Yesterday’s Blog – Still Pondering

After yesterday’s little/big exercise, I’ve been feeling a little strange. And, to top it off, Mark, Jesse and I had a little pow wow today.

They are both working on living in abundance instead of lack. The past two days have allowed Jesse to “complete” some of his disappointments and stuckness from growing up. Since Mark and I got divorced, Jesse has been taking on some of the issues as if they were his own. Our time together allowed him to say what he hasn’t been able to say, cry when he needed to, and create a new future for all of us.

We created family in a way that we never had before for Jesse. He had felt alone and living like he couldn’t have the life he wanted. It was wonderful to just be able to let him cry and to have him really get that he is not alone.

The weird thing is, that while I know Jesse is not alone, that we are totally there for him, I have the same feeling alone thing about me, too. Maybe everyone does. Mine comes with a sadness that it shouldn’t be this way.

For example:

  • people shouldn’t get old
  • people shouldn’t get sick
  • people shouldn’t be annoying
  • people shouldn’t complain
  • and the usuals…………..I shouldn’t be alone, a few pounds up, etc. (always have to throw those in)

But I know if I accept what is, then I have more power. I was with my aunt, uncle, and cousin last night for a (typically Jewish) chinese Christmas dinner. This family had lost my other cousin to cancer two years ago, right before my dad died. My heart goes out to them. My aunt is not in the shape she used to be and in the past it was very difficult to be with them. “It doesn’t seem fair,” I would say to myself. “It shouldn’t be this way. How can they stand it?” I couldn’t wait for them to leave. It was too painful.

But last night, it was ok. We talked. Uncle Paul and Stewart took care of Aunt Barbara, and we had a nice dinner. The angst was gone.

I’ve been watching people lately. Especially at the gym. There are the young ones, jumping around, lunging, and running like I used to. There are the middle aged ones like me. We look ok, but don’t do everything that we used to. And, the older older ones. I used to look at them and my heart would seize, knowing I am getting closer to being like them. Into category 3. Especially with my 60th birthday coming up.

And I wonder which men are now supposed to be mine – the really grey ones? The bald ones? (Although those can be the young ones these days). The ones that can barely walk? (Like me some days after a hard work out or just from getting out of the car).

And I wonder about life…….and I try to remember that aging is a privilege, not a necessity. We don’t all get to do it. Only the lucky ones. And, I try to remember that instead of dreading the aging process, and wondering if I can only attract the ones I don’t necessarily want to, that I can create my life any way I want to.

I am part of an amazing family (not a dysfunctional one like I had been thinking some days).

I am creating an amazing relationship with a man that I want to be with that is peaceful, secure, fun, abundant and everything I want it to be.

I am living with abundance. I can relax and know that I have everything I desire.

And, it’s ok when I forget all this. And when I get sad, annoyed, mad, impatient or frustrated, it’s still ok. There’s no rules for how I have to be.

And I and everyone else matter. We all have gifts. And we all have great lives.

Happy Day After Christmas!!!! Thanks for listening to this wide ranging blog post.

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