I’m still reading Brene Brown’s book. I never thought I was a perfectionist until today.

“Perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it’s often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction and life-paralysis……It’s terrifying to risk when you’re a perfectionist; your self-worth is on the line.”

I’m not neat or needing to be perfect about my clothes or hair. So I thought this didn’t apply to me. But I started thinking how “I used to” get crazy if I was late. It felt like I was going to literally die and I’d be yelling at the kids and really feel out of control.

Or if I made a mistake at work or didn’t know something. Panic would set in. I didn’t want to admit that I needed help.

I am also secretly ashamed that I have papers all over my desk and that I’m organized. And I can’t wrap a beautiful gift or set a gorgeous table like my sister.

I invite people to parties randomly and sometimes forget who I invite. My sister, on the other hand, has a real list and follows up until she gets the attendance perfectly.

I don’t feel shame when I’m alone because no one can see me. It’s safe here. Read on my friends, this was eye opening to me………….

According to Brene Brown, perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment and blame…..Perfectionism is unattainable……It’s addictive because when we invariably do experience shame, judgment or blame, we often believe it’s because we weren’t perfect enough…….it leads to self-blame: It’s my fault. I’m feeling this way because “I’m not good enough.”

Or in my case, “I shouldn’t be the way I am. If I was better, it would be different so it’s my fault. Always my fault. If you look at my last blog, you will see it. Instead of just being disappointed, I blamed myself and wasted three days being strangled by the octopus.

“My wrinkles are my fault because I love the sun.” VS my mother told me my dry skin is genetic.

“My clients cancelled because I suck.” VS they have everything and wouldn’t come to see me so why waste my time when I could spend it some where more productive.

ETC.

My daughter just called me. “I bought food and now I look at it in my refrigerator and I’m afraid I’m going to waste it and I’m trying to save my money so how stupid am I for buying too much.”

“I always beat myself up for the way I spend my time. It’s never ok. I’m always thinking I should be doing something more productive.” These are her most powerful shame making thoughts. It’s all about being perfect according to some self-proclaimed standard of unattainable bull shit.

I can relate. And I told her about shame. And that we can practice “Shame resilience” and “Self-compassion.” We can embrace our imperfections or bring some play to them.

Because it really feels like we should be shot when we do something imperfect. I get anxious and panicked if I’m going to be late. I have to literally talk myself down. It’s not fun and not funny. Bringing play could make them less serious.

There’s way more to say about this but I have to get going.

I am definitely loving this book. It’s called: “The Gifts of Imperfection.” One last thing before I stop: self-compassion has three elements: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.

More about this next time. Enjoy your day!!!!

It’s a strange title, isn’t it? And my brain is telling me nobody wants to read what I write, so why bother?

And I am thanking it for sharing and writing anyway.

OK – let’s get the cottage cheese out of the way. For years I ate cottage cheese every day. I loved it. But then, after a while, I started getting sinus infections. And for some reason, I attributed them to eating cottage cheese. So I stopped.

Last week I decided to test out my theory. I bought a container of cottage cheese and ate just a little. And I was fine. Until today. My head is pounding and I am spitting out mucus. (Sorry if that’s gross).

Is it the cottage cheese? I don’t know. But just in case, I’m donating it to someone else. It’s just not worth it if is. It seems crazy, but it’s true. Don’t know why I’m telling you about it, but maybe someone else has the same thing with some food. Who knows?

OK, next is the Octopus. I have been in a funk this week (I know, not unusual for me, but this one was really bad). I didn’t have any energy, didn’t want to do anything, didn’t want to go to my office, and what was really unusual was that I didn’t even want to work out. Since working out is what I look forward to, I got concerned.

I was considering quitting everything. But I didn’t know what I would do if I did. Stay home and not make money and not exercise ever again? It didn’t seem like a good option.

So today I decided to communicate. I called my coach. I deleted 3 voicemails of talking until I figured out what had happened. It felt like I had been wrestling a rubber octopus. I’d get one tentacle off and another one would wrap around me even tighter. I couldn’t get free. I was suffocating from all these rubbery arms.

So here’s what I figured out after talking for 20 minutes and deleting my messages. 3 clients in the last two weeks cancelled. They told me not to come in. That I’d be wasting my time. Well, one was an almost client that I was counting on since it had been scheduled since January.

And I went to where I go. It’s my fault. I suck. I’ll never get this quarter going. I don’t want to do this. Why bother? Life sucks and I just want to sleep. I spent a few days in this mode wondering what was wrong with me.

Today I realized I was just disappointed. I wanted to see them and offer them my policies and protect them if someone got hurt. And not being given the opportunity was disappointing. Being treated like an ass hole with nothing to offer (in my interpretation) is disappointing.

And I went where I go. To being a powerless two year old victim. Nothing I can do. It’s my fault because there’s something wrong with me. And I just plain old suck.

And last night I ate nachos and drank two skinny margaritas with a friend of mine. And then I felt gross. And when I came home I almost opened a bottle of red wine that I had bought that day.

And I wondered why I was thinking about drinking it. Easy: I wanted to numb these feelings. I wanted to escape the octopus. It was strangling me with negativity.

I didn’t open the wine. I didn’t eat anything else. Instead I watched a Hallmark movie (they all have the same basic plot and have happy endings) and worked on my puzzle. I put on my sleep meditation and I went to bed.

And this morning I decided I needed to work this out in communication and called my coach. Even though it’s a one sided voicemail, it worked. I figured out that I was just disappointed and could finally extricate myself from the octopus.

I felt free and my energy and creativity returned.

I emailed my boss. Told him we can DO THIS THING and what I needed. I talked to a friend and asked her how I contribute to people and she gave me a long list of why she loves to be around me. It gave me a whole new perspective on life.

And I’m ready to get back out there. And that’s a miracle. I can have compassion for myself. And I will write another blog on that in a minute.

So, I will love the octopus and might even buy a little stuffed one to remind me that it comes out when I’m not recognizing that I’m simply disappointed. I can acknowledge it and let it go instead of blaming myself. And maybe I can catch it quicker next time.

Thanks for listening. More to come.

I have been getting excited about learning about what others have been saying about authenticity, fitting in, and belonging.

And tying it in to what the brain does, and what different people are calling the voice in our heads or our thoughts.

Who would have thought that our thoughts weren’t true? We have listened to them all our lives. They are automatic and non-stop. And pretty negative and disempowering.

Our brain is trying to protect us from doing something risky or getting hurt. We should thank it, but not listen to it.

Any time I want to go out of my comfort zone and say something new or speak up or publish something, for example, my brain says “who wants to listen to you?” or “why do you think YOU have something to say of value?” or “don’t get them upset” or “just keep quiet.”

All these things are limiting. How can I ever have the life I really want if I listen to my protective brain? I can’t.

I will stay alone in my home and never do anything different.

So I’ve been practicing saying what I’m afraid to say and sometimes it’s good and sometimes it causes a big huge fight.

But at the end of the fight, if it’s with someone who has a commitment of working things out, there’s magic. If you can get through the discomfort, you can get to the other side where there’s affinity.

It’s tricky. You can’t take their feedback personally, but listen from their world.

If I don’t speak up when I’m upset, I just avoid or get rid of people. I cross them off my list. But then I realized that I was resenting other people because I didn’t speak up. So I started saying something. Because the resentment had nothing to do with them, really.

And since I’ve started communicating, I have WAY more people in my life that I love. It’s a beautiful thing.

And, getting back to the thoughts in our heads. I wish my beautiful friend Fran had known that her thoughts were not true. I’m pretty sure she’d be alive today if she had.

So, that’s my mission. To have more people know that they ARE NOT their thoughts, but quite wonderful people. We are each born with gifts, but instead of focussing on them, we focus on what we are NOT good at or what’s missing. At least I do and have.

For me, thinking positively is not natural. I have to work at it, and my default of something’s wrong is waiting to jump out all the time. And sometimes I don’t realize what’s happened because it just seems so real and true that there REALLY is something wrong.

I think I’m catching my negative thoughts sooner than I used to. And sometimes I just need to accept them and even wallow a bit, too.

But alas, I’m tired. I can’t think straight anymore so I will bid you Good night.

I have stumbled upon some podcasts and books and Tedx talks in the last 4 days that have caused me to vibrate with excitement (this is not meant sexually – sorry for the vivid use of these words).

The first was Brene Brown that I referenced a few days ago. Then my daughter sent me one of Oprah’s Super Soul Conversations where she was interviewing Eckart Tolle. Then I received a book of Brene Brown called The Gifts of Imperfection.

I have since listened to more of Oprah’s Soul talks and started reading the book. I think I had also heard talk of this “awareness” on some of Tim Ferriss’s podcasts as well – specifically Gabor Mathe and I can’t remember the other guys names.

Anyway, I feel like there is a movement going on. Maybe I am late in knowing this, but for me it was the right time. When my ex had tried to play Eckart Tolle’s book in the car, I just couldn’t listen to it. I didn’t know what was going on, and his lovely but monotone voice made me feel crazy. I begged him to turn it off.

But, this week, when I heard Oprah interviewing him, it was in a form that I could resonate with.

There’s so much about this going on in my mind. I’m going to pick one track to discuss so I don’t try to fit them all together and not do justice to any of them. Here goes:

Brene Brown talks about Wholeheartedness. That we are worthy NOW. Not when we lose 20 pounds, or publish our book, or sell our art, or get married, or make partner or any external thing.

Any even though, intellectually I’ve known that, I’ve still been waiting until I lose these 10 pounds that I gained. Or find my fabulous life partner. Or put enough money into savings so I can really breathe. Etc.

And I know that even after having my best year ever at work and getting the biggest bonus I’ve ever received on Friday, it’s never enough to externally have me feel worthy.

It’s an inside job as my father used to say. I am WORTHY NOW. Crazy that it’s so simple.

Another thing that REALLY hit me validates MY (of course my ego needs to own this) initiative called CREATING LIFE OUT HERE. I describe it as “creating life in the in between – free from the limiting thoughts of our brain.” This exists between people, not in our own thoughts and allows us to freely create lives we love.

The access for me is sharing and saying what we don’t think we can say.

Brene talks about this for pages and pages but the quote that struck me was in a section called “Defining Love and Belonging”

“Relationship and connection happen in an indefinable space between people, a space that will never be fully known or understood by us.”

That’s what I’m talking about. (Said in a Brooklyn accent with the hand movements of a 19 year old boy).

“Love belongs with belonging. Fitting in is different than belonging. Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to CHANGE who we are; it requires us to BE who we are.”

And she talks about being vulnerable to be who you really are. And that’s what I mean by saying what can’t be said. The stuff you are afraid to let people know because they will know the REAL you.

Like when I’ve done something I’m not proud of. Or I’m afraid or hurt or need help.

My “fitting in” person is independent, doesn’t need anyone, got it under control, and FINE.

I am practicing speaking up when I need help, am nervous, and the really hard ones – when I’m disappointed or hurt, because then people will know I care.

And that’s what I’ve tried to hide my whole life. “I don’t care,” I would say. It’s fine. I didn’t want to go anyway, didn’t want it anyway, wasn’t excited about it anyway, etc. And then I would blame myself for expecting something. “Boy are you stupid, I would tell myself, for thinking it was ACTUALLY going to happen.” I would turn my disappointment inward instead of being my real self and holding people accountable for what they said. It was easy to be involved with people who didn’t treat me well because I didn’t say anything. And stay in relationships that didn’t work.

Rather than trying to be how I think I should be to fit in, I am repeating what Brene says that “Belonging doesn’t require us to CHANGE who we are; it requires us to BE who we are.”

And I feel like all my life if I tried to be able to just be upset when I was or be disappointed, I ended up defending myself and my feelings. That’s because underneath it all “I wasn’t ok the way I was.” So if someone told me “I was always upset” or “too sensitive,” it would reinforce that I shouldn’t be that way and I was never going to be ok. And I would feel worse.

But, if I’m actually ok the way I am, I can be anyway or say anything or do anything and I don’t need anyone else’s validation to be myself. It could actually be freeing.

Here’s where Eckart Tolle comes in. We have a pain body which is the ego (I think). As soon as we are free to love ourselves, the pain body is going to get REALLY loud and argue that it’s a BAD IDEA. That we should keep trying to fit in, etc.

That will be the challenge here. To ignore the little voice in the head that I am used to listening to. To tell it to be quiet. That I am worthy and fine exactly how I am.

That I can write my book and my blog and speak up. Not everyone has to agree or even like it. But it’s my expression and that is a gift from God. Who’s to argue with that, PAIN BODY?

Well, it’s going to be fun/interesting to practice this. Let’s see how it goes.

Happy Sunday!!!

Two weeks ago I had gum surgery.

I went for my checkup yesterday.

I am doing fine. Great. I started getting up to leave.

“Get her the brush,” the periodontist said.

The assistant looked at him with her eyebrow raised.

“Yes, get it,” he said.

He showed me how to put together this little brush. He put it in the NEW dastardly hole between my teeth and showed me how to move it around.

“It’s not so bad,” he said watching my face grimace in disgust.

“How often do I have to do this?” I asked.

“Every time you eat.”

“Seriously?” I asked. “Really?” Again I made a not so attractive face.

“This shouldn’t be a problem. It’s no big deal,” they said.

I walked out of the building feeling like I was making a big deal out of something that they seemed to think was so MUNDANE.

Well, it’s not MUNDANE to me. It FEELS LIKE A BIG DEAL.

So, rather than suffer with my internal monologue I am going to vent it all out here. Ready? This is unfiltered venting.

I HATE HAVING A HOLE BETWEEN MY TWO FRONT TEETH.

IT HURTS!! AND IT HURTS EVEN MORE AFTER I STICK THAT BRUSH IN THERE.

I have never brushed my teeth after every meal. I DON’T WANT TO!

I FEEL LIKE I’M MAKING THE HOLE BIGGER BY STICKING THAT BRUSH IN THERE!!!

This whole thing just makes me feel old. There’s no going back. It’s only downhill from here. I’ll be finding more amd more places to stick brushes and pretty soon I won’t have any time for anything else.

It’s my fault. If I had just made a dentist appointment earlier, I wouldn’t have gotten the gum infection and I wouldn’t have this DAMN HOLE!!!

I hate when I put my tongue there and there’s a HUGE HOLE!!! It shouldn’t be this way!!!!

It’s not fair!

It will never be better. It can only get worse per the doctor. I still have pockets and if I don’t do this I will get MORE POCKETS AND MORE HOLES!!!! OY VAY!

Let’s see – is there anything else?

YES – I HATE IT!!!

I don’t want to have to carry this stupid little brush around with my toothbrush and brush and floss and use this little brush in public bathrooms after a meal. Seriously? Really? I DON’T WANT TO!!!!

Ok, that might be it.

The truth is, when I actually use the brush, it actually doesn’t take that long and my teeth do feel cleaner.

I have only done “it” in the privacy of my home so far. The first time I put the little brush in the little hole from behind (it sounds a little kinky but trust me, it’s not), I couldn’t figure out how to get it out. I was looking in the mirror and I don’t have a good sense of direction so I kept pushing it in more and was starting to panic. Finally I figured out how to move it the right way and got it out.

I am getting better at it since that first time. But, I still don’t like it.

And, according to them, it’s really not a big deal. Talk to the hand.

LATER:

I called the dentist office and talked to my buddy at the front desk. She said I didn’t need to go crazy. Twice a day (morning and night) is fine. It’s just to keep the food out of there. And, that she also has a hole in between two teeth and it’s no big deal. It’s just like flossing.

Do I feel better? A little. I think the pain will hopefully go away as the wound heals. I will use the brush at home morning and night. And I can bring those little flossers for during the day.

I’m lucky this is my first run in with dental and gum issues, I guess. I have had good teeth all my life, so why am I whining?

I’m not, I’m just venting. I am getting into dialogue so shut up!!!!

[Who needs other people when I can fight with myself, right?]

Anyway, thanks for listening. Hope you were at least a little entertained!!!!!

Gotta go clean my hole!!!!!! (Just kidding………….sort of)

Just watched a Ted talk.

It was called the Power of Vulnerability by Brene Brown. I am having trouble copying and pasting but it was fascinating to me because it is what I have been looking at.

She studies people and discusses her findings. I can’t do it justice but will watch it again. Has to do with numbing which is what I have been looking at in my book.

file:///C:/Users/Hilary/Documents/The%20power%20of%20vulnerability%20_%20Bren%C3%A9%20Brown%20-%20YouTube.html

OK that’s the link. More later.

My son called me tonight.

“I’m very emotional,” he said.

There was quiet. And I heard some sounds. He was crying.

He had dated a girl last summer. He had been very happy with her. She ended things. He was having a hard time letting her go.

I didn’t say anything for a while. I just let him cry. He told me how he had texted her to say goodbye and had thanked her for the lessons their relationship had taught him.

We talked.

“How did you feel when you were with her?” I asked.

“Happy, we had fun, life was great. I was in a great place.”

“Did you feel whole?” I asked.

“Yes,” he said.

“Do you need her back to feel whole again?”

“Kind of,” he said.

“Well, if the story that you’re not whole without her is true, than you better get her back. She could send you your arm or something in the mail to make you whole.” I said.

I know how he feels. I had a guy that I thought I needed to be whole. I had fun, was happy and could be myself with him. And I hadn’t really felt that way since things ended. But once someone asked me to consider that I might be attributing those feelings to him, I could finally unattach them.

“I guess I could be whole and complete on my own,” my son finally said. “But I needed that cry. I needed to get the pain out. My body was really hurting because I wasn’t letting it out. I feel much better.”

Feeling like you need someone else to be happy is a terrible feeling. I should know. I did it for quite a while.

But if I can belong to the universe and I am whole and complete by myself, then I could actually just enjoy another person instead of needing him. I could be myself and life could be fun. What a novel concept.

My son and I joked as we often do and he got off the phone happy. He was whole, and even told me about a cute girl he met at the airport. He was off to have dinner with his buddies.

It’s nice to be whole. Life’s more fun.

Didn’t Goober used to say that on Andy Griffith? Well, maybe not, but I’m saying the title with his southern accent………

This weekend I was subdued. I wrote about it yesterday. This morning, Monday, I really thought I should be over my funk. And I definitely wasn’t. And I didn’t know what to do about it.

I went into the office and stayed quiet, but tried to act semi-normal.

I finally got to ask my boss if he had sent the email about the $28,000 reversal that was messing up my numbers. He sent it while I was watching.

He could see I was upset and he said, “forget it and focus on something you can control.”

That was the last straw. I decided I needed to leave. I had had enough. I was going to the dentist to get my stitches out from my surgery last week. Instead of coming back to the office, I decided to go home.

I called my coach when I got in the car. I had tried over the weekend but his voicemail never picked up. Thankfully this time it did. And I finally let it all out – negative balance, what my boss said, the bitches that left, and my overall funk.

And it felt good to just say that it all sucked. My mouth feels horrible and I have a bad attitude and feel hopeless but it’s really just that it’s not fair. And I don’t like it.

Then I went to the dentist. I asked him if the black spot in between my two front teeth is a scab or something stuck.

“It’s just a space. We had to remove your gums because of the bone loss. We can’t do anything about it,” he said.

“You mean I will have this black thing here forever?”

“Yes,” he said.

I left and got in my car. I called my coach again.

“I have a black space between my two front teeth,……..” and I cried and cried and cried.

I went to Stew Leonard’s to get some tuna salad. It’s my favorite. And it’s soft. And my friend called. And, in the dairy aisle, I told her about my mouth. And I was heaving I was crying so hard.

“And it’s in between my two front teeth, and there’s no bone there to hold them in. They might fall out. My father was a dentist. This is so not ok.”

And she listened and I cried some more. She was great. I started feeling better. I finally got real. I stopped pretending I was fine. Cause pretending was sucking the life out of me.

It felt good to get mad. It felt good to cry. And I stopped trying to be the type of person I think I’m supposed to be and started being who I really am. And it was freeing.

And I was afraid the people at the dentist office would think I’m too high maintenance and “always upset.”

That’s what I was accused of when I was married. Always being upset.

Well, here’s the thing. I’m upset when I’m upset. And I’m not when I’m not. And I’m tired of pretending that I’m someone that I’m not. It’s really exhausting.

And on that note, I’m going to bed. Even though it’s only 6:49. I didn’t sleep all weekend.

BEFORE I GO: Now it feels like my front teeth are moving. And I’m afraid they are falling out. And I’m worried.

Hmmmmm……I guess if they do, I will have to figure something out. But until then, I might as well enjoy my teeth. They have been good teeth and I do appreciate them. I just wish I had known this could happen. I wouldn’t have taken them for granted.

I thought I was being so good to them. Brushing and flossing. I just didn’t know I could get a gum infection.

“And, worrying isn’t really going to help the situation,” my mother just told me.

And, she’s right. Worrying is not going to help. If it happens, I’ll deal with it.

And I was going to have a nice relaxing sleep. And my ex called to say there was a murder up the street from my mother’s house last night. Some 75 year old man shot and killed his ex-wife.

And now my head is worried about that. Well, again, there is nothing I can do about it.

Our WW leader, Zach, tells us, if worrying helped you lose weight it would be a short meeting. “I would just tell you all to worry as much as you can nd you could leave.”

Or hating yourself. Or being afraid.

They really don’t do anything for us, do they? I guess they are just habits.

Ok, that’s enough for now. Time to go to bed and worry about all of this.

Just kidding……………..

I am about to tackle my book again. Yesterday I was going through it and I just got all confused.

I removed stuff I had just put in. I took notes.

And I’m trying to sort through what I am doing.

And I’m still not clear.

But it’s my goal for the weekend. So I am going to try it again.

Or do I need some time away?

I guess I’ll know when I start.

Can I just enjoy the process and not be in a rush?

NO NO NO NO NO

I’m tired of working on this damn thing. I’m tired of reliving my painful past. I’m tired of blaming myself for every freaking thing. I’m tired of being responsible. I’m tired of trying to act like everything is fine. I’m tired of just taking the insults and taking the high road.

I think all I want to do is just cry. Take the low ride. Hide in my house. Feel sorry for myself (again – I just did that Friday night). So what’s the problem, I thought it was my book? Guess not.

Last night I went to my mom’s. I didn’t want to, but my aunt, uncle, cousin, sister and brother in law were going to be there. So I went. And I drank more wine than I needed to. And I pretended everything was normal.

And today, I’m home. I’m de-stressing. It is tough to watch people age. Their minds and their bodies are breaking down. My cousin screams everything because his father can’t hear. My aunt needs help going to the bathroom because she might fall and they won’t be able to get her out because she will be blocking the door. And, their daughter died 2 years ago and I miss her. And no one mentions her name. And that really breaks my heart. It’s as if she didn’t exist.

And then my mother starts acting all happy and funny when she feels like she is losing control – kind of manic. And it just makes me really sad. And I sit there like it’s normal. And it takes everything out of me.

And they want me to come back tonight. And I feel like I should because God forbid something happens I would feel terrible if I didn’t go. But I also feel that I need my own space.

What if I didn’t have to pretend when I’m there? What if I could just be myself? Would it be more relaxing?

Maybe. But I don’t know how. I don’t know how to relax when it feels like life is falling apart. When the people I love aren’t the same anymore. And it’s not going to get any better, probably. It’s only going to get worse as they age and their bodies and minds continue to deteriorate.

I don’t know how to handle this. I guess I don’t think it should be this way. It should be easier. They shouldn’t be this way.

After all, they were the parents. And they took care of us. And I know if my father was still alive, he would know what to tell me.

“It’s life, Hilary. It’s just the way it is. You can’t cry about it. It’s not going to help. People get old. Their bodies stop working. Then they die. Like me. It was my time. Soon it will be theirs. It’s life.”

And that’s that.

I guess when my dad was still alive, even though he didn’t feel well, I felt like he was in charge. I didn’t have to worry. Since he died, there’s an imbalance. I guess he used to balance out the personalities somehow.

I guess I can just accept how I feel about it. It’s hard. And, it’s better for my mental health to stay away sometimes. And live my life. And let them live theirs. And trust the future.

And just allow myself to be upset when I’m upset. And accept myself however I am.

So that’s what I will do. I will breathe and trust that things are the way they are supposed to be. And I can relax. I don’t have to feel like I have to keep it all together. It’s exhausting. And stressful. And, I really can’t prevent life from unfolding. It’s not even my job. I think somewhere inside I made up that if I was a really good daughter I could love my mother enough to keep her from getting older and more confused. I’ve put alot of pressure on myself to be good and just take all the shit that comes my way.

And I have to stop that. It’s not healthy and it’s not working anyway.

And I don’t really know what I can do instead. But, as I said before, I am going to relax more. And try to have more fun. And try to give this job back to God. It’s really not mine.

Well, this was a surprising blog to write. I really thought I was just confused about my book. I feel better having a good cry and getting all this crap out. I really didn’t know how much it was affecting me.

All I knew was that I needed to get away. And I’m glad I did.

OK, thanks for listening. I’m going back to my book.

Am I surprised at my very negative reaction?

I guess I would like to think that I wouldn’t wish harm on someone. But it’s not true. Or maybe I’m just reacting to a perceived attack on myself.

I guess what I need to do is dissect the event to see what’s REALLY happening.

First I’ll give you the story:

1.Agent 1 wanted a transfer out of my district at work. She was asked by my boss to talk through the issues and work it out, but instead she lied to me and said the transfer was already granted. It was not. It pissed me off that she disregarded our boss’s instructions and got what the transfer anyway. Why should she get rewarded for not doing what she is asked? WTF?

2. Next, I get investigated by the AFLAC trust for something I didn’t do. I can only assume that it was agent 1 who reported me. It involved Agent 2, but she swore that she didn’t know anything about the allegations. Agent 2 remained in my district, I paid for her to network, gave her premium that she did not work for at my accounts, and treated her very nicely. She acted innocent, took the premium I give her, and acted like my best friend.

3. Last week I was told by another district that it wasn’t Agent 1 who reported me, but, according to Agent 1, Agent 2. That means that one of them is lying. Either the one that already left or the one I still have.

4. My new boss told me yesterday that Agent 2 now wants to transfer to work with Agent 1. All they had done is badmouth each other but ok, I guess that’s who they are. And, I should feel good riddance to both of them. Who needs the negativity? Who needs the lying and backstabbling?

5. So why am I so pissed? I guess because I don’t think that negative behavior and lying and not being willing to communicate should get rewarded. And I want them to suffer for making me look like the bad guy. I treated both of them very fairly and generously and this is what I get back? Fuck you. That’s how I feel. And, I wanted them to pay somehow. That’s what I was surprised at. That I wanted harm to come to these people and that’s not who I think I am.

6. But what if they are not responding to me? What if they are just blaming me for their lack of success and think that if they eliminate me, all will be great? And it either will be different, or it won’t. Agent #2 didn’t do anything anyway. and Agent #1 didn’t qualify for awards because her new clients didn’t pay their bills. So it really is better without them in reality.

7. So if Agent 2 thinks she can do better with Agent 1, God bless their reunion. Who cares? And if I really think about the time with her, she was full of false promises. She never opened the four accounts she said she was, and her three recruits never even took the test. In retrospect, I was investing in her without any return at all. Again, another reason to be happy she is gone.

8. So, I guess instead of harm, I can wish them both well. They truly do deserve each other – they can sneak, lie and back stab each other. What fun for them! And all the more reason to say ADIOS evil people!!!!

9. Out with the old, in with the new. And to top it off, I just got hit with a very negative reversal of premium from last year. It would have been better for it to have hit last year, when the mistake was made. But it didn’t. And, I can either give up because it all looks hopeless. And none of this is fair!!!! And be a victim!!!

10. Or, like a Phoenix, I can rise out of the ashes and BEAT THESE BITCHES ANYWAY!!!! No one puts BABY IN THE CORNER!!!!! I will recruit my little ass off and get some new blood and new premium and new accounts!! Enough being an angry, pathetic little victim!!!

11. Gotta go. Gotta get back on the phones!!!

Thanks for letting me work through this. I feel better already! I can now see that Agents 1 and 2 actually did me a favor. Thank you lovely ladies!!!!