I recorded today’s video trying to work through feeling like I’m about to explode and wanting to numb myself.
My mother came home last night. I was “in charge” of her. She didn’t know why Manana, her caregiver, was coming today. (Manana has been with us since December and it’s now July, so it was difficult trying to explain it to her.)
“Do you think I NEED someone to watch me?” she asked me, looking like a confused little girl. “Why can’t YOU stay with me? Why do I need HER? Do you REALLY think I can’t stay home by myself?”
I didn’t know what to say. It broke my heart, but I played the coward instead of answering because I want to:
- be the good one
- not say anything to hurt her
- not tell her that she’s losing it
- not tell her that it’s not going to get better
- not wanting to face the facts that she really DOES need someone
- not want to get her upset
By staying quiet and getting my sister on the phone instead of being honest, I allowed myself to skirt the issue. I RESISTED my experience, wasn’t honest, didn’t speak up, and wasn’t willing to BE REAL. Instead, I tried to tell myself I had no right to be upset:
- why should I be upset, other people have it worse
- I’m just being a victim, get a grip and strap some balls on
- stop being a baby
- be transformed for God’s sake, GET OVER YOURSELF
- don’t be upset – there are things to do
- I’m always upset – T was right – I’m an idiot and there’s something wrong with me
- why can’t I just be happy like the rest of the world?
It felt like I couldn’t take it anymore, was going to explode, needed to run away, and wanted to numb myself.
When her caregiver FINALLY came this morning and I was able to escape, I fled to my office. On the way, Julius called.
“I FEEL TERRIBLE. I hated looking at that little sad girl’s eyes. How do I tell her?……….” I told him what happened………
“It’s got to be hard,” he said.
“It is,” I said, crying harder.
I had a few good heaving cries, but, miraculously, then I felt ok. The impending explosion was gone. I felt real. I got it out. And then, I could move on. I could focus on creating life instead of just trying to survive and be ok. It was a HUGE lesson for me to learn AGAIN.
Because I know I AM practicing SPEAKING UP. I AM practicing SAYING NO. I AM standing up for myself. And it feels good. Uncomfortable, but good.
And way better than letting people treat me badly or feeling like I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE. Speaking up is way better than THAT discomfort.
All I can say is it’s progress, folks.
Thanks for listening and have a great day.