Am I Stupid? Wrong Question

I spent the morning trying to get rid of the question “Am I Stupid?”

Here’s my trying to work out my stupidity

I didn’t realize that was the wrong question to be asking even though I spent to much time on it.

You see, I have this thing that happens when I’m disappointed which makes it 1000 times worse than what actually happened. My thinking goes like this:

Well, you’re stupid. What did you expect? It’s your fault for being so dumb. Why did you think that you would ever:

  • get treated well
  • get what you want
  • accomplish anything worthwhile
  • be ok
  • ever REALLY be loved
  • ever be happy
  • ever be able to trust yourself
  • etc.

It could go on forever. AND, it gets worse. When I get like this I think I am all alone and can’t talk to anyone because everything bad that’s happening is my fault, I’m the idiot, and who wants to listen to me complain because, as I said, IT’S ALL MY FAULT!!!! I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER!!!!!

It’s a vicious circle, trap, hell, horrible place. And I was living there all morning.

The antidote for me is to get into dialogue and distinguish what is going on. Today when I finally started talking, I realized that I am not stupid at all. The right question was “what happened?”

And the answer was that I was just disappointed. I just didn’t know it. So instead I got on my “STUPID TRAINWRECK CYCLE.” I would have stopped if I had recognized it, but I didn’t. I really thought I WAS STUPID and then became a confused, powerless, hopeless victim.

Dramatic? Yes.

True that it seemed that way? Yes.

After spending 6 miserable hours “dealing” with my stupidity, I could finally see that it wasn’t that at all.

I was just disappointed. It wasn’t even that big of a thing. Just a few expectations that weren’t met. Just like my 2 year old incident. That’s all.

Here’s what happened:

I thought I was seeing a friend and it wasn’t working out. Then we fought about it. Then people showed up in my office unexpectedly, invading my safe haven. Then, my prescription wasn’t ready after I waited over an hour for it. It all fueled how fucked up my life seemed.

I had a good cry from the frustration of it all. Thankfully I had a nice new box of tissues for the unhappy occasion. I sorted through it, and, voila, I am back.

I’m not stupid at all. I don’t have to waste any more time on that one.

I just didn’t get things the way I thought they would be. That’s really all that happened.

I can take a deep breath. I’m not alone. People do love me.

I can get get back to work.

Thanks for listening.

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