Sucked into the SUCK

Hey:

I feel like I’m writing to a friend.

I got into bed and can’t sleep.

Nothing is wrong. So why is my mind spinning?

Let’s see:

  • conflicts with the family – I hate being in the middle of people talking about people
  • my mom – she is better than people think
  • an old friend – he came back and made all sorts of statements about how he missed me and I am the love of his life – and then said – Let’s take it slow – so what is it – am I the love of your life, are you just full of shit – or WTF?
  • it kind of messed up my brain

So, here’s what I realize.

My life is fine. I enjoy the people I love. I enjoy being alone.

I don’t like eating and drinking late – I did it for my son for his birthday last night – AND – I prefer not to. I just feel like a fat, tired jerk with a stomach ache and I hate that.

I am in a funk with work – I don’t know why – I think I don’t want to have to call people and get treated like an ass hole – after a while it’s just not fun.

I think that’s it – I don’t like being treated like an ass hole –

OK, here’s the rest of the story:

  • my other brother and sister called me to tell me to tell my son how to act because my OTHER sister was telling bullshit about what was happening at my mother’s
  • this guy came back into my life professing his love and then – take it slow – fuck you – you would be lucky to have me ass hole and I will tell him that tomorrow
  • I don’t want to have to do what I need to do for my job – it seems like a lot of work for nothing – which is totally not true – that’s just how it seems – I think that I just didn’t get to hit my goals this week because I had people to meet, meetings, and distractions with my daughter, my son’s birthday and this friend of mine – so I’m making myself wrong and then the whole world is wrong and then I don’t want to do anything so why bother
  • so I went to sleep early and then can’t even get to sleep
  • so I am making myself wrong for being wrong – and no one could love me because I’m such a pill and I don’t want to be around myself so who could?
  • I shouldn’t publish this because who wants to be around someone so fucking negative and pathetic – I certainly don’t but I am stuck with me – so NOW what do I do? Run away from myself?
  • How do you do that?
  • Oh. I forgot…………

I am resisting my funk.

OK, I will try not to resist this.

I am going to go “be with” the funk. Have a good cry if I want. Feel sorry for myself. See if I can get through it to freedom.

I’m making myself wrong for making myself wrong. Blaming others for my funk.

It’s a bad place.

I am going to use this funk in the name of freedom. I don’t like how I feel, but so what? I will just be with it for now. That’s what has helped me before. Blaming others and thinking it’s their fault just has me be more right about how wrong I am. Which takes me deeper into the land of SUCKNESS.

If that makes any sense…………………………..

OK, thanks for listening. I am going to go dwell in the LAND OF SUCK!!!!!

And go through the electronic fence to FREEDOM!!!! (And hopefully get some sleep!)

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