I, again, wanted to drink. Not a good sign.

I went for a walk to try to clear my mind. It didn’t work.

I decided to do a video and see what came out.

What emerged was two issues that were niggling me. I didn’t even know it. They just came out when I was talking.

You’ll have to watch to find out what they are. It’s not that interesting, but they were certainly disturbing me. I now have a plan, so I can put them aside.

More later.

OK, I’m back. Another thing that I can not get handled:

I am trying to put in my bank account information for the stimulus check. I put the information in accurately from my taxes, but it still rejects it. After 3 tries, you have to wait 24 hours to try again. I have been trying to do this since Saturday.

Today I used the cues that the system gives. I looked up my street address. The post office has a different street name. When I put this (wrong) name in, it recognized me and said I was eligible for the check. Progress.

But when I entered in my tax information, it rejected me again. DAMN. Of course I tried 3 times.

Now I have to wait another 24 hours. “No need to call the IRS,” it says. Unbelievable.

I will put this aside until tomorrow.

I just like to check things off my list. Is that so WRONG?

That’s all for now. Not exciting, but, it doesn’t have to be exciting to be annoying.

Thanks for listening.

Well, why not?

I personally don’t want to go back to stress, the grind, rushing, and never feeling like I’m getting anywhere.

What about a life doing what we love? Where we can pay people to do what we don’t love?

Wouldn’t that be great. Why not?

Well, all the reasons that I have for why not come rushing to my mind:

• I don’t know how
• Who am I to do something like that?
• Why really wants what I have to offer?
• I’ve tried that before and it didn’t work
• I CAN’T DO IT RIGHT
• HELP ME!
• I don’t want to bother people
• Maybe it won’t work and then where will I be?

Etc.

They are all from the past and designed to keep me small and have a life I don’t enjoy. What is the worst case? I keep failing until I succeed.

Well, I don’t like to fail.

Well, too bad. Success and failure come as a package.

(Do you like the way I argue with myself?)

OK, FINE. I guess the alternative is to dread the future and what good is that?

I’m in sales. And, I’ve been dreading having to go back to that world.

What I discover on my video is the negativity that the word “Sales” evokes in my mind. I am replacing the word with “taking care of people.” I love to do that. I love to listen and leave them free and empowered. That is something I can look forward to. I am just changing the way I phrase what I do so I don’t keep worrying about what is to come. I’m just changing the way I see it? It’s free and something I can do.

Enjoy. I’m in the process of discovering my reinvented life. Reach out if you want to have a conversation about reinventing yours. On my web site, http://www.gettingrealwithhilary.com, there is a form you can fill out that sends me an email. I will get in touch with you and we can have a really fun, empowering conversation that leaves you in a new place.

Hope to hear from you. Let’s create a new fun world together.

Have a great day.

Watch the video to find out how. It is SO FREAKING COOL!!! If you can’t watch it, go to YouTube: Getting Real with Hilary. (That’s if it gets posted to Instagram. People can’t click on the picture. We are currently working out the problem).

I loved my running (walking) workout with Matty Maggiacomo from Peloton outdoors. He played the best 80’s music: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun- our girl Cindy Lauper, How Will I Know/Whitney Houston, Flashdance, Holding Out For a Hero – Bonnie Tyler, plus more. So much fun.

I loved Day 11 from my 21 Days of Abundance. The Law of Least Effort. Once I accepted the current circumstances, I was free to create something new instead of suffering. It was truly incredible. I felt freer than I have in a long time. I had to listen to it at least 4 times to hear that part of the Law. Before I just decided that it COULDN’T work for me. It just didn’t feel like it could. I missed the acceptance part. What a difference that one word has made for me. WOW!

And, remembering Fran on her birthday. I miss you, Fernwood. Hope you are having fun wherever you are now. “You look good.” Our inside joke.

Here’s to creating a world community where everyone belongs, feels loved unconditionally exactly as they are, and is free to create lives that they love. Where suicide is no longer a thought let alone a reality.

Thanks for listening.

Please stay safe and healthy in these crazy corona times.

You’ll have to watch to find out about my beach party. It was really amazing. That’s all I’ll say.

I’m still waiting for my hair coloring kit to arrive in the mail. I’m a little worried about really using it since I’ve never colored my own hair, but oh well. It will be an adventure.

Hope you are all staying healthy and having fun. I am still 93% good and 7% wondering what the hell is happening to our lives. I have moments of real despair. But at least they are fleeting.

Since I’m mostly good, I’m trying to enjoy these peaceful days. When the dread of what is to come hits, I try to just BE HERE NOW in the present. I am getting quicker at snapping out of the anxiety of not wanting to go back to the way it was with the stress, quotas, and pressure. I don’t ALWAYS catch it fast, but I’m getting better.

When I can just remember that that is my feared for future and not happening now, I can relax and enjoy living on the beach and not having to be anywhere now.

Today I missed being near REAL people for a couple of minutes, but as soon as my beach party started, I forgot all about it. (You have to watch the video to find out about that!)

Have a great night and stay healthy.

Thanks for listening.

I tell my little secret in the video.

Also, I talk about how I was feeling really healthy and great, and the next thing I knew, I had all sorts of symptoms. And then they went away.

You’ll have to watch to find that secret, too.

I had some miracles today as well. It’s amazing. I’m doing the 21 Days of Abundance Meditation for the fourth time and it is really working.

People are finding me and so is money. I think I need to do this all the time. It’s a great, calming space to be in.

Well, I have to go see my son for dinner. It’s the first time I’ve gone there in about 4 weeks. It’s nice to be able to travel again after quarantining myself.

Please stay safe and healthy.

Thanks for listening and watching.

OK, the video is not done. What else can I discuss?

I will be doing a live zoom call for the Westport Public Library instead of the live event on May 11th. I’m a little nervous. I better read my book to remember what it’s about. (Kidding, it’s about my life.)

The woman I spoke to today suggested I write articles for magazines. I could take a few topics from my book and write about them. I think I am finally ready. After 7 years of rewriting the damn thing, I just didn’t want to even think about it. I think there’s enough distance that I can relook at it. It should be interesting and fun.

OK, thanks for listening again. Gotta go now.

I know. It’s a weird combination but I’m in a weird mood after being on Zoom calls all day. And I have another call in an hour and a half.

I am watching the big waves and sitting here comfortably in my sweat pants. What a great life!!

I finished my old puzzle and started a new one.

I love that it’s Sunday. And, not really looking forward to Monday except that why not, I’ll be home where I love to be.

It’s easier to just not think how weird this is and just take it hour by hour, day by day.

Well, have a great night. Hope you are all staying healthy and safe.

Thanks for listening.

I’m on a work webinar, but since it’s Fluid Friday, I am typing this while on ZOOM. I don’t think they know.

It’s amazing how many webinars we have, AND, no one is selling or making money. We are staying connected, keeping the community together, feeling like we belong and are not alone. And, I think that’s a good thing. We WILL get through this crisis and come out AHEAD.

Well, why think any other way?

We are about to play a trivia game. More later.

OK, back from the game. It was actually really fun. We all gave in something that no one knew about us so I told them I had published a book. A couple of people guessed me, but, why not promote?

And, that I had done consulting for the US Army for 8 months in Germany. No one guessed that.

Really fun.

OK, I have to return some calls. Have a great night.

Thanks for listening.

This video explores the question. You won’t believe what the answer was. Unbelievable. You’ll have to watch to find out.

I also wrote an article for the Elephant Journal.

https://www.elephantjournal.com/2020/04/how-to-stay-sane-when-youre-feeling-corona-crazy/

I think you can click on the link to read it. Let me know if that works.

I think I’ve used up my words for now.

I was having an argument with myself all morning and finally shared with someone what I was going through.

What I determined in the conversation: I am not a victim. I am not powerless. I can ask for what I want. I can have what I want. I can have the life I want.

And, this is the way life looks when it’s working.

That’s good news.

Well, thanks for listening. I’m done now.

Have a great night.

Just being resigned. I allowed it yesterday. Kind of quit what I was doing. Done. Stupid idea. Never will happen. And had that be ok. (Well, as much as I could – didn’t sleep too much, but still allowed the feelings).

Today when I woke up I was back in action with a clear mind. I reached out to two people who I thought could use a plan, and just scheduled two more half hours with Hilary with them, completing the 4 I said I would schedule this week.

I’m not going to worry about generating the income. That’s the part I was REALLY resigned about. I’m chewing through that by looking at my disempowering conversations – I don’t know how. It won’t work, etc. I’m going to just see where this exploration takes me. Relax and Breathe.

My chicken (see the video) did cook but I have to admit it is a little dry. Don’t tell my son. He says it’s ALWAYS TOO DRY. I just like it well done. No salmonella for me, folks!!!!

I am in my power hour. 4:00-5:00 so I am going to get back to my other tasks that I said I would accomplish during we get back on zoom and complete the hour.

Hope you are staying health during the GREAT PAUSE. I thought that was a great name. I am personally doing well. Looking out at the water and enjoying my time without stress and running myself frantic.

I just took my second walk of the day on the beach. It’s so cool.

Have a great day and thanks for listening.

Yesterday I hurt my back. Today it still hurts and also radiates to my stomach. I just googled if this is a problem. I’m going to say no. I just pulled a muscle that wraps around to the front. Tomorrow I declare I will be good as new.

That being said, my video is very mellow. In some parts you can’t even hear it, but I was just too relaxed/lazy/in pain to re-record. So I went with it.

NEXT TOPIC: Now that I don’t have a reason to quarantine, (watch the video if you want to understand why), I thought my son was coming over because he said he was.

He, however, has a different sense of time then me. I think if you say you’re coming over, you’re coming over. So I put out hor’doevres (sp) and I waited. And waited. And waited. And recorded this video and am writing this blog.

He finally called after my ex told him I was waiting. “We can come over if you want.”

I could hear the obligation in his voice. “That’s ok. I’m in pain.”

“OK, maybe tomorrow.”

“OK, but just for some guilt, I was waiting and put food out for you.”

“I know, Dad told me.”

“OK, have fun.”

My ex had invited me there before he knew I was waiting for “our” son. (They live together at my mother’s house in case you don’t know that. My mother is in Pennsylvania at my sister’s house waiting out the corona catastrophe much to her dismay).

I said no to my ex. Before I quarantined myself, (again watch the video), I used to go to my mom’s to see my son sometimes. It wasn’t really that enjoyable and I felt bad about that.

I’m just not interested in waiting around for 3 hours while they both cook an extravagant and complicated meal. It’s just not my style. I was thinking about it last night while not being able to fall asleep.

“Is that terrible of me? Am I just a kill-joy? Am I no fun?”

“Should I want to hear my ex’s loud fucking music that I hate breaking my ear drums?”

“Should I put up with my ex annoying me for the sake of spending time with my son?

“Is it bad to mind watching them cook for 3 hours and then having to clean up the mess and then getting home at 11:00 when I have to wake up early?”

And my answer: NO!

It’s not bad to not want to do that. They have a different sense of timing like I said earlier.

I can make a simple salad in one bowl, clean it after, and be done in 30-45 minutes if I eat slow. Or have some chips and hummus. Very simple. Quick and easy.

I hate to say this, but it was sort of easier when I was quarantined. I didn’t have to decide whether to go or not. I didn’t have to say no. I didn’t have to say yes and then dread the evening.

Then, the answer was simple: I’m staying here alone so I don’t potentially infect you.

And, they were very sweet. One night they brought me dinner and last night they bought anti-corona supplies since I thought I had it. I don’t want to seem ungrateful. I just want my life to work for me. I guess I can just speak up and try to work out a solution that works for all of us. What a novel idea!! Without being a victim or afraid to speak up. Wow!! I hadn’t thought of that. Glad I brought this up on this blog. Thanks for your help!!

So anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I feel better and I can now relax.

Hope you are all staying healthy and safe.

Thanks for listening.