I guess feeling pressure makes me feel crazy. Or overwhelmed.
Like I can’t ever get to it all and so something bad is going to happen. I know what to do:
- make a list
- breathe – I know, I said that
But today nothing worked. I still feel it. This video attempts to make a joke of it. I don’t know if it did.
What am I afraid of? I’m still looking.
I think it’s just someone getting mad. So, I’m trying to respond to texts, emails, calls, clean my place (not really), worry about whether my sister is right about my mom.
Oh shit, that’s it. I am avoiding thinking about my mom and that’s why I’m obsessing. (OK, I can’t cry right now since I am going out to meet a friend and I don’t want my nose to run and my eyes to be puffy.)
When my sister is with my mom, she is convinced she needs someone to stay with her 24-7 because she has lost her mind and can’t be alone. When I’m with my mom, she seems fine.
When my sister is around, her version seems like the truth. I get sad, don’t want to deal, and feel overwhelmed. (This is it right here, folks!! Sometimes it takes a while).
I really don’t want to think my sister is right. Maybe the truth is some where in the middle.
I just don’t think I can handle reality about this. It’s too sad. It’s my mom. I know it’s life, but it’s just not something I think I can deal with.
I guess that’s where the work is. Being able to be with it powerfully. Being with what’s so. The circle of life.
And I don’t have to like it.
It’s like having a baby. It’s painful and scary but people survive it. The difference is you have a baby to celebrate at the end.
This is painful and scary. I guess I can celebrate my mom’s life. And be grateful she is still here. I can be as great as I can with it all and acknowledge that I don’t have to like it.
I think I got to my real issue here, folks. Sometimes it takes a video AND a blog to get to it.
Well, I’m feeling calmer. Sad, but calmer. I love my mom. She is amazing. And, it’s our journey together. And I can cry when I need to.
Thanks for listening. This is a big one.
When I get to the source, I get to my freedom and peace.
Thank you again.