Yesterday was a very interesting day.

I walked out of the gym locker room with wet hair and no make-up. I was rushing and almost bumped into a guy I had been very good friends with for over five years. I hadn’t seen him in a year. He walked right by and barely acknowledged me at all.

“Whatever!” I said after he had passed me. I went to my car, not allowing myself to react before I got inside.

I rushed to my next stop, Weight Watchers where, unfortunately, I was up a pound.

I sat in my chair during the meeting, my mind going crazy.

“Why are you so quiet?” Robin, a fellow WW veteran asked.

“I’m thinking,” I said. And I was. I had reverted to my F.O.U.L. monologue. Fat, Old, Ugly Loser. It was playing non-stop in my head.

“You looked terrible. You didn’t even put make-up on. He probably noticed how f——-g fat you’ve gotten. Your shirt was probably bunched up and made you look fatter. I’m sure you look older than the last time he saw you. And he obviously could care less that he saw you. He was fine just walking by. You mean nothing to him.”

That’s interesting, I thought. I run into the Psychopath and I turn on myself. (Yes, that’s how I refer to him. OR Sociopath or Narcissist. Take your pick. I’m not apologizing for that. See old blog entries for the explanation).

After the meeting, I decided to get into communication with my coach. I called his voicemail and started talking. I told him what happened. And this is what I saw. Underneath my self-flagellation was that I was hurt.

Really hurt. How could someone I was that close to act like he didn’t even know me? Who does that? How could he have done that? How could he not care and not smile? I don’t get it.

And I cried. It was exhausting, but it felt much better and cathartic than my FOUL monologue where all I did was berate myself.

Later in the day I had another upset. My father’s old dental partner had seen my mom over Christmas and noticed that she wasn’t the same.

“You noticed?” I said.

“Yes,” he answered. “Definitely.”

And the floodgates opened again.

“No crying,” he said.

Too late. I escaped to my car and the dam broke again. I had been holding it in for two days since my mother swore me to secrecy after she started a fire in her kitchen. It was the second time she had done it and what was really scary was that she didn’t remember the first time.

I hated carrying the burden of her secret and was afraid she was going to endanger herself again. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I called my sister and just cried and cried and cried, telling her what had happened and about my fears.

“I’m inviting mom to my house for the weekend. Do you want to come?”

“No,” I sobbed. “I need a break. Her house is toxic for me and I just need to get away from it.” (My ex lives there and sometimes it is really hard. He turns on me sometimes when I ask him questions he doesn’t want to answer. He get belligerent and attacks me for asking the question. My mother gets a kick out of it and takes his side. Even thought it makes me feel crazy, it’s become the new normal.

I hadn’t realized how stressed out it made me until Haley, my little angel, observed what was going.

“I don’t know how you can stand this,” she said. “You must be feeling crazy. You need to get away from here,” she said. “It’s toxic and not good for you.”

So I cried to my sister and told her what was going on. And it actually was freeing. I think I only cried to her once before. It was after our dad died. I was the only sibling left locally with my mom and I remember finally letting out the sadness, frustration and fear in a torrent of tears. Both times she was very nice and supportive.

My eyes were puffy and red and I was exhausted by the end of the day. But I was not making myself wrong. I wasn’t confused, sad or afraid.

And the real miracle? When I woke up today I was fine. Perfectly fine and back to being productive.

It was a first for me. Just being disappointed and sad and scared and unsure. Letting it out and not apologizing for it.

I would call it a miracle and another step into discovering how to create life out here.

Very interesting.

It’s not that bad. I have set my goals and I am over the fact that I have no idea how to hit them.

I never do. And last year I had no idea how to hit them either. But I did. And I came out as the top DSC (District Sales Coordinator) in the 4th quarter in our whole market. I never expected to do THAT well. OK, but not GREAT.

So, I’m giving up needing to know how.

And, that’s pretty cool. I’m visualizing getting it done.

Visualizing having six pack abs and sleek arms at a certain weight (not telling you the number).

Visualizing having a great guy as a life partner who treats me like a queen, etc.

And I feel way better than last week when I was not in action and expecting the worse.

Gotta go. Have a great night.

H

I’m feeling sick. Why?

Because I have a date tonight. I haven’t been on one in a long time. I can’t remember the last time I had one.

And, I almost told the guy I was sick. Because I was. Everything hurt.

I was standing with my daughter at the DMV line. I had no patience and couldn’t cope with all the paperwork and bullshit needed to transfer ownership of my dad’s old car to Haley and get it registered. The lines were two hours long and it was just too much for me to handle.

“What’s going on?” Haley asked when I completely lost my patience.

“I have a freaking date tonight. I don’t want to go. I’m feeling too much pressure. I don’t know why.”

“Do you think you have to get the date right?”

“Yes,” I answered honestly.

“And if you don’t?” my wise little Haley asked. (She’s 20).

“I’ll melt and dissolve like the Wicked Witch in the Wizard of Oz. I’m melting,” I said in the witches voice.

“Wow, that’s a lot of pressure,” she said smiling.

“Yes, it is.” I took a deep breath. I SO DON’T THINK I CAN HANDLE THIS.

This conversation happened this afternoon. In the last three days I had a women’s empowerment event, somehow got two more cars in my name, and cosigned a loan for my son. All of it stresses me out.

I don’t want a loan in my name. I don’t want to own more cars. I don’t want to be responsible for any of this.

Well, grow up I tell myself. My ex-husband can’t have them in his name because of his bad credit is what I’ve been told. He also wanted me to give him money for some bills he hasn’t paid. And, my mother asks a freaking lot of questions that I don’t have the answers to. And it’s time to start selling again at work. For the whole of 2019.

All of this stresses me out. I feel the pressure in my head right now.

So, I’m afraid that when I’m on this date I’m just going to either:

• talk about my crazy f—–d up life and how stressed out I am (not fun, crazy lunatic, too much drama)
• start crying from all the pressures and stress (not fun, crazy lunatic, too much drama)
• get too drunk because I’m too nervous (crazy drunk but could be fun at least)
• just sit there because I’m afraid of being bullets one and two above (boring and uninteresting)
• not like him and want to go home (he’s driving so I’ll be stuck)
• have a bad case of gas (not funny really but I just needed a little humor to lighten my mood)

So, at least I’m getting all this out here. Maybe I could just be normal. Maybe I could just have fun and relax. Maybe none of this matters and tomorrow is a new day. Maybe I could still cancel.

Or maybe I should stop writing and get ready. HELP!!!!!!!!!!

Wish me luck. More tomorrow.

After a few days of visualizing, being grateful and looking ahead, I can still say that I am not really looking forward to going back to work tomorrow.

The holidays were a new experience for me – relaxing, taking it easy, sleeping a little later than usual, and not feeling any pressure.

So, can I borrow that feeling and bring it into 2019? Why not?

I have been steeped in conversations for possibility, the law of attraction, going beyond where I stop, and asking ourselves why not create lives of unlimited possibility, play fun and ease?

The only thing that stops me is my limiting beliefs. And I am chewing them up one at a time:

• when I’m disappointed, I default to upset and powerless
• when I’m frustrated and not as nice as I think I should be, I think it’s my fault
• actually, I always think it’s my fault
• I don’t trust my instincts and doubt and question myself to exhaustion
• If someone insults me, my default thought is that they are right and I’m wrong
• If I say no to a request, I feel bad. It feels like a lose/lose, and somehow, again, it’s my fault

An Aside: I am determined to keep playing big all the way up to tomorrow night when I have my women’s empowerment introduction. And, I really don’t want to: see bullet one above. It certainly doesn’t look like I thought it would. There were breakdowns and unkept agreements from my team, the center, and the guests. But I/we didn’t give up. We didn’t use any of it as an excuse.

And, I just realized I’ve been saying the guests are dropping like flies. And, I’m going to change that right now – the exact right people will be coming. And their lives will be impacted forever. And they will be taken care of like they’ve never been before. And, I’m not done inviting. I still have tomorrow.

And, best of all, my daughter will be home tomorrow. After seven months in Australia. And I can’t wait to just have her in my arms. I cry just thinking about it. She will walk in right when the introduction is over.

So tomorrow will be a great day. And, so will the rest of 2019.

Another note: Today I submitted a poster idea to the Conference for Global Transformation. I said I would do it two months ago and then I forgot about it. I remembered it yesterday and took the action today. It feels good to be bold.

My 2019 resolution is to be a Pioneer for Possibility – Boldly going where no one else has been. And, being a clearing for miracles.

Now that’s a different space than powerless and everything is my fault. And, it’s alot more fun, too.

So, Happy New Year’s everyone!!! Let’s keep looking for miracles and being bold!!!!

I know, isn’t that terrible? But I couldn’t resist. And I thought it might get your attention. And, up until a half hour ago, that’s the way I felt.

I was just plain old having a pity party. It started yesterday when a couple of people told me they couldn’t come to my women’s empowerment event. One chink down. But ok, I’m strong, I can still do this powerfully. Not a problem.

Then this morning two people dropped out of my noon event at my house. Two chinks and I was no longer feeling the joy juice.

And then, I asked my last resort friend what she was doing for New Year’s and she was going into New York and had real plans with real friends.

And I was staying home alone. It hadn’t bothered me before. I was fine with it. I planned it that way. Got my prosecco, some food, my books, my computer and an unlimited stream of Hallmark movies. I GOT THIS!!!

All of a sudden, when my friend had real plans, I flat-lined. Something was very very wrong.

I was on the rower at the gym when I saw the text. I stopped smiling. My thoughts became different.

“My life sucks. I have no friends. I should have made plans but with who since I have no friends. Wah wah wah wah………It’s my fault. I do this all the time. No wonder I’m alone…………. ” and on and on.

I knew I didn’t want to go into the New Year this way. What could I do?

I called my coach on the way home from the gym. I vented and I cried and I deleted two pathetic messages where I filled up the whole three minutes with whining. I was almost going to hang up without leaving a message but I didn’t. So I started a third. I told him I was feeling sorry for myself. I felt like I couldn’t count on anyone and I was powerless and something was very wrong here. But I was no longer in it. I could see it instead.

And once I was in dialogue, even though it was with a voicemail, I could see it was very familiar. My old favorite disempowering driveway incident. It was amazing. And once I purged my negativity, I could see that I had a choice here.

I decided to shift into being grateful. I am grateful for my mother, my kids, my siblings, my beach house, my bonus, my job, my health, my ability to go to the gym,………….all you have to do is 17 seconds of gratefulness according to Abraham Hicks and you shift your vibration.

I started feeling different. I had a different energy. And I told my coach Happy New Year and hung up feeling like a new person.

Then I called my mom. To see if she wanted to come over for my noon event.

“Probably not,” she said. “But, I cancelled my plans. I want to do something with you tonight.”

Even sitting here, looking at the water, I have tears in my eyes. It’s not a romantic date. It’s not a $400 romantic dinner in Paris. But it’s plans with a person who loves me who changed her plans to be with me. And, as much as I get annoyed by her repetitive questions, I am lucky to have her. As much as I fail to be loving and patient with her sometimes, I know I am blessed to still have her around in the amazing physical and mental shape she is in for 88.

And all of a sudden I was filled with love, gratefulness and joy. Instead of making everything about my life wrong, I was filled with peace and serenity.

I would say that’s a miracle. I would also say by getting into dialogue and letting out what I didn’t think I should feel and definitely not say, I got to get free to create something new. I had my pity party, but instead of lasting 20 years, it was probably only about 5 minutes. That’s another miracle.

So, say what you don’t want to say, and keep spewing until there’s no more to spew. And then, Create your life. 2019 is almost here.

I love you. Thanks for listening. Let’s go into 2019 visualizing and creating everything we desire (you can’t say want for some reason) with fun, play and ease.

Happy New Year!!!!!

I have been relaxing ever since I hit my numbers for the year three weeks early. In the nine years I’ve had this position, I’ve never been calm for this long. Either I missed my numbers (it’s called FAME) or I hit them at the last minute. Then the next year starts immediately and here we go again into stress land.

So this is a never been done before. I mean, I did some stuff, but didn’t have to wake up early, go to the office, or try to write premium.

It was great. And, a part of me is unsettled. I’m trying to enjoy it, but……..

I always feel like I should be DOING something. And, it’s not like I’m doing nothing. I worked out every day. I made the calls I was supposed to for my seminar and women’s empowerment event. I read some books, watched some movies, I’m having people over tomorrow for a New Year’s event. I responded to emails and called back people who asked me to.

But it always seems like I should be doing more. It’s not ever ENOUGH.

I was listening to Abraham Hick’s this morning. How to attract everything you want. The way to have your vibration going in a positive direction is to be grateful. I think that’s the easiest way. The other videos talk about the vortex, resistance, and high flying disks and I just get confused and think I’m doing it wrong. So, let me get grateful instead of my normal everything is heading down the tubes:

• I am grateful that I gained ten pounds over the last four years (this one is hard) because it allows me to love myself as I am, attract someone who can love me as is, and to give up my racket about how I am not the way I am supposed to be (which seems to be there no matter what the actual number on the scale is anyway).
• I am grateful for the last few weeks because I got to slow down, and enjoy myself.
• I am grateful for hitting FAME early so that I could take this time to get really really bored and not be sorry to be back at work on Wednesday.
• I am grateful to be confused about my book because it has gotten me to think about it, talk about it, and learn to trust my instincts on how to fix the parts I am not satisfied with.
• I am grateful to be single so that I can be available for a great man to appear and fall into my life with fun, play and ease.
• I am grateful for the expansion that I have taken on by making seminar calls and inviting people powerfully to this women’s empowerment introduction. I have been able to let go of my disempowering listening of people in favor of them being powerful, up to something and reliable.
• I am grateful to have distinguished that as soon as someone doesn’t do what they say that I move them onto the Ass hold pile, never trusting them or interacting with them powerfully again unless I clean it up first.
• I have tried to slow down, and remember to “go within, ask my Spirit what to do,” etc. I guess it is hard to get used to not being a crazy-lunatic-doing-machine-always-in-a-rush-pissed-off-when-things-don’t-go-as-planned-or-someone-moves-too-slow kind of person. I can just say I am not used to it and just let my discomfort be.
• NOTE: I know I’m not much fun to be with when I’m like that – just ask my kids what it was like trying to “catch” the school bus years ago. They had already missed it and since it was a half hour back and forth to school, we would chase after it in the car, and when we got close, they would have to run and catch it. Haley and I still cringe remembering it. She says those were the worst, most humiliating moments of her life.

I can’t figureout how to type under the picture.

(OK, let’s see if this works. YAY!! I can now keep typing under the picture.)

I am just going to allow my discomfort. Trust the universe. Be grateful whenever I remember and give up making myself wrong for everything little thing I do or don’t do as soon as I see that I am doing that.

One insight: My mother always has to be doing something productive. She can’t just sit. Literally. Is it any wonder I think it’s wrong to just sit down and relax?

My kids certainly don’t have a hard time doing nothing. At least I don’t think they do. Good question to ask them.

Well, time to pay some bills and then……….relax some more. I still have tomorrow and the next day before I go back to work. It’s like having a three week long weekend without any Mondays. Pretty awesome. I think I’ll just force myself to try and enjoy it.

Happy New Year!!!!!

My 22 year old baby boy is at the airport going back to Minneapolis. He is in a training program for hockey referees and he will be there until at least May. He was here in Connecticut with us for 9 days.

I am sad to see him leave, but also grateful for the time he was here. Since I had hit my fourth quarter numbers at work, I was free during his stay. And I got to be available for Jesse in a way I probably never was before. I had always been doing something or running somewhere, always impatient and in a rush. This time I was available, mostly calm, and able to laugh and enjoy my boy.

Mark (my ex and Jesse’s father), Jesse and myself continued to discuss what we had learned about ourselves and how that relates to our “Why.” As long as it is a compensation for what we couldn’t be, do or have as a child, it is still in order to NOT have what we couldn’t have, instead of being what we DO desire or “want”. (Some people get crazy when you say want, but oh well, I’m using it anyway.) The brain doesn’t hear the NOT, so you end up getting what you don’t want unless you change your thoughts and paradigm.

For me it was not being able to be heard – I can’t stand when someone dominates the conversation and people don’t get a chance to speak. I go crazy. So I wanted to be able to listen so people wouldn’t be stuck or upset. So they can say what is in the way, see what’s stopping them, get their greatness, and create their lives freely. Is that still a compensation? I’m still looking at that.

For Jesse, if he is not pursuing his purpose, he might as well stay in bed under the covers.

For Mark, if someone speaks without thinking, you practically don’t deserve to be alive. He would put on his gravestone that he thought for himself.

What was fascinating is that our purpose, when stated freely and not because something is wrong, is a function of what we learned as a result of our original incident. Our gifts relate to what we couldn’t have as a child. I am a great listener and sharer as a result of not having a voice.

Jesse is great at helping people define their purpose and live their dreams – a result of not “being able to have what he wanted.”

Mark is a great thinker and speaker – not sure how his relates – he couldn’t have his father stay with his mom so he couldn’t be sufficient – so he learned to be the best at arguing. Not sure this one is clear.

But is it the chicken or the egg? Did God give us these gifts and that’s where the incident came from, or did we develop these gifts as a result of our incident?

I find it fascinating that they related to each other. I do believe that everyone is given certain gifts by God. How do they get portioned out? How do we get the one we get? How do some people get artistic talent? How are some people great musicians, scholars, scientists?

What would the world be like if we could all pursue our dreams and make use of our gifts? Would we be more fulfilled? Could we let go of the societal pressures that we often succumb to by not pursuing them?

This week with Jesse has been so great in so many ways – I got to relax and not really HAVE to work, I got to spend time laughing and getting to know my son, we got to get clearer and more aware of our “Why’s” and where we want to head in life, and I got to appreciate what a fine human being Mark and I created.

Not only is he handsome, but he is talented, intelligent, dedicated, loyal, loving, funny, fun and a joy to be around.

Thank you for a wonderful week, my Jesse boy. I love you very much and already miss you.

After yesterday’s little/big exercise, I’ve been feeling a little strange. And, to top it off, Mark, Jesse and I had a little pow wow today.

They are both working on living in abundance instead of lack. The past two days have allowed Jesse to “complete” some of his disappointments and stuckness from growing up. Since Mark and I got divorced, Jesse has been taking on some of the issues as if they were his own. Our time together allowed him to say what he hasn’t been able to say, cry when he needed to, and create a new future for all of us.

We created family in a way that we never had before for Jesse. He had felt alone and living like he couldn’t have the life he wanted. It was wonderful to just be able to let him cry and to have him really get that he is not alone.

The weird thing is, that while I know Jesse is not alone, that we are totally there for him, I have the same feeling alone thing about me, too. Maybe everyone does. Mine comes with a sadness that it shouldn’t be this way.

For example:

• people shouldn’t get old
• people shouldn’t get sick
• people shouldn’t be annoying
• people shouldn’t complain
• and the usuals…………..I shouldn’t be alone, a few pounds up, etc. (always have to throw those in)

But I know if I accept what is, then I have more power. I was with my aunt, uncle, and cousin last night for a (typically Jewish) chinese Christmas dinner. This family had lost my other cousin to cancer two years ago, right before my dad died. My heart goes out to them. My aunt is not in the shape she used to be and in the past it was very difficult to be with them. “It doesn’t seem fair,” I would say to myself. “It shouldn’t be this way. How can they stand it?” I couldn’t wait for them to leave. It was too painful.

But last night, it was ok. We talked. Uncle Paul and Stewart took care of Aunt Barbara, and we had a nice dinner. The angst was gone.

I’ve been watching people lately. Especially at the gym. There are the young ones, jumping around, lunging, and running like I used to. There are the middle aged ones like me. We look ok, but don’t do everything that we used to. And, the older older ones. I used to look at them and my heart would seize, knowing I am getting closer to being like them. Into category 3. Especially with my 60th birthday coming up.

And I wonder which men are now supposed to be mine – the really grey ones? The bald ones? (Although those can be the young ones these days). The ones that can barely walk? (Like me some days after a hard work out or just from getting out of the car).

And I wonder about life…….and I try to remember that aging is a privilege, not a necessity. We don’t all get to do it. Only the lucky ones. And, I try to remember that instead of dreading the aging process, and wondering if I can only attract the ones I don’t necessarily want to, that I can create my life any way I want to.

I am part of an amazing family (not a dysfunctional one like I had been thinking some days).

I am creating an amazing relationship with a man that I want to be with that is peaceful, secure, fun, abundant and everything I want it to be.

I am living with abundance. I can relax and know that I have everything I desire.

And, it’s ok when I forget all this. And when I get sad, annoyed, mad, impatient or frustrated, it’s still ok. There’s no rules for how I have to be.

And I and everyone else matter. We all have gifts. And we all have great lives.

Happy Day After Christmas!!!! Thanks for listening to this wide ranging blog post.

This Christmas morning, my son, Jesse, proposed that we do an exercise with him. I will call it the 7 levels of why. There were 4 of us – my mom, Jesse, my ex-husband Mark, and me. (Looking back, I shouldn’t have been surprised that some of my buttons were pushed very intensely).

We picked something that we wanted to have in our lives and proceeded to go around the table asking ourselves why. The next round you answered why you wanted the answer to the last round. Until you finished seven rounds.

We got a little stuck at about round 5. Jesse turned on a video of a guy who was an expert at doing this exercise. He told of the miracles that he had seen using this particular technique. The miracle occurred when the answers went from being answered by one’s head to being answered with one’s heart.

For all of us, we got to see our wants at a deeper level, going way beyond the surface. And a couple of interesting things happened.

During the exercise, I kept getting really annoyed. I couldn’t stand when Mark, my ex-husband, kept interrupting the person doing the exercise. He was interrupting their flow and not letting them finish. In my mind, this made what he wanted to say more important than what they were trying to say. I was jumping out of my skin. The annoyance was very familiar.

The same thing had happened two nights before. My mother ignored what I had to say, going to ask Jesse and Mark instead. I felt irrelevant. I started packing up my stuff, ready to leave. I had to get out of there. This time, something stopped me.

I distinguished it in conversation. When I get interrupted and not allowed to finish what I want to say, I no longer participate in the conversation. Or if my opinion is ignored. Or if I’m not included. And on and on and on……………

What I was feeling was irrelevant. And that I didn’t matter. And the impulse is to flee — either leave the conversation or really leave physically. I can’t stand the world and the only remedy is to be alone where no one can say anything to make the pain worse.

I did it as a kid, and I am still doing it. What’s worse is that once I leave, I get upset because I’m alone. Stuck, feeling bad, and alone. And then it seems even more true. It’s a vicious circle.

The conversation is from about two years old. Something happened and I ran away to my room crying. That’s all I had the capacity to do at that time. And I have been stuck there when something similar happens. I’ve seen this before, but not to this extent. I think being around my family has brought this all up in a big way.

Time for a nap. My head is all twisted up…………………………….

OK, I’m back. If, as we just inquired into at our Year End Vacation in Cancun, I am cause in the matter “of mattering”, then I haven’t been responsible for my interpretation of being irrelevant/not mattering. I haven’t been responsible for my lack of power when these events happen.

So what can I do to break the pattern? I can make requests to be listened to, and not be interrupted. I can notice when I’m thrown into that disempowering conversation and speak up instead of running away.

I can be responsible for mattering, no matter what the circumstances.

And I can make a difference for others, instead of being caught up in my own negative conversation.

So how does this all relate to the exercise? We got to see that what we really wanted was all trying to fix what we couldn’t be. I wanted to free people so that they wouldn’t end up like me, stuck in a painful vicious circle. The others all wanted to accomplish something to avoid feeling bad about something from their childhoods. It was fascinating, and echoed what the speaker on the video had said.

If my why is to listen to people powerfully so they can really create their lives, then there is freedom in it. If I am listening so that they don’t feel bad or to prevent them from being stuck in the vicious circle, then I am trying to fix things, or prevent them from feeling bad like I had.

And, I can create a new context for life. Everyone matters – including me. Everyone is free to create their lives.

I’m not really sure if I’ve flushed all this out, but at least I’ll have a little more freedom being around my family. And I sure learned something about my son, mother and ex as well.

Thanks for listening and Merry Christmas.

I was listening to a Tim Ferriss podcast for the last couple of days where Tim interviews Dr. Gabor Mate. It was fascinating.

He was a family doctor, then a palliative doctor, and now does work with addictions.

When he was a month old, the Nazis invaded Dr. Gabor’s homeland of Hungary. The obvious stress that his mother was under affected him in ways that he didn’t realize until his 40’s. (Hopefully I’m telling his story correctly).

He discussed the origins of things like ADHD and addictions in a way that was new to me. He doesn’t think the cause is genetics as much as traumas.

He also talks about the sensitive child. This child feels things at a greater level than ordinary children. Not because there is something wrong with the child (I always thought there was something wrong with me because I was SO sensitive, empathic, and upset when others were upset), but just because that’s how they are.

He talked about how attaching and authenticity are vital to a young child. If there is no adult (preferably) a mother, for the child to attach to, and be loved by, it can cause a trauma. The child will not know how to love or be loved. (Again I am paraphrasing and don’t know if I’m doing a good job of it).

And, if a child is told not to be a certain way (angry, sad, upset, loud, etc.) and the adult withholds their love as a result of the child being that way, the child learns to not be “authentic” in their emotions. They learn to be however they need to be so they don’t lose their parent’s love. They learn not to trust their own instincts in favor of the learned or “lovable” way.

When a substance or person can have them feel loved as they are, this can feel like a drug-like sensation. They can become addicted to the feeling because it’s the only way they feel complete or whole, even if this person or substance is not good for them. They need it to feel ok. Without it, they revert back to not really living.

I don’t know if this is making sense, but if caused me a great deal of relief. When I was told not to be upset as a child, I learned to be “good” or “fine.” I didn’t tell anyone if I was upset because I shouldn’t have been. I didn’t tell anyone if I was hurt because I shouldn’t have been – I was just too sensitive and needed to get over it.

I didn’t think anyone could love me if I was my real self. It was wrong to be upset or hurt and I was ashamed if I was. I would hide until the upset passed and I was happy again.

Dr. Mate explained what happened in a way I could understand from an attaching/authentic explanation. It wasn’t a Nazi warcamp trauma like his, but it was a major incident for me.

In the last few months I have embraced my sensitivity, knowing that a plus of that is my ability to love deeply and have compassion and empathy. I can now see that as a gift instead of a curse. I have also started speaking up when I am upset, hurt or confused by another’s actions. Surprisingly, it has resulted in an amazing amount of freedom and joy – I attribute that to saying what can’t be said once again.

Dr. Mate’s 90 plus minute podcast helped me to understand why I held onto some of the wrong men, or did some of the things I did. I couldn’t understand it before. Now it makes sense to me.

I thank Tim Ferriss and Dr. Gabor for this fascinating discussion. The podcast is the 298th episode of the Tim Ferriss show in case you would like to listen to it. It talks about psychodelic treatments as well as Dr. Gabor’s story about how he ended up treating and studying addictions. Tim is led through an exercise – Dr. Mate deconstructs an episode when Tim got angry in a way that you learn what causes anger. Again, it was eye opening.

I don’t know if I am doing justice to this podcast, but I wanted to share about it in case it would be interesting and educational for someone else.

Happy Holidays!!!!