Access To Grace

“Gratitude is your access to grace.” I heard on a Deepak Chopra meditation the other day.

Negative thoughts create negativity, disease, and aging.

Positive thoughts create happiness, healing, abundance, miracles and youthfulness.

Hmmmm. Gee, which one would I want? Not a difficult choice.

So why do I continue to give attention to my negative thoughts?

I am going to use this blog to get a little freedom. I seem to be a little stuck.

Here’s what happened:

During COVID I was doing great with my weight/virtual Weight Watchers. I was relaxed, losing weight for the first time in many years, and feeling like I finally had my weight handled. I felt great and wasn’t worried about my weight at all for the first time in a long time.

I switched from weekly weigh-in’s to getting weighed once a month after the centers opened. I was calm and didn’t have to worry about fluctuations due to bouillion or salty foods. It worked for me. I was losing slowly and feeling confident and happy.

Until a few weeks ago. I got weighed on a Tuesday.

“You are up 4.2 pounds. Were you expecting that?”

“NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. OMG. Usually I get weighed on Friday. Maybe that’s it.”

“Maybe,” the leader said.

It must have been a mistake, I thought. On Friday I went back to get weighed.

I was up another .2 pounds.

“HOLY SHIT! I’m not doing anything different. What the hell happened to me? HELP!!!!

Since that day I have been in FAT GIRL mode. I am totally focused on my weight, what I now can’t have, and feeling like a wrong, wrong wrong person.

I look at others and see their thin-ness. I am on the outs. The rest of the world has it under control. Not me.

I have been eating and drinking more since that day. I am terrified that I am going to keep gaining and that I don’t now what to do.

“Return to tracking,” I tell myself. “Be honest. You know what to do.”

But it hasn’t worked to calm me down. Or damning myself. Or making myself wrong inside.

Can I stop resisting the weight gain? Stop resisting my thoughts? Stop resisting that I NEED TO DO SOMETHING?

What’s the payoff for this RACKET? What’s the payoff for torturing myself?

I guess it’s familiar. It’s easier than wondering how to get my course to be successful. It’s easier than worrying about what will happen with my mom. It’s easier than trying to figure out this dating thing which I really dread and hate. It’s easier than putting in the effort in my sales job. It’s easier than just being with myself like nothing’s wrong and I have a great life.

It’s almost like I need a problem to solve. I need to be fixing myself.

So…….here’s my access to grace….I am grateful for my strong, shapely, healthy, healing body and my beautiful face and hair. I have wonderful blue eyes and a sparkling smile. I experience deep love and share it with others. I love my family and I am grateful for all of them.

I am grateful for my intelligence and my ability to listen, empower and stand for people’s dreams.

I am grateful for the abundance I experience every day and for the wonderful people in my life.

Thank you, God, for blessing me and my family.

Happy New Year everyone and I hope this gives you an access to grace.

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