Trying to Think of Everything

This morning I woke up in my usual state – panicked and stressed.

What the fuck? I asked myself. The day hasn’t even started.

“I’m trying to think of everything” I realized. “Everything that could go wrong, everything I need to do,….

It’s so that I won’t have to get upset if I forget something, get something wrong, people don’t know something the way I think they should, things aren’t the way I want them to be, etc. Cause when something like that happens, I’m a goner.

I am right, victimized, I knew I couldn’t have what I wanted, I knew I couldn’t count on anybody, ………the whole 9 yards.

This party on Saturday has been kicking this mechanism into HIGH GEAR.

My son and ex have been working on this party. In my mind, I can’t have it the way I want, they’re not listening to me, they keep telling me not to suffer, la dee la dee dah…………..I’m already upset and the party hasn’t even happened yet.

Yesterday I realized something. They are trying to do something nice for me. They are working hard and trying to make me feel happy and special.

So then what is my fucking problem? Why can’t I just accept that they are doing something nice, stop trying to control things, and stop thinking it’s going to be a disaster?

Good question.

Maybe because I’ve been trying to ask for what I want. It’s new for me. And I’ve been thinking it’s not working. Wanting to be right about how I can’t.

But if I really stop and look, I think I’m wrong:

• Yesterday was a stressful day of miscommunications. My daughter was supposed to be helping me with the decorations. I trust her design and aesthetic skills WAY more than mine, and I REALLY wanted her input. At 5:00 PM, we had not connected and she was on the road to go home. I was, of course, victimized.
• I thought about it. I’m just disappointed. I don’t have to go down the tubes.
• I called her: “I was looking forward to seeing you and for you to help me make the place look good.”
• She stopped at my house on her way home and we went to the party store together. We had a ball.
• We got bright pink “60” napkins, with a black and gold accent. Pink plates, bowls, and assorted decorations, with some black and gold accent items. I love it. It cost more than I thought, but as she said, “how many times will you turn 60?” I wouldn’t have had the confidence to do it myself.
• It almost got ugly when she was in her car ready to leave. “I would rather have left earlier. I don’t like to drive the New Hampshire roads in the dark.”
• I got defensive and sarcastic. Then I stopped, realizing she was just like me. She had a preference and she was just venting. She wasn’t saying she was sorry she helped me, she was simply acknowledging how she felt about driving so late.
• I was really happy that she stayed and I told her so many times.

Then there’s the men. Busy doing their own thing. Not including me in the decisions. Just doing what THEY want to do.

My son told me that men want to think they don’t need help. So the fact that they aren’t including me is part of that. Also, they didn’t want me to HAVE to hire someone to help clean and organize. It made them think I didn’t trust them.

I kind of don’t trust them to clean, and I told my son that. Why not hire someone to do that? Why set myself up for an upset? Why not take the pressure off of them?

We talked it through. I hugged him and told him I was the luckiest mother in the whole world to have a son like him. And even my ex, who I often want to complain about, is doing a really great thing for me.

It’s hard for me to accept. But I will.

And instead of waiting to be disappointed and expecting a disaster this Saturday, I am feeling blessed to have people who are working so hard to do something nice for me. I think it’s the first time I have allowed myself to feel that way.

And it’s wonderful. Thanks for listening. Gotta go get my roots dyed so I look gorgeous for my party – SEXY SIXTY!!!!!! MY NEW MOTTO!!!!!