Wow! This was intense. I was in a HUGE incident yesterday. It felt like a psychic cataclysm (if that’s the right word). I was in the midst of feeling stupid, worthless, powerless, not mattering and not being important. I didn’t know what to do.
I decided to just go with it. Not resist it. I didn’t eat or drink which was a miracle. I walked for over two hours. I experienced the pain and discomfort. I got into bed early because I couldn’t handle having to try to be pleasant. I tried meditating and reading but it took a while to get to sleep.
When I woke up this morning I knew I had to change some things. I had two REALLY hard but valuable conversations. One was with my son.
He had moved in with me on Friday. All weekend he proceeded to criticize me and tell me what was wrong with my life. Yesterday he left his dirty dishes in the sink and didn’t respond to my texts when I really needed an answer.
“FUCK YOU,” I finally told him. “How dare you? I open up my home to you, inconvenience myself, have your crap all over my home, and you act like you’re entitled and don’t respect me? FUCK YOU.”
We slugged through it for a couple of hours. He said what he had to say and I said what I needed to say.
In the midst of this, my appointments for today were blowing me off, and my social media numbers were down.
“Maybe I should just quit doing this,” I said. “Maybe it’s just STUPID!”
He started giving me advice.
“You know, you’re arrogance is annoying,” I said. (Saying what can’t be said!)
“I happen to know something about this,” he said. He told me all sorts of things I could do.
Somewhere in the midst of it, even though my arms were crossed, this is what I heard:
“You have a worthwhile message,” he said.
“What? I do? You’ve never said that and I didn’t even know you knew what I was doing,” I said, tears flowing.
“Yes. You are courageous. But nothing will happen overnight. Keep going,” he said. [He’s been reading Success Principles. I read it 15 years ago, gave him a copy, and now he is living it and quoting it. As annoying as it is right now, I’m thinking maybe I should start reading it again.]
“Seriously? I never get positive feedback and I don’t know if what I am doing is valuable.”
“It is. No one puts their real self out in public. No one lives a REAL life. It IS valuable.”
“OK,” I said and cried even harder.
“That means alot, ” I said.
And it does. I am not going to give up. Makes me remember how important encouragement is – especially in times of doubt. I need to remember that for other people as well.
ANOTHER NOTE: I transformed my “I am stupid” conversation on this video. Very powerful. I’m not rerecording it since it was so REAL. Very cool. Here it is:
Hope it makes a difference for you as well.
Thanks for listening.