Help – I’m Not Surrendering

I decided today that I would surrender to the universe and go with the flow.

Since then I have done the opposite:

  • freak out about every little thing
  • try to control things
  • nothing is right
  • I can’t make a decision
  • I’ve recorded 7 videos and not used any of them because they all suck
  • my camera didn’t work so I was on with tech support for an hour and 7 minutes
  • they gave me a new partition
  • all my passwords are gone
  • I don’t remember them
  • I’m lucky to have found the one for wordpress
  • I want to scream

I am supposed to be going on a date tonight. I can’t decide if I should let him pick me up, if I should drive, if we should go a half hour away, if I want to go at all.

The thought of having fun seems foreign. How does one do that? I literally can’t remember.

I want to stay home and just be miserable with my miserable self. Why can’t I? I really don’t want to go out.

So, can I cut myself some slack?

  • I don’t have to record today
  • I don’t have to remember all passwords today
  • I can go out locally with this guy and just relax
  • I can speak up if I want to go home

I’m really afraid that he will want to stay out until 2:00 AM again. I don’t want to.

I’m afraid that he will drink more than I want to. And that I will anyway because I’m not speaking up and don’t want to be high maintenance.

I’m afraid that I will be stuck and won’t be able to speak up for myself. This guy is a little all about how wonderful he is and there are things that concern me. So why am I going?

Good question.

And I have to say I don’t feel better at all after having said all this.

===========================================================

OK, I’m back. I called my daughter and she helped me.

“Trust yourself. If your instincts are screaming, listen to them. You don’t have to go.”

So I just texted him and said, “Hey, I have work to do. Let me know where you will be and I’ll meet you for a couple of drinks.”

I can breathe again. This way I stay in control and do what I want. Two drinks and I’m home.

He hasn’t responded and that’s ok. I don’t need to please him. I need to please myself.

I can do what I WANT. Not what I think someone else wants.

Phew. That was a close one.

OK, I’m going to try to record a video now that I’m calmer.

Crazy picture but the best of the 3 choices below it or not – at least teeth look good!

OK, still no response. That’s ok. If I don’t go out, I’m ok with it. At least I can breathe.

I can have what I want. I can trust my instincts. I am perfect as I am.

What I learned: “Trust myself – that’s the universe talking.” WOW!

Thank you, universe, for a valuable lesson.

And thank you, Haley. You are a gift to me.

Have a great night and thanks for listening.

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