“I Won’t Kill You”

I had a miracle today. It’s not one I ever expected to happen. And it involved life and death. Not to freak you out. It ended well.

Here’s my story:

I hate bugs. Can’t stand the sight of them. I love summer, but know that with summer comes the bugs and I dread seeing the first little crawly or flying creature. My skin gets itchy and I’m automatically in a bad mood.

My only hope is to keep the screen doors closed. It’s very important to me. What I don’t understand is why the rest of the world doesn’t get it.

“Shut the scream door,” I say every time someone leaves it open. “Please, shut it.”

And my family (ex-husband, son and daughter) would mostly ignore me. If I questioned them, they always had a good reason:

  • My hands are full
  • I’ll be right back
  • What’s the big deal,
  • or the worst thing, they would just look at me like I was crazy

Not a problem. I would just get up myself and slam it closed, just to prove something. I don’t even know what I was trying to prove, but it was something like:

  • no one listens to me
  • I can’t have what I want
  • don’t they realize this is war
  • people are ass holes
  • I’m the victim here

I’m not proud of being that way, but I can see that that’s what I was doing in retrospect. Just saying……..I’m sure you’ve never wanted to be right about something that if you really look at it, makes no sense. But that’s what I was doing.

But anyway. I hated bugs and if I saw one, I would make a big deal about it and my day was ruined by a feeling of disgust. I felt like they were crawling on me, and there was no place to escape from this horrible dilemma.

Now don’t calling me a drama queen because I don’t like that name. It’s just the way it was for me, ok? For most of my life.

Well……….my daughter came back from living in Costa Rica in May. Apparently there are bugs everywhere there and there’s nothing you can do about it. It’s not a big deal and it’s not a problem for her. You just include them in your life.

So screen doors are irrelevant to her. And what was worse, at my beach cottage rental, the screen doors were difficult to close. She would just spend the time with the doors open when I wasn’t there. So what if a bug comes in?

I tried to be chill about it and give up the “shut the screen door” shtick and relax. I was a little better. When I saw bugs, I tried not to curse and just deal with it. I was better about it. Still slammed the screen door a few times, but I was better. And, I still asked her to shut the door since it is MY HOUSE.

What’s the big deal about bugs? You ask. They are creatures too.

Well today I had a miracle. I am staying at my mother’s house and was using her powder room (to put it delicately). A huge moth flew out of the cabinet when I opened it to change the toilet paper. It was really big. I let it fly around. I didn’t scream. I just looked at it.

“OK,” I said out loud. “Don’t worry, I won’t kill you. Just don’t come near me and I will let you live.”

It didn’t answer me (LOL) just flapped it’s wings.

I looked at it. It was brown with beautiful spots. I had never noticed bugs before. They can be pretty.

Now I remember. When you stop making something wrong, you can see what’s good about them. I wasn’t making the moth wrong so I could see something new.

I have to tell you. It’s exhausting to be stressed about so many things. Especially bugs.

And now this little moth gets to enjoy his life.

Thanks for listening and have a great day.

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