Torn Between Puking and Crying

Today was a trying day. Let’s say it that way.

UGH – Distinguishing how I wanted to be a victim and my totally disturbing mechanism with men – UGH

I drove an hour to a client who said there was one guy to see me out of about 26 employees. Not good. And, all he did was review his plan. That’s it. No sales. Nada.

Something got to me. I think it was the way the HR person looked at me – like I was a poor, pathetic person – like she felt sorry for me. That’s kind of how I felt. I tried to be grown up about it, but I have to say it sucked.

My job is to get good conditions. That means seeing employees. If I can’t see them, I can’t educate them and if I can’t educate them, they can’t buy policies. And I make $0. A big fat 0. And don’t even pay for my gas to drive there.

Before yesterday, I was saying that I wasn’t good at sales. Yesterday, on the other hand, I was powerful and passionate and sold some policies.

I guess today’s conditions had been set when I was still not being powerful and so there you go. Today SUCKed!

Can I forgive myself for that and for making another mistake? If I don’t, I am choosing to suffer.

I’m just feeling sick right now. Neck hurts, body hurts. Sweating. Just body sensations. Yesterday I was up on the scale. Fat Hilary returns in my mind. Can I forgive that?

No. I guess I want to be right that I’m a fat, unsuccessful loser. Why would I want to do that?

Good question. It actually makes no sense. Why wouldn’t I want to feel good about myself? Be powerful? Visualize success and abundance and my dreams?

I don’t know, but right now I don’t. I think I have to stop resisting the way I feel. Stop thinking I should be another way. Embrace my humanity. Embrace my mistake and shitty conditions at that client.

OK, I will. I will just allow the pain in my back and neck. Allow my disappointment. [LIGHT BULB]

That’s all it is once again, folks. Just disappointment. Why don’t I just realize that sooner? Who knows? I guess it’s a blind spot.

I just wanted to have a great day like yesterday.

And I didn’t.

That’s it. I can allow myself to be sad. Today sucked the big one.

It’s ok not to be happy and Pollyanna.

(It is? Are you sure?) That’s my little voice in case you wondered why it’s in parentheses.

Yes. It is. There are no rules that say you have to be fucking happy all the time. No RULE BOOK.

(OK, thanks. I will just be how I am. Phew.)

If I had remembered this 8 hours ago, I probably could have had a more relaxing and less painful day. All I can do is get quicker next time. It helps to work this out by writing. The video started it and this finished it. YAY!

OK, gotta go.

Thanks for listening.

Have a great night.

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