Relationship and Connection

I have stumbled upon some podcasts and books and Tedx talks in the last 4 days that have caused me to vibrate with excitement (this is not meant sexually – sorry for the vivid use of these words).

The first was Brene Brown that I referenced a few days ago. Then my daughter sent me one of Oprah’s Super Soul Conversations where she was interviewing Eckart Tolle. Then I received a book of Brene Brown called The Gifts of Imperfection.

I have since listened to more of Oprah’s Soul talks and started reading the book. I think I had also heard talk of this “awareness” on some of Tim Ferriss’s podcasts as well – specifically Gabor Mathe and I can’t remember the other guys names.

Anyway, I feel like there is a movement going on. Maybe I am late in knowing this, but for me it was the right time. When my ex had tried to play Eckart Tolle’s book in the car, I just couldn’t listen to it. I didn’t know what was going on, and his lovely but monotone voice made me feel crazy. I begged him to turn it off.

But, this week, when I heard Oprah interviewing him, it was in a form that I could resonate with.

There’s so much about this going on in my mind. I’m going to pick one track to discuss so I don’t try to fit them all together and not do justice to any of them. Here goes:

Brene Brown talks about Wholeheartedness. That we are worthy NOW. Not when we lose 20 pounds, or publish our book, or sell our art, or get married, or make partner or any external thing.

Any even though, intellectually I’ve known that, I’ve still been waiting until I lose these 10 pounds that I gained. Or find my fabulous life partner. Or put enough money into savings so I can really breathe. Etc.

And I know that even after having my best year ever at work and getting the biggest bonus I’ve ever received on Friday, it’s never enough to externally have me feel worthy.

It’s an inside job as my father used to say. I am WORTHY NOW. Crazy that it’s so simple.

Another thing that REALLY hit me validates MY (of course my ego needs to own this) initiative called CREATING LIFE OUT HERE. I describe it as “creating life in the in between – free from the limiting thoughts of our brain.” This exists between people, not in our own thoughts and allows us to freely create lives we love.

The access for me is sharing and saying what we don’t think we can say.

Brene talks about this for pages and pages but the quote that struck me was in a section called “Defining Love and Belonging”

“Relationship and connection happen in an indefinable space between people, a space that will never be fully known or understood by us.”

That’s what I’m talking about. (Said in a Brooklyn accent with the hand movements of a 19 year old boy).

“Love belongs with belonging. Fitting in is different than belonging. Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to CHANGE who we are; it requires us to BE who we are.”

And she talks about being vulnerable to be who you really are. And that’s what I mean by saying what can’t be said. The stuff you are afraid to let people know because they will know the REAL you.

Like when I’ve done something I’m not proud of. Or I’m afraid or hurt or need help.

My “fitting in” person is independent, doesn’t need anyone, got it under control, and FINE.

I am practicing speaking up when I need help, am nervous, and the really hard ones – when I’m disappointed or hurt, because then people will know I care.

And that’s what I’ve tried to hide my whole life. “I don’t care,” I would say. It’s fine. I didn’t want to go anyway, didn’t want it anyway, wasn’t excited about it anyway, etc. And then I would blame myself for expecting something. “Boy are you stupid, I would tell myself, for thinking it was ACTUALLY going to happen.” I would turn my disappointment inward instead of being my real self and holding people accountable for what they said. It was easy to be involved with people who didn’t treat me well because I didn’t say anything. And stay in relationships that didn’t work.

Rather than trying to be how I think I should be to fit in, I am repeating what Brene says that “Belonging doesn’t require us to CHANGE who we are; it requires us to BE who we are.”

And I feel like all my life if I tried to be able to just be upset when I was or be disappointed, I ended up defending myself and my feelings. That’s because underneath it all “I wasn’t ok the way I was.” So if someone told me “I was always upset” or “too sensitive,” it would reinforce that I shouldn’t be that way and I was never going to be ok. And I would feel worse.

But, if I’m actually ok the way I am, I can be anyway or say anything or do anything and I don’t need anyone else’s validation to be myself. It could actually be freeing.

Here’s where Eckart Tolle comes in. We have a pain body which is the ego (I think). As soon as we are free to love ourselves, the pain body is going to get REALLY loud and argue that it’s a BAD IDEA. That we should keep trying to fit in, etc.

That will be the challenge here. To ignore the little voice in the head that I am used to listening to. To tell it to be quiet. That I am worthy and fine exactly how I am.

That I can write my book and my blog and speak up. Not everyone has to agree or even like it. But it’s my expression and that is a gift from God. Who’s to argue with that, PAIN BODY?

Well, it’s going to be fun/interesting to practice this. Let’s see how it goes.

Happy Sunday!!!

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