Already Lost My MoJo

I have created this wonderful evening for Women’s Empowerment on Jan 2nd, 2019.  Last week I was gung ho and creating my team, inviting people, and living in the created life zone.

Today, I’m not.

For me, staying excited for five days is pretty good.  Usually it’s about 2 hours until someone says no or doesn’t call me back.

I can see I need to strengthen my muscle for generating.  That’s why I’m writing this.  So I can get back to “in the zone.”

What am I afraid of?

  • that the people that said they would be on my team don’t know what it entails (a half hour phone call each week and making a list of 25 people to invite)
  • that they won’t actually do that even if they are on the team
  • that I will have to be the ass hole to have them do all that stuff
  •  that I’m really a fraud and can’t generate this longer than a few days and everyone will know and I will be completely embarrassed and mortified on Jan 2
  • that no one wants to play with me (age 5)
  • that there’s something wrong with me (age 2)
  • that I should be excited 100% of my life (age ??)
  • that I shouldn’t even write this blog because it’s stupid and I look like a crazy bitch
  • that I’m right about all of the above

OK, that was fun.  That was really good stuff that I don’t normally say.  It’s freeing to just get it out.  Pretending it’s not there is not very empowering.

An aside:  I’m watching these really huge waves outside.  And, they are rolling up under my little beach cottage.  And I’m wondering if I should be getting the hell out of here.  The thought of my house getting loose and floating out to sea with me in it scares the crap out of me.  I can just see myself yelling “help” over the huge sound of the waves and no one being able to save me.  I wonder if that happened in another life because it seems awfully real and I used to have it in our old rental when the waves would come over the rocks onto the street.  Feeling powerless.  Not fun.

OK, so, back to my fraudulent event on Jan 2.  I can take actions.

OK, the waves are really loud.  I think I can’t concentrate.  I’m outa here.  I’ll finish on dry land.

THE NEXT DAY:

I just came back after staying at my mom’s last night.

I heard from my neighbors that the water came all the way under the house and was just under the deck.  The sand and storm debris is all over the beach, walk way, road, etc.  I’m glad I left when I did.  I already had to drive through water and the high tide was an hour and a quarter away.  Any later and I wouldn’t have made it out and my car would probably have been ruined.  Plus I would have been really nervous having the water all the way under my house.

Back to the Jan 2nd event:

I have already taken actions:

  • I communicated with Michael, the guy who is designing this with me, and told him I am stuck which allowed me to get into action (saying what can’t be said)
  • I invited two new people to be on the team
  • I will send the email with the requirements to the people who already said yes
  • I will get clear who is on my team

OK, thanks for listening.  I am staying in communication instead of hiding out and that is a breakthrough for me.  It really seems like this is a bad idea.  I knew it would, AND, I promised to keep going forward anyway.

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2 thoughts on “Already Lost My MoJo

  1. Wow – I just LOVE your blog, Hilary. Thanks so much for sharing so much of yourself – authentically and courageously! So inspiring and insightful. I feel very supported, through your words, to take more risks and be in communication with the people I love. Please keep writing! Love, Aaron Bartlett

    Liked by 1 person

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