I decided today that I would surrender to the universe and go with the flow.
Since then I have done the opposite:
- freak out about every little thing
- try to control things
- nothing is right
- I can’t make a decision
- I’ve recorded 7 videos and not used any of them because they all suck
- my camera didn’t work so I was on with tech support for an hour and 7 minutes
- they gave me a new partition
- all my passwords are gone
- I don’t remember them
- I’m lucky to have found the one for wordpress
- I want to scream
I am supposed to be going on a date tonight. I can’t decide if I should let him pick me up, if I should drive, if we should go a half hour away, if I want to go at all.
The thought of having fun seems foreign. How does one do that? I literally can’t remember.
I want to stay home and just be miserable with my miserable self. Why can’t I? I really don’t want to go out.
So, can I cut myself some slack?
- I don’t have to record today
- I don’t have to remember all passwords today
- I can go out locally with this guy and just relax
- I can speak up if I want to go home
I’m really afraid that he will want to stay out until 2:00 AM again. I don’t want to.
I’m afraid that he will drink more than I want to. And that I will anyway because I’m not speaking up and don’t want to be high maintenance.
I’m afraid that I will be stuck and won’t be able to speak up for myself. This guy is a little all about how wonderful he is and there are things that concern me. So why am I going?
And I have to say I don’t feel better at all after having said all this.
OK, I’m back. I called my daughter and she helped me.
“Trust yourself. If your instincts are screaming, listen to them. You don’t have to go.”
So I just texted him and said, “Hey, I have work to do. Let me know where you will be and I’ll meet you for a couple of drinks.”
I can breathe again. This way I stay in control and do what I want. Two drinks and I’m home.
He hasn’t responded and that’s ok. I don’t need to please him. I need to please myself.
I can do what I WANT. Not what I think someone else wants.
Phew. That was a close one.
OK, I’m going to try to record a video now that I’m calmer.
OK, still no response. That’s ok. If I don’t go out, I’m ok with it. At least I can breathe.
I can have what I want. I can trust my instincts. I am perfect as I am.
What I learned: “Trust myself – that’s the universe talking.” WOW!
Thank you, universe, for a valuable lesson.
And thank you, Haley. You are a gift to me.
Have a great night and thanks for listening.