I guess feeling pressure makes me feel crazy. Or overwhelmed.

Like I can’t ever get to it all and so something bad is going to happen. I know what to do:

• make a list
• breathe
• relax
• meditate
• yoga
• breathe – I know, I said that

But today nothing worked. I still feel it. This video attempts to make a joke of it. I don’t know if it did.

What am I afraid of? I’m still looking.

I think it’s just someone getting mad. So, I’m trying to respond to texts, emails, calls, clean my place (not really), worry about whether my sister is right about my mom.

Oh shit, that’s it. I am avoiding thinking about my mom and that’s why I’m obsessing. (OK, I can’t cry right now since I am going out to meet a friend and I don’t want my nose to run and my eyes to be puffy.)

When my sister is with my mom, she is convinced she needs someone to stay with her 24-7 because she has lost her mind and can’t be alone. When I’m with my mom, she seems fine.

When my sister is around, her version seems like the truth. I get sad, don’t want to deal, and feel overwhelmed. (This is it right here, folks!! Sometimes it takes a while).

I really don’t want to think my sister is right. Maybe the truth is some where in the middle.

I just don’t think I can handle reality about this. It’s too sad. It’s my mom. I know it’s life, but it’s just not something I think I can deal with.

I guess that’s where the work is. Being able to be with it powerfully. Being with what’s so. The circle of life.

And I don’t have to like it.

It’s like having a baby. It’s painful and scary but people survive it. The difference is you have a baby to celebrate at the end.

This is painful and scary. I guess I can celebrate my mom’s life. And be grateful she is still here. I can be as great as I can with it all and acknowledge that I don’t have to like it.

I think I got to my real issue here, folks. Sometimes it takes a video AND a blog to get to it.

Well, I’m feeling calmer. Sad, but calmer. I love my mom. She is amazing. And, it’s our journey together. And I can cry when I need to.

Thanks for listening. This is a big one.

When I get to the source, I get to my freedom and peace.

Thank you again.

Today was a trying day. Let’s say it that way.

I drove an hour to a client who said there was one guy to see me out of about 26 employees. Not good. And, all he did was review his plan. That’s it. No sales. Nada.

Something got to me. I think it was the way the HR person looked at me – like I was a poor, pathetic person – like she felt sorry for me. That’s kind of how I felt. I tried to be grown up about it, but I have to say it sucked.

My job is to get good conditions. That means seeing employees. If I can’t see them, I can’t educate them and if I can’t educate them, they can’t buy policies. And I make $0. A big fat 0. And don’t even pay for my gas to drive there.

Before yesterday, I was saying that I wasn’t good at sales. Yesterday, on the other hand, I was powerful and passionate and sold some policies.

I guess today’s conditions had been set when I was still not being powerful and so there you go. Today SUCKed!

Can I forgive myself for that and for making another mistake? If I don’t, I am choosing to suffer.

I’m just feeling sick right now. Neck hurts, body hurts. Sweating. Just body sensations. Yesterday I was up on the scale. Fat Hilary returns in my mind. Can I forgive that?

No. I guess I want to be right that I’m a fat, unsuccessful loser. Why would I want to do that?

Good question. It actually makes no sense. Why wouldn’t I want to feel good about myself? Be powerful? Visualize success and abundance and my dreams?

I don’t know, but right now I don’t. I think I have to stop resisting the way I feel. Stop thinking I should be another way. Embrace my humanity. Embrace my mistake and shitty conditions at that client.

OK, I will. I will just allow the pain in my back and neck. Allow my disappointment. [LIGHT BULB]

That’s all it is once again, folks. Just disappointment. Why don’t I just realize that sooner? Who knows? I guess it’s a blind spot.

I just wanted to have a great day like yesterday.

And I didn’t.

That’s it. I can allow myself to be sad. Today sucked the big one.

It’s ok not to be happy and Pollyanna.

(It is? Are you sure?) That’s my little voice in case you wondered why it’s in parentheses.

Yes. It is. There are no rules that say you have to be fucking happy all the time. No RULE BOOK.

(OK, thanks. I will just be how I am. Phew.)

If I had remembered this 8 hours ago, I probably could have had a more relaxing and less painful day. All I can do is get quicker next time. It helps to work this out by writing. The video started it and this finished it. YAY!

OK, gotta go.

Thanks for listening.

Have a great night.

I was fumfing (sp) for words on this one but I pressed upload anyway. It was my second time recording and I just didn’t want to keep redoing it.

It is my REAL SELF. Take it or leave it. (No, don’t leave. I didn’t mean it :).

I heard from an old friend about yesterday’s video Facebook post. He was encouraging. I had no idea he was even watching. He said he always thought I was a great person. Unreal. Because of course, like always, I thought he didn’t like me. And he does. I never would have known. Very cool.

It just goes to show how my version of reality is always so much more negative than reality. I guess in a way that’s a good thing.

Another thought: One day I hope to get comfortable with posting these videos and blogs, but maybe, at that point it won’t be exciting. Who knows? Or, maybe then I’ll move onto the next new thing and scare the shit out of myself doing that.

Is it terrifying or exciting? I think it’s the same feeling. So, let’s call it exciting instead.

OK, my son is here from Minneapolis so I am going to go see him. I will keep this short.

Just a few things from the video that I can emphasize:

• I broke a 4 month suck streak at work and made some SALES – WHOOPEE – and just from BEING someone who is passionate, courageous and can speak up – instead of being right about how I suck and there’s nothing I can do about it – that’s unreal
• I saw a mock-up of a chapter of my book – it was SO DAMN COOL
• I was listening to spotify at the gym because my regular app wasn’t working – I was envisioning creating a song at our December vacation where 500-600 people are singing and doing the amazingly choreographed danced steps together – I was rocking on the treadmill – so much fun – I was happy just imagining it
• I spoke up today – that’s all I’ll say – and I feel alive and connected to the world instead of making up crap in my head that is disempowering and keeps me separate – it’s really amazing what a different world it is when I clear the air – crazy good
• This weekend I created being Courageous – and it’s working!!!
• Hallelujah

I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but I gotta go. My precious boy just called and I can’t wait to give him a hug.

Thanks for listening.

I just posted this to facebook. It’s my 25th video and I promised myself I would be brave. If I knew how to change that “thumbnail,” I would.

But I don’t, so there I am in all my glory. Looks like…….oh, never mind.

I watched this one after I recorded it, and there were definitely things that I could have done better.

But I know that if I wait to get it perfect, I’ll never post or record another video. So, I just let ‘er rip!!!

YAY!! I DID IT!!! (I’m doing backhandsprings in my mind).

(Also, I read a book that says that you shouldn’t use too many exclamation points. I forget why.

SO WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m just not going to listen to that advice!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Got it?!!!!!!!!!!

OK, I’ll stop!

Another thing. I finally figured out how I want my book cover. Once I stopped saying:

• “this is not my thing”
• I’m no good at this
• I’m helpless and powerless
• I hate being dependent on people

I started coming up with ideas. And got in touch with what the book was REALLY about. Even though it’s called “The Second Piece of French Toast,” it’s not about freaking french toast so why have a picture of it on the cover? I started getting ideas and getting excited about it once I took the lid off my creativity. It is so cool.

Plus, I remembered that I used to love to do lettering with shading and coloring, AND, wait for it……..I used to draw turtles. Yes, turtles, ladies and gentlemen. I would color in their backs with colorful shapes and patterns. I never did anything with them, it was just relaxing. So, contrary to what I have said, I do “do art.” I wasn’t born without artistic creativity. I just focused more on music and sports and cheerleading and fun growing up.

[Oh, I just had a moment. I decided my art was stupid when I made a couple of very embarrassing items for my dad. I was too young to know they were perverted/stupid. Wow. That’s where I stopped. I decided I was an idiot with art. Interesting – just an aside].

I also write poems of acknowledgment. I wrote the lyrics for a new song. A friend is putting it to music. I am so excited to hear what she comes up with.

And, I want to have a talk show where I interview people and they tell their stories and they get in touch with their greatness. Just saying……….That would be a freaking blast. I created that over the weekend.

I am still shaking…………..I am just going to forget I pressed the send button on facebook and get on with my day. Thanks for distracting me.

Thanks for listening, for all your support, and for tuning in.

Have a great day!!!

I tagged this as premier. I don’t know what that means, but since I’m living on the edge, why not? And that’s a terrible picture but I don’t know how to change it.

OK….breathe, breathe, breathe

Eckart Toile says make friends with the present. OK, something to take on.

Hearing this, I have seen that I am irritated some (alot!) of the time.

• the traffic
• I didn’t get everything done that I had planned
• I don’t know what to wear to New York today
• I want to be comfortable, yet not feel like a shamiel (sp) one of my father’s words – don’t know if I’m using it correctly
• My numbers for work are literally zero for the second week in a row – I have NEVER had that happen in my 10 years as a manager – I’m embarrassed about it – waiting for them to can me even though I was doing fantastic before this year’s third quarter for the prior 4 years – I’m still waiting for them to come at me with “the hook”
• I’m impatient about getting my book done – I’m confused about how the cover should look – I’ve never done it before and I hate not knowing – “I SHOULD KNOW”
• Why should I know? Good question. Just a thing I do automatically. OK, I can give that up

OK, I have to go get ready. I’d like to continue pouring about my mental stuckness, but I really need to get moving.

• OK, just a little more. I have been doing the 12 hour not eating thing. Sometimes I’m really hungry. But, I feel good when I can get through it. I am doing it to lose weight. It’s slow, but at least going in the right direction. Patience, I keep telling myself. It’s new and the unknown. At least I’m down a couple of pounds instead of gaining. YAY!
• The dating – I have a date on Monday. The guy seems nice. I already want to get rid of him even though I’ve never met him. That’s just me wanting to be safe and comfortable. I am going to be open and trust my instincts. I CAN TRUST MYSELF!!! I can HAVE FUN!!
• I will wear the right clothes today. Layers are always good. I will bring a second pair of shoes and a second bra so I can be comfortable on the train. That is what runs me – comfort – don’t want to be too hot or too cold, bra needs to be comfortable but supportive (haven’t found that yet), shoes need to be comfortable for walking, yet somewhat fashionable (haven’t found that yet either).
• That’s why I am always carrying so much stuff. I need back-ups for bras, underwear (I know, TMI), and shoes. I need a book to read, my glasses, water, food. It’s ALOT. But, that’s how I roll.
• OK, if I don’t shut up I will miss my train.

Adios.

Thanks for listening. Have a great day!!!

–

This video was just an effort to get out of my head. And it worked.

I don’t like being dependent on people and right now I am for my book.

• I need a cover
• I need it formatted
• I need it proofread – I think
• I need the spine of the book done
• I need the back of the book done

The reason I don’t like being dependent is that I feel powerless when I am. Why, you ask?

Because I don’t like to ask them how it’s going. Or if it’s done. And why they haven’t been in communication.

I don’t want to bother them.

And, the big one, I don’t want to get them mad. Because if I do, they won’t love me. FOR REAL that’s how it has seemed. Undistinguished until last night. WOW!!! That’s a big one.

I saw doing this video that it’s because I’ve been in relationships with people who:

• withhold themselves when they don’t like something I said or did
• use anger to shut me up
• tell me what’s wrong with me to avoid responsibility for their actions or to manipulate me
• NOTE: I am not a victim. I have allowed it – my people pleasing has had me:
  • try to please them
  • do what they say
  • alter myself to fit how they say I should be
  • all so I didn’t lose them
  • and I lost them anyway so it didn’t even work
• It sounds stupid but it’s true
• It makes me sad
• But it’s the best I could do at the time
• And I can forgive myself – BREATHE, BREATHE, BREATHE

That’s what my book is about. The original title was “what happened to Hilary?”

All I can do is practice being my real self. And, attracting someone that I can BE my real self with. With no fear. And they will love the REAL me. Not the me they try to make me into. Or have to become to try to please them.

And trust myself that I am exactly how I am supposed to be. If they don’t like it, OH WELL. Sayonara. Asta la vista. B-bye.

Easier said than done.

But not impossible.

This is my path. I hope it is inspiring at least one person out there. If so, please share my stuff. Or comment. Or tell me to keep going.

Please!!!!

I’m asking for help. That’s a big deal. It’s easier to do it myself and NOT BOTHER ANYONE!!!! Cause I’m feeling a little insecure about all this right now. Hate to admit it, but I am.

Thanks for letting me share.

And, thanks for listening.

Have a great fucking day!!!!!

I didn’t think I had anything to say today. Who would have thought I would tell you about my GYN visit yesterday?

Yes, I did. My doctor was talking to me about how I could prepare my 60 old body for sex.

“Isn’t that only if I am actually having sex?” I asked.

“Well, don’t you think you’ll have sex at least once in the next 25 to 30 years?” he asked.

Wow. I don’t think I REALLY will, I realized. I can’t think of anyone I’d want to have it with. I can’t think of really being close to a guy again. I don’t really think I could trust anyone.

I think I’m just waiting to be hurt again.

In fact, I’m expecting it.

Yesterday one of my on-line guys was going to call me between 3 and 4. I sat there waiting like an ass hole.

No call.

Fuck this, I thought.

I texted him that I must have missed his call again. (He said I missed it once before. I never saw that he called so who knows?)

He apologized and said he forgot. He was working and is old and just forgot.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm

So today I had a good cry realizing that I just don’t fucking expect anything from anyone and fuck him if he can’t even fucking remember to call. Obviously I’m not that important. And did I say, fuck him?

I knew I was being dramatic. I don’t even know the damn guy. He owes me nothing, really!!!

Today he texted me asking when I was available to talk.

We had a conversation and he apologized again.

“I’m real,” he said. “I’m not spam.”

Well, he just happens to be a volunteer fireman. The last fireman I “dated” lied about being married. I had already told this guy that.

“I am not a sleazebag,” he said. “I am divorced and I’m not a liar.”

OK, I thought. I guess I can give up my sad victim story. Maybe he’s a real person.

After all, I am divine. Success is easy. I am attracting someone divine. (You have to watch the video to know what I am talking about.

I’m all talked out. (Again, from the video).

Thanks for listening.

On vacation, my first two days were difficult. I was watching other people and making up all sorts of negative stories about them. I decided they were all pretending to have fun. I was getting myself depressed.

Because that’s what I was doing. I was trying to keep my daughter happy by doing whatever she wanted even though I was tired, in pain, and just wanting to relax.

I was sacrificing myself, thinking it was the right thing to do.

I discuss it in this video. I laugh and cry as usual.

Even so, I will say the vacation was great, because I learned some valuable lessons:

I don’t have to pretend to be pleasant.

I don’t have to try to please others by sacrificing myself.

I don’t have to always be fun.

Everyone can do what they want. It’s ok.

I can acknowledge when something isn’t working for me.

I can open my mouth.

I can be free.

Pretending to be fine when I’m not doesn’t work for me. Maybe others, but definitely not me. I go down and down into a negative cycle.

The only way out is to start sharing. Not to complain, but to acknowledge where I am. Get it all out, and then I can create freedom and a new trajectory for life. Out of the shitter and into something new.

This morning, when I was making myself wrong for not being happy, I remembered another vacation.

I was sitting with my travelling companions at breakfast.

“All you do is complain. Just stop it. I can’t take it anymore,” my “friend” blurted out suddenly.

I was stunned. I felt attacked and don’t think I spoke for the rest of the vacation. It was a miserable few days in Florida, waiting for the trip to be over.

Looking back, I remembered I had gotten some very bad news before I left for Florida. My friend didn’t believe me. I was upset, nervous and scared and didn’t know how to handle it. No solution was a happy one and I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. I felt miserable and alone.

Today I got to cry for my much younger self. Because I never did back then. I toughed my way through, pretending I was fine. It is actually healing for me to feel the pain, even though it’s many years later. By feeling it, it can get complete. I can also have compassion for my younger self, something I rarely do.

That’s what works for me. Maybe other people can power through tough times being positive. For me that doesn’t work. I make myself wrong for being upset, turn on myself, and then get upset for being upset. I don’t know if this makes sense, but it’s a vicious circle. I have a hard time getting myself out of it.

In contrast, allowing myself to feel the emotions has me move through them in a matter of minutes if not seconds. I’m just not very adept at it, having not allowed them most of my life. Sometimes I don’t even know that I’m upset.

But I am practicing. And getting better every day.

As Michael Singer says in the Untethered Soul, which I am loving, by feeling the emotions, discomfort and even panic and fear, and allowing it, we can be free. We can move beyond our self-imposed, but invisible boundaries. It’s uncomfortable, but then it’s not.

Like a dog in an electric fence, we have to move towards the painful jolt and allow it, to get to the other side. I don’t know if I’m doing justice to what he says, but I’ve been experimenting with it the past couple of weeks. It is quite amazing. And quite freeing.

Come join me on the other side.

Thanks for listening.

I’m ashamed to admit that I am. But at this moment it’s true. [I’m here in Jamaica on a trip I won from work. I was going to take the money instead of the vacation. But, my daughter wanted to come so I came and brought her as my guest. This is our third day. We leave tomorrow.]

So I decided I better start sharing. Or I will ruin the rest of the vacation.

Here’s what I need to say:

• Yesterday I was in pain – and it made me feel old, cranky and tired
• People pleasing doesn’t work – it just makes me feel resentful and stupid
• I feel fucking unlovable
• Sometimes I just need to be alone and I think there’s something wrong with that
• I tried to be fucking fun and I can’t fake it when I don’t want to – why the fuck do I think I need to?
• Yesterday I didn’t stretch after my workout because I didn’t want to make my daughter wait and that did not work – my legs were tight, I could barely walk up stairs, and they were cramping – today I took my extra 12 minutes to stretch – I am way better off – it’s amazing that 12 minutes of caring for myself could make such a difference
• I like to just sit and read and I think that makes me not fun but today I don’t care – that’s what I want to do and that’s what I’m going to do – it’s fun for me
• I don’t think I’ll ever meet someone (a guy) – EVER FOR INFINITY – that’s just the way it seems – if that’s negative than I’m just a negative, hopeless bitch
• I am not eating in a way that I think is healthy – I’m feeling like a hopeless fat blob – than I saw someone with a skin disease that is really not attractive – I felt grateful that I don’t have that – and I want to eat in a healthier way today so I feel better
• I hate to admit I was jealous of my daughter’s “new” friends last night – they were dancing late, had energy, weren’t miserable, and she was really happy with them – I felt like the old fat cow who just sucked up the world’s air and doesn’t deserve to live
• [OK, I’m laughing now, I think the negative self-pitying fog is starting to lift – one or two more and I think I can have fun again – FO’ REAL!!!]
• Am I supposed to pretend to love something that I don’t so other people will be happy?
• Am I supposed to not be REAL thinking that I am supposed to be another way?
• It seems like the rest of my work people are happy and loving each other and fun-filled every second of every day – I am the miserable slug who is pretending to have fun – they are all FO’ REAL – and that just makes me wrong wrong wrong

NEW THINKING POSSIBLY:

• Why do I think I have to be like everyone else? Why can’t I just be how I am? I heard a recording I don’t remember from who that says that being present is being however you are – mad, angry, sad, happy, impatient etc. That’s being present – not always having to be happy!!!!
• There is no real thing that we have to be happy all the time!!! Not a real rule for the world. It’s just something I think is true that is totally disempowering for me
• The Untethered Soul says that we can go beyond our self-imposed boundaries – we have constructed ourselves to feel safe – but it is artificial and limiting – so I am going to be with that and expand it – why the fuck do I care about what other people think – so much so that I think I am wrong if they make me wrong
• I am going to expand that today because it sucks

I am going to be however I am today – even if it’s miserable. I’m going to not resist anything (as much as I can). I’m going to do what I want!!! I’m going to speak up!!

Well, this all seems like a stretch but why not? Why resist how I am? I am going to share and say what I don’t think I SHOULD say and create my life!!!!

And that’s what this is. I am expanding my boundaries as I type.

Wish me luck.

Real honest greetings from Jamaica, mon!!!!

Thanks for listening.

(And you are supposed to say YA MON!!!)

I just did a video on memory. It was scary. I was trying to give the statistics for my blog that I received yesterday and couldn’t remember most of them. So here they are:

Getting Real with Hilary  Creator

OMG! You had 1,133 minutes watched this month. That’s 18.883 whole hours!

Here’s how your channel did this month+20SUBSCRIBERS +456VIEWS +1,133MINUTES WATCHED

And here is how your community responded+54LIKES +10COMMENTS +10POSTS +18SHARES

Isn’t that amazing? I don’t even know what I am doing!!! Since I had no expectations, I’m very pleased!!

OK – here’s the video where I can’t remember a fucking thing. (Yes, I swear).

And, one of the things that one of the Fabulous Babes remembered over the weekend is that we were the Fat Ass hole club.

I had been looking for years for who else was in that club with me and I offended many people I asked.

“Were you in the Fat Ass hole club?”

“No. Why would I have been in that club? Why are you asking me? Do you think I’m a fat ass hole?”

Whoops!!! Never mind. It wasn’t you!!!

I couldn’t figure out who had laughed with me about it. Definitely none of the people I asked. They were horrified.

Finally, I found the rest of my club. (I’m not mentioning names because some people get upset if I name people.) But, thankfully the mystery was solved. We cracked up remembering.

If we didn’t work out one day, we said we were in the Fat Ass hole club. Yes, we were fun, young, energetic and had NO FEAR!!! And we swore and it was great!!!

OK, gotta run. I’m already running late but since this is so much fun I couldn’t resist.

Thanks for listening and have a great fucking day!!