using the tools in my course, the Getting Unstuck With Hilary program. And this week’s homework was to tell your story. 

I was telling a very familiar story and I kept hearing myself say, very sadly and with a lot of suffering, I can’t have what I want over and over and over again.

I went back to the little incident from when I was two, knowing that’s where it came from. Even though knowing that had never given me any freedom and made no sense, it still kept happening.

Today, using my course technique,  I saw it in a different way for the first time. 

When I was two, I just didn’t get what I wanted.  My brain made up that I can’t EVER have what I want to protect me from being disappointed. That’s the brain’s job. It thinks we’re still in survival from the jungles, but we’re not. 

Today I finally saw it differently.  I just didn’t get what I wanted THAT DAY. Two year olds aren’t supposed to get everything they want.  That’s just life. It doesn’t mean I can’t have what I want for the rest of MY ENTIRE LIFE.

And in that moment, my whole life opened up.   I don’t have to suffer over that anymore. It’s just not TRUE.  It’s just a place I was stuck. 

And now, I’m free to create the life I love, which is my commitment, that we all get to create lives we love. 

Is there a place where you silently suffer and you don’t know why? Well, take a look at it and see if you can create some freedom. 

And if not, you can always go to http://www.GettingUnstuckWithHilary.com and we can get you free together, because it’s really fun.

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Why am I asking?

Because I have a stigma with not being happy.

When I’m not happy, I think there is something REALLY wrong with me. Once I make it wrong, I get stuck in the downward spiral and it really, really sucks. Here’s what I tell myself:

• No one can love me like this
• Something is wrong with me that I’m like this
• I shouldn’t be like this
• etc.

And then it gets worse by people’s comments:

• you can’t have this negative energy
• you need to have positive energy
• what’s wrong with you.
• you talk monotone
• you’re a downer
• you’re always complaining
• you’re attracting the negative – it’s your own fault
• you’re creating your own reality
• etc.

(OK honestly, I don’t even know if it’s other people saying all this, or if I’m saying it to myself).

Needless to say, it all gets me more stuck. And when I’m stuck, I’m REALLY, REALLY STUCK.

What I can see is that I can be however I am: happy, unhappy, moody, tearful, frustrated and the only stigma is what I AM ADDING. Anyone else can have their opinions and who cares?

There is no ONE WAY to be in the world and if you’re not that way, YOU ARE WRONG. There is no BOOK OF RIGHT WAY TO BE.

The only person I need to be ok with is me. And I can be any way I damn well please.

YAY!

Thank you for listening.