Clearing Myself – I Have A Date Tonight

I’m feeling sick. Why?

Because I have a date tonight. I haven’t been on one in a long time. I can’t remember the last time I had one.

And, I almost told the guy I was sick. Because I was. Everything hurt.

I was standing with my daughter at the DMV line. I had no patience and couldn’t cope with all the paperwork and bullshit needed to transfer ownership of my dad’s old car to Haley and get it registered. The lines were two hours long and it was just too much for me to handle.

“What’s going on?” Haley asked when I completely lost my patience.

“I have a freaking date tonight. I don’t want to go. I’m feeling too much pressure. I don’t know why.”

“Do you think you have to get the date right?”

“Yes,” I answered honestly.

“And if you don’t?” my wise little Haley asked. (She’s 20).

“I’ll melt and dissolve like the Wicked Witch in the Wizard of Oz. I’m melting,” I said in the witches voice.

“Wow, that’s a lot of pressure,” she said smiling.

“Yes, it is.” I took a deep breath. I SO DON’T THINK I CAN HANDLE THIS.

This conversation happened this afternoon. In the last three days I had a women’s empowerment event, somehow got two more cars in my name, and cosigned a loan for my son. All of it stresses me out.

I don’t want a loan in my name. I don’t want to own more cars. I don’t want to be responsible for any of this.

Well, grow up I tell myself. My ex-husband can’t have them in his name because of his bad credit is what I’ve been told. He also wanted me to give him money for some bills he hasn’t paid. And, my mother asks a freaking lot of questions that I don’t have the answers to. And it’s time to start selling again at work. For the whole of 2019.

All of this stresses me out. I feel the pressure in my head right now.

So, I’m afraid that when I’m on this date I’m just going to either:

  • talk about my crazy f—–d up life and how stressed out I am (not fun, crazy lunatic, too much drama)
  • start crying from all the pressures and stress (not fun, crazy lunatic, too much drama)
  • get too drunk because I’m too nervous (crazy drunk but could be fun at least)
  • just sit there because I’m afraid of being bullets one and two above (boring and uninteresting)
  • not like him and want to go home (he’s driving so I’ll be stuck)
  • have a bad case of gas (not funny really but I just needed a little humor to lighten my mood)

So, at least I’m getting all this out here. Maybe I could just be normal. Maybe I could just have fun and relax. Maybe none of this matters and tomorrow is a new day. Maybe I could still cancel.

Or maybe I should stop writing and get ready. HELP!!!!!!!!!!

Wish me luck. More tomorrow.

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