I spent the morning trying to get rid of the question “Am I Stupid?”
I didn’t realize that was the wrong question to be asking even though I spent to much time on it.
You see, I have this thing that happens when I’m disappointed which makes it 1000 times worse than what actually happened. My thinking goes like this:
Well, you’re stupid. What did you expect? It’s your fault for being so dumb. Why did you think that you would ever:
- get treated well
- get what you want
- accomplish anything worthwhile
- be ok
- ever REALLY be loved
- ever be happy
- ever be able to trust yourself
It could go on forever. AND, it gets worse. When I get like this I think I am all alone and can’t talk to anyone because everything bad that’s happening is my fault, I’m the idiot, and who wants to listen to me complain because, as I said, IT’S ALL MY FAULT!!!! I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER!!!!!
It’s a vicious circle, trap, hell, horrible place. And I was living there all morning.
The antidote for me is to get into dialogue and distinguish what is going on. Today when I finally started talking, I realized that I am not stupid at all. The right question was “what happened?”
And the answer was that I was just disappointed. I just didn’t know it. So instead I got on my “STUPID TRAINWRECK CYCLE.” I would have stopped if I had recognized it, but I didn’t. I really thought I WAS STUPID and then became a confused, powerless, hopeless victim.
True that it seemed that way? Yes.
After spending 6 miserable hours “dealing” with my stupidity, I could finally see that it wasn’t that at all.
I was just disappointed. It wasn’t even that big of a thing. Just a few expectations that weren’t met. Just like my 2 year old incident. That’s all.
Here’s what happened:
I thought I was seeing a friend and it wasn’t working out. Then we fought about it. Then people showed up in my office unexpectedly, invading my safe haven. Then, my prescription wasn’t ready after I waited over an hour for it. It all fueled how fucked up my life seemed.
I had a good cry from the frustration of it all. Thankfully I had a nice new box of tissues for the unhappy occasion. I sorted through it, and, voila, I am back.
I’m not stupid at all. I don’t have to waste any more time on that one.
I just didn’t get things the way I thought they would be. That’s really all that happened.
I can take a deep breath. I’m not alone. People do love me.
I can get get back to work.
Thanks for listening.