I am at my mom’s so not recording a video. I feel self-conscious talking here, plus, she is on the phone talking loud so it wouldn’t really work.
I am not complaining, (or am I?), I am merely stating the facts.
My mom just turned 90 and is a remarkable woman as I have said before. She still plays tennis, does pilates, plays in the symphony, and is an elected official.
And lately her memory is getting worse. And her judgement. So we have a woman who now stays with her. I am here tonight because the woman was off and is coming tomorrow. My sister was here but needed to get home tonight so asked me to stay.
In my mind I was calling it babysitting until I realized is not a complimentary term for such a vital woman.
BACK TO YESTERDAY’s TOPIC:
I keep thinking about what happened on Sunday. My phone literally stopped receiving calls for about 4 hours.
After not receiving a call at the agreed upon time from my “friend,” (I will call him Larry), I got anxious. By the next morning, having not heard from him, I was in a state.
I called Larry on Monday morning at his other job.
“What happened? Why didn’t you all?”
“I tried you 4 times. I figured you were having fun with your family.”
“I left early so I wouldn’t miss your call. I was really looking forward to talking to you.”
“Well, I tried you.”
At that time I didn’t know my phone was not working.
The weird thing was that I had called him at his other job that day when I didn’t get his call. The message literally said it was not taking calls from MY NUMBER. I called it twice with the same message. That was strange in retrospect. It’s a public number.
Some background:
Larry is not available. That’s why I couldn’t call his cell phone. He had returned to me after 4 years calling me the love of his life.
I fell for his wonderful words. I believed his promises.
Sort of. My instincts knew this wasn’t good. My instincts knew once again I was falling for a “GREAT TALKER” who’s actions did not match his words.
I hated not being able to call him, see him or talk to him freely.
But a part of me felt that we were “meant to be, soul mates, and had a special connection, ” so I told myself I could be patient, that this could work, etc.
Monday morning, however, I realized that I hated the way I was feeling. I was anxious, feeling like I was the crazy one, and not able to focus on being productive.
“I CAN’T LIVE THIS WAY,” came screaming out of my mouth. “I know you tried, but I was checking the news and seeing if there were fires and I spent the night crazy and awake because I couldn’t just call you to see if you were ok and find out what happened. It doesn’t matter that you tried. I CAN’T DO THIS.”
“OK, then that’s it. I’ll call you when I’m free and see if you’re available. I don’t want you to have to get like this.”
And that was it.
I keep thinking that the universe orchestrated all this. So I would get myself into that crazy state. I hate feeling that way. I feel out of control, desperate, pathetic, and horrible.
I know that I am healthier, more peaceful, more productive, and freer without him in my life.
It’s quite amazing.
I do miss the fantasy. But I don’t miss the anxiety. The waiting. The stress of missing his calls or being late for our meetings. I hated not being able to call. I hated that I had said I would not spend time with unavailable men. And then I did, kidding myself once again.
I know I shared about this yesterday as well, but I’ve had more time to sort it through.
“I thought I was the love of your life?” I asked him before hanging up.
“You are,” he said without hesitating.
My brain says that he should have fought for me. He should have then worked it out so it worked.
My gut says that somehow in his mind this is all fine. He doesn’t mind the wait.
And that’s the problem. It’s not fine with me.
And that’s a fact.
I am sharing, saying what I don’t think I should say, and not resisting my sadness and disappointment.
That’s the game, folks. Exploring freedom.
Thanks for listening.
Creating Life Out Here 