I’m not in the mood to do a video so I will just do the blog instead.

I am watching the Super Bowl. I know one of the teams is San Francisco, but I keep forgetting who the second team is.

I think that’s probably un-American.

These commercials are either really stupid (in my opinion), or depressing. I’ll probably go to bed soon because I really don’t care who wins.

Is that terrible to admit? Oh well if it is.

FIRST TOPIC:

This weekend I did a course on Sharing. It’s my fourth time doing this course. Each time it’s a little different. I love it. It’s how I picked “saying what can’t be said,” and sharing for my exploration into how to create freedom and create lives that we love. I see the power that sharing has in how we relate to people and live our lives.

In the course, we shared what we didn’t want to share.

It was very freeing.

I shared something I was afraid to talk about. Before I shared, it was a big freaking deal. After I shared, it wasn’t so big. I was afraid if I told people about “this thing,” they would think I was stupid.

But really, I was afraid that I was being stupid. I remembered when this started this afternoon in the course.

When I was young, I made two art pieces for my dad. One was a face with a Pinocchio nose. My dad’s friends laughed thinking it was a penis. I was horrified.

The other piece of art was a sign I thought was funny but in retrospect, it wasn’t at all. It was kind of stupid, actually.

I still get embarrassed thinking about those two items.

I can see I made a decision after that that I couldn’t trust myself or my judgement.

I gave that up today. I am going to trust myself. If I’m doing it, it’s because I think it’s a good idea. If I make a mistake, it’s ok. Nothing bad will happen (hopefully).

I may have to remember that I decided this on a regular basis. I’ll probably forget and feel stupid again.

SECOND TOPIC:

I have been trying to write a blog for a man who has a readership of 1200 people. It’s supposed to be about self-compassion. It’s having a hard time since the topic is so general.

I just sent him my second attempt. We will see. It’s supposed to help me promote my book. I guess it either will or it won’t if he doesn’t like what I do.

Hard to please someone when you don’t really know what they are looking for.

AN ASIDE:

OK, I’ve had enough of this Superbowl crap. J.Lo and Shakira just did their thing. It kind of disturbs me that young kids are watching them dance so suggestively. I’m not a prude or prisspot, but I just started wondering if this is what we want our kids to see. I could practically see Shakira’s goods and services. Is that ok? Really?

THIRD TOPIC:

I was at my awards banquet on Friday night. I am a manager and we are supposed to hit something called FAME every quarter. This is something that is always talked about, reported on, and on our minds.

For the second year in a row, FAME was not mentioned at our awards night. I find this very odd. It’s what we strive for and get bonuses for. It’a a big deal.

I want to ask our top person why he chose not to mention it. Just so I can understand his thinking. Because right now I am just making him wrong and it is not empowering.

I am nervous to bring it up, though. I don’t want to look like I am a negative complainer.

I will to try to do it in a way that shows my commitment, instead of my negativity.

Wish me luck.

Have a good night.

Thanks for listening.

PS I think the second team is Kansas City. There’s a KC. I think that’s it.

I have my awards night tonight so I have to rush this.

I’ve been off the grid, exploring some new pathways to Freedom.

I talk about them here – partnership, the Three Laws of Performance, saying the UNSAID, and abundance.

Enjoy!!!

Hopefully more tomorrow. It’s the weekend!!

Gotta go!

Did you ever just want someone to come and save you?

Today I do.

I feel like I should just be taken away and put somewhere far far away.

Like on a hill.

Then have someone else do my life for me.

They can make the calls for work.

They can be happy instead of always fighting off the negative brain. This is what my brain is saying:

• you can’t do this
• you’re crazy
• you’re SO negative
• what is wrong with you?
• you’re like this every day.
• it’s never going to change
• what’s the point?

I thought when I was married, that it was my ex-husband insulting me all the time that was the problem. I got rid of him.

I’m still being insulted.

By me.

And, even though I know it’s just my brain, and that’s it’s job, it’s really hard to fight it after a while.

I’m exhausted from it.

I don’t have the energy for anything else.

Why bother?

Let’s do my favorites:

• It’s not going to work out anyway
• I can’t have what I want
• I’m stupid for thinking I can have what I want
• No one could put up with me because I can’t
• I’m exhausting to myself, so who else could deal with this?

This is not new for me. This is an old record.

The problem is it doesn’t stop playing in my mind.

Today on my way down to the gym at 5:45 AM I had a conversation with God again.

God, this is too hard. Not life, but listening to my brain. I am scared, feel resigned, powerless and hopeless.

“Can you have faith in me?” God asked.

I’m still looking for my answer. Of course I should be able to. It’s God, for God’s sake.

So what is in the way of me having faith?

I guess I just can’t see HOW things will work out.

And without knowing HOW, I don’t think they can.

Can I give up that I need to know how?

Can I relax and enjoy my life?

Why would the answer be no?

Why am I making this so hard?

I’m looking…………..

I think it’s easier than just doing the work.

By typing this blog, I don’t have to get on the phones.

I can “DEAL” with myself instead.

Holy crap. That’s disturbing, but………….

Wow………I can finally breathe……………..

That other thing is a habitual way of being…..I can make myself wrong…….I can avoid the domination of my job, my life, and having what I want.

I can stay paralyzed and stuck instead of risking:

• being great
• getting rejected
• having what I want
• being who people say I am

And what I have to stop doing is telling myself:

• I’m stupid.
• there’s something wrong with me
• I should be another way

I can breathe. I can believe in myself. I can trust myself. I am smart. I am great with people.

So, I will get out of my own head and go help some people. It’s way more fun than torturing myself.

As always, thanks for listening. For whatever reason, this helps me escape the suck side of life. No good happens over there. It’s exhausting. The longer I stay there, the worse it gets.

Thanks for getting me out.

Have a great day.

I went from terrified, paralyzed with fear, feeling completely sick, and should I add, neurotically crazy and freaking out (do you get the picture?) to:

• calm
• purposeful
• clear
• and FINE

How did I do it? Here were my steps:

• I stopped resisting the discomfort
• I allowed myself to feel the terror (tight chest, pain in stomach and back, difficulty breathing)
• I did a meditation
• I noticed what came up for me (an incident from the past)
• I shared about the incident 4 different times (on the video, and with three different people)
• I allowed myself to remember how it was for me in the incident
• I experienced the terror
• I admitted that I was ashamed of how I was feeling
• I stopped making myself wrong for my feelings
• The fear disappeared
• I could see clearly what I needed to do

What the hell am I talking about?

Basically, I was still terrified about learning my script for work. My boss told me he wants me to do it for him on Tuesday. Since then, just thinking about it made me feel sick.

My fear seemed really dumb to me. It’s just a few page script.

But, thinking that just made it worse. I could see I was still traumatized by an event in Germany in 1982. I was presenting the Manpower subsystem of a Resource Management to the US Army generals and colonels. When I opened my mouth to speak, nothing came out. I was frozen. All I could do was move my eyes. My brain literally stopped working. There was nothing I could do.

And even though that happened 38 years ago, the terror of that moment still felt like it was happening now. I didn’t know to do about it.

A Parallel Universe:

This week I discussed taking my videos to the next level with a PR guy I know. He told me I would need a real studio, professional equipment, and a SCRIPT. OMG. The same word that was freaking me out. A freaking SCRIPT. How wild is that?

In Conclusion:

I realized that the fear was me trying to be somebody other than myself. There are people at work who are really good at scripts. I am not THEM. Scripts are not my strength. But I am smart and people like me. I know my job, just don’t like memorizing things.

What if I could just be myself instead of pretending to be someone else? I know my stuff after 12 years, just like I did in Germany.

[Something else that might help: I can wear my glasses so I can SEE the little writing on the script. I hadn’t thought to bring THOSE glasses because I never needed them before. DUH!]

And, the thing about the PR guy is that I like winging it. It may not be professional, but it’s REAL. I don’t know if my videos will ever be a hit or a YouTube sensation, but they are fun. They are quick to do. No fuss no muss. I’m not sure I’m ready to shell out big bucks to be uncomfortable.

I think for once in my life, I’m not going to jump into it. Even if my brain is telling me to DO SOMETHING ALREADY.

I will take my time and see what the universe brings…….I am going to just relax about it, focus on work, and enjoy my life for now.

MY LAST CONCLUSION:

Today I had amazing conversations with some very great friends, relaxed, recorded, had my window open in the sun, grilled some food, cooked some soup, worked out, and went from TERROR to FREEDOM. I am calm and actually looking forward to tomorrow. After the morning I had, that’s a freaking miracle.

I’d say it was a pretty incredible day. And it’s only 6:50 PM.

The night is young.

Have a great night.

Thanks for listening.

You have GOT to watch this video. OMG. I’m not going to tell you what happened in this blog. (This is a teaser.)

I WILL tell you that my funk from yesterday (see yesterday’s blog), completely cleared when I stopped resisting my anger, sadness, resignation and confusion. I also got out of bed when I couldn’t sleep and went to the gym last night. I got out some of my anger and pent up energy on the rowing machine!!!

Then I slept well. In the morning I was feeling FINE.

All of a sudden, it was back. I started resisting what I needed to do today. I made myself wrong for not wanting to do ANYTHING. The FUNK RETURNED.

My energy sucked. I was back on the SUCK SIDE. I really did NOT want to make 90 calls for work. It is tedious and I just DIDN’T WANT TO!!

I got home from my early appointment and stared at my computer. I didn’t want to call rude ass holes. I couldn’t see myself doing it. I couldn’t see myself doing ANYTHING I needed to do.

What was I going to do? It was only 10:30 in the morning. I had all day to suffer over this. Something had to change.

I decided to meditate. I opened the door to my deck, spread out my yoga mat, covered it with a nice fuzzy blanket, and got a pillow. I turned on an Aaptiv meditation called “KNOW YOUR WORTH.”

When it was done, I talked to God:

“Please God, help me. I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS JOB ANYMORE!! I HATE IT!! I don’t want to make calls, help new people or have to survive this way. HELP ME!!!!!!

I stayed quiet. I stopped resisting that I didn’t want to. I really got into NOT WANTING TO. REALLY NOT WANTING TO.

Then all of a sudden I had a thought. My goal is to schedule two more appointments, not to make 90 calls. What if I can just make a couple of easy calls and schedule the appointments with ease?

Why did it have to be so hard?

All of a sudden, a reminder flashed on my phone to call a prospect I had been chasing since last summer. I hadn’t gotten him on the phone since July. Today he picked up the phone. I couldn’t believe it.

AND, he scheduled a meeting. It WAS EASY!!

WOW!

I called the next person who I had a reminder to call. I had also been chasing him since last summer. A Miracle: he answered. He wants to buy AFLAC. We scheduled a meeting for Monday at 5:00. OMG

I proceeded to contact ten more people by phone and email. I scheduled at least one more appointment via email and another by phone. That was 4. WITH EASE!!! More than the goal I had given up hitting for the week. Holy CRAP!!!

All because I stopped resisting “NOT WANTING TO.”

I had a new energy in my step. I processed some other negative stuff. I feel FREE. What a freaking difference from last night and this morning.

And if you want to see my other miracle – literally getting a message from the other side, you still have to watch the video. It comes a little later in the video.

Have a great day.

Thanks for listening.

Hey:

I feel like I’m writing to a friend.

I got into bed and can’t sleep.

Nothing is wrong. So why is my mind spinning?

Let’s see:

• conflicts with the family – I hate being in the middle of people talking about people
• my mom – she is better than people think
• an old friend – he came back and made all sorts of statements about how he missed me and I am the love of his life – and then said – Let’s take it slow – so what is it – am I the love of your life, are you just full of shit – or WTF?
• it kind of messed up my brain

So, here’s what I realize.

My life is fine. I enjoy the people I love. I enjoy being alone.

I don’t like eating and drinking late – I did it for my son for his birthday last night – AND – I prefer not to. I just feel like a fat, tired jerk with a stomach ache and I hate that.

I am in a funk with work – I don’t know why – I think I don’t want to have to call people and get treated like an ass hole – after a while it’s just not fun.

I think that’s it – I don’t like being treated like an ass hole –

OK, here’s the rest of the story:

• my other brother and sister called me to tell me to tell my son how to act because my OTHER sister was telling bullshit about what was happening at my mother’s
• this guy came back into my life professing his love and then – take it slow – fuck you – you would be lucky to have me ass hole and I will tell him that tomorrow
• I don’t want to have to do what I need to do for my job – it seems like a lot of work for nothing – which is totally not true – that’s just how it seems – I think that I just didn’t get to hit my goals this week because I had people to meet, meetings, and distractions with my daughter, my son’s birthday and this friend of mine – so I’m making myself wrong and then the whole world is wrong and then I don’t want to do anything so why bother
• so I went to sleep early and then can’t even get to sleep
• so I am making myself wrong for being wrong – and no one could love me because I’m such a pill and I don’t want to be around myself so who could?
• I shouldn’t publish this because who wants to be around someone so fucking negative and pathetic – I certainly don’t but I am stuck with me – so NOW what do I do? Run away from myself?
• How do you do that?
• Oh. I forgot…………

I am resisting my funk.

OK, I will try not to resist this.

I am going to go “be with” the funk. Have a good cry if I want. Feel sorry for myself. See if I can get through it to freedom.

I’m making myself wrong for making myself wrong. Blaming others for my funk.

It’s a bad place.

I am going to use this funk in the name of freedom. I don’t like how I feel, but so what? I will just be with it for now. That’s what has helped me before. Blaming others and thinking it’s their fault just has me be more right about how wrong I am. Which takes me deeper into the land of SUCKNESS.

If that makes any sense…………………………..

OK, thanks for listening. I am going to go dwell in the LAND OF SUCK!!!!!

And go through the electronic fence to FREEDOM!!!! (And hopefully get some sleep!)

OK, this video was going to be short – but oh well, it wasn’t.

I was having too much fun.

And, I have to leave in 14 minutes and have to get dressed so this will be short.

The video says it all.

Have a great day!

Thanks for listening.

OK – so I can see that when people give me feedback/constructive criticism (if there is such a thing) that I am not asking for, it takes a toll on my mental outlook/mental health/attitude.

I used to ask people not to give it to me – I’m not asking for coaching, I would say.

Then I felt rude.

Then people started telling me that they think I think that something is true. (I don’t even know what they were talking about. 2 people said something like it. I didn’t like it and it started the chink in the “something is wrong with me” kind of thinking.)

But I worked through it. I fixed myself (I thought).

I decided I was above their comments. I was “letting go of being impacted” by what people say or do. I was noble. I was wonderful. I was enlightened. I was out of my little paradigm house and FREE. No one could bring me down. I am woman hear me ROAR!!!!!

Or so I thought. Until today.

I realized that that has not worked very effectively.

I am on the other – SHIT – side of life. And I didn’t even know I was living there.

A bunch of things happened. Alone, each one is not a problem.

Together, they sent me over to the suck life without me even knowing. I really thought I was fine.

Until I lost my shit last night. Then today I was thinking why bother doing any work? It won’t make a difference anyway.

This thought sent an alarm off in my head.

I have goals. I need to hit my numbers. I can’t afford this type of thinking. What the fuck happened to the new, productive, success-visualizing me?

OK – I’ll tell you the comments/incidents:

• my title is bad, my cover is wrong
• so and so’s mother looks really good – she does Botox
• I lost my cool while trying to make my son happy instead of asking for what I wanted
• “count how many times you say “am I making sense?””
• I decided my video yesterday sucked – I couldn’t find my notes and I looked like hell
• my daughter told me I could make catchier titles like this other guy does on his videos
• Someone told me my videos are too long – they should be shorter

Some of these were a while ago. But, the cumulative effect is:

• I AM WRONG!!!!
• I AM WRONG!!!
• EVERYTHING I DO IS WRONG!!
• HOW I LOOK IS WRONG!!
• WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG and there is nothing I can do about it.

This is not a new one. It’s just so subtle that I didn’t see it coming.

I just start living on the suck side of life. It seems normal over there.

Why make calls? Why do anything?

Ladeedadeedah and on and on….Why do anything? It’s just going to suck anyway.

AND, to make matters worse, I’m supposed to be unconditionally happy per Michael Simon. (He didn’t say that, but I’m using that as more evidence against myself – he said we can CHOOSE that. Big difference).

But in my victimhood, I am WRONG for not being happy on top of everything else.

So………………………….

I am letting go of thinking I should be different. I am going to allow myself to be exactly how I am. And that is fine.

Fucking fine.

If you have a problem with that, don’t tell me. I’m not interested in your opinion. (I say with love).

Here’s the video if you have time. It might be entertaining if you’re in a bad mood, too!!!!

Well, time to get back to work. It feels good to get it out. I’m giving up the happy all the time thing. It just makes me feel worse.

I need to work through stuff. That’s how I learn. I’m using that to inspire others (hopefully) – or to entertain people with my crazy lunacy – or they don’t have to watch at all!!!

What they do is not my problem!!! Right?

Right.

So, that’s all folks!!!

Have a great day!

Thanks for listening.

–

Can someone invent a bagel cutter that cuts the bagel into three parts?

OK, let me back up:

I have decided I am visualizing my self 10 pounds thinner (instead of getting fatter and fatter), and I am going to lose the weight with ease, and joy, eating foods that I enjoy.

Well, I enjoy bagels.

Here’s the problem with that. I decided to weight one. It is very heavy and therefore has about a zillion WW points.

What I figured out, though, is that if I cut them in three, they are way less – @1.5 ounces on average. This translates to 4 pounds for 1.5 oz and 3 points if you round it down to 1 3/8 which of course I do. I mean, my little food weigher is not exact, so I take the liberty of saving the 1 point. (Could be why I’m not losing weight, but I’m not going there. I am visualizing success I just remembered).

(Oh, and why I would like a bagel cutter to cut the bagels into three, is that cutting them by hand is a little scary. Once you cut the first third, it’s flimsy and hard to cut the rest into the second and third thirds, and would be very easy to cut right into your own hand by mistake!)

I reached maintenance weight back in January of 2013 by by visualizing myself at my desired weight, jumping on and down with my Victory V, celebrating hitting my maintenance number.

(This was right after I finished the first writing of my book. It took me SEVEN YEARS to publish it, but I did it. I am staying proud!!!)

NEXT TOPIC:

I did my video on the first law of the three laws of performance. How people perform correlates to how situations occur to them. (I will not repeat what I said on the video). But, suffice it to say that it was fun to create a new occurring world for work and relationships.

Why keep having the same future? Let’s create something new.

Also, my exploration into “saying what can’t be said,” has spread to Australia. My daughter’s friend was repeating it to her.

“Say what can’t be said, Haley,” he said in his cute Australian accent.

And so she did. She said what she didn’t even know was bothering her and created affinity and love on the spot.

VERY VERY COOL!!!

It’ working, folks. People are creating freedom by saying what can’t be said, all over the freaking world.

Here’s the video:

OK, have a great day. Thanks for listening.

The sun came out – I’m opening my door!!!!

It’s been three years since my dad died. Tonight at Temple, they were also celebrating and discussing MLK’s birthday. We all sang “We Shall Overcome” right after the mourner’s kaddish. It was too much for me. I cried throughout the whole song – uncontrollably. Thank goodness I had tissues.

Martin Luther King talked about “the mountain.” He has seen the other side. He would like to live a long life, but something about he didn’t think he would. Wow!! But as long as he was delivering God’s message, he was good. WOW!

They were talking about how brave he was and man, he was brave. He was powerful.

I remember listening to a podcast of a basketball coach, I think, who happened to be a bodyguard the day that MLK spoke in Washington, DC. They needed someone for the job and asked him. He was standing next to him during that speech. OMG.

He said MLK wasn’t going to do the “I have a dream” part of the speech. A woman who was with MLK on the stage suggested he do that part during the speech.

Can you imagine if he hadn’t? What would be different? Hard to imagine, right?

Anyway, that coach grabbed his speech because MLK left without it. He kept it. It is a valuable piece of paper. I think he finally donated it to the Smithsonian or something. Isn’t that cool?

So, this is my nose-sniffing video. How about calling it Hilary’s Law? When you cry, your nose runs. This video demonstrates it.

I talk about Oprah and Tina Fey, WW, and the actions I am taking to sell 1000 copies of my book by April 7th. It will take a miracle, folks, and I am ready for one.

Have a good night.

Thanks for listening.