Well, this was a long one. I am still wondering how I got sucked in to an A plus talker with an F in action. My past pattern still in play.
All I can do is learn from it. (If you’re not up on this saga, look at the last two days blogs and videos – I go into excruciating and painful detail).
The part that gets me is that I was “SO HAPPY.” So freaking happy when I wasn’t berating myself.
Indicators I ignored:
- knowing that I couldn’t tell anyone what I was doing because they would disapprove
- rather than hearing I’m an idiot, I’ll just keep quiet
“It’s my life,” I told myself. “If I’m happy, that’s all that I need to care about.”
I also looked at what would have me behave this way:
- I’m 60. Men aren’t interested in 60 year olds. I was thrilled to be noticed and complimented
- It was a two sided amazing attraction. How often does that happen?
- How many guys are really out there that I like at all, let alone LOVE?
- He’s changed I told myself.
- He really means it this time.
- We are meant to be together.
And do you really want to throw up?
- God gave us this attraction so that we could do great things together
OK, don’t laugh. Maybe you have done things that you are questioning now.
Maybe you have wanted unavailable men that talked a good game.
Maybe you believed someone that you shouldn’t have.
Why am I still talking about this?
Because I am sharing, saying what I definitely don’t think I should still be talking about, and not resisting my experience.
The sad part is: part of me is sad that it didn’t work. That’s the part I am allowing myself to feel. The disappointment and the infuriation and the frustration.
So I can move to the next space. And grow from my experience.
I’m not really beating myself up for this, believe it or not.
I’m just sad that it wasn’t real life. It was just a wonderful fantasy.
Back to real life – AGAIN.
It’s not so bad. It’s pretty good, in fact.
I have a lot to be grateful for.
Thanks for listening. (Hopefully tomorrow I’ll be over this and have something new to talk about)!