I am a people pleaser. If someone’s upset, I can’t stand it.
I like people to think I’m good. So if they think I’m an ass hole, I don’t like it at all.
Today I told my ex that I would take my mom to meet my nephew. My son was supposed to do it, apparently, but my ex was complaining so I offered to do it.
I was being a martyr/victim about it, realizing I was going to spend 2.5 hours driving my mom to save my nephew 45 minutes. I complained and moaned as a good victim would.
In the end, I didn’t do it. That is not my normal way. I’m usually “good” and do what I say I will do. But it was either go the wrong direction for my daughter or keep my sister happy. I chose my daughter. We went to the party store and bought the paper goods for my party. And “f—–d” over my sister’s plans.
My sister is really mad. She said some nasty things about how she can’t count on us after all she does for my son, etc. She went on for a while and I just listened.
I totally get it from her point of view. I let her down. I let my son off the hook.
I didn’t come through.
I apologized.
I find myself wanting to make excuses for myself and rationalizing my behavior. Trying to make her the bad guy. Trying to get myself off the hook.
Going over and over it in my head. Wanting to get agreement for how I wasn’t the bad one.
What if this is not a moral issue? I said I would do it and I didn’t. All the rest is a story.
But I still want to make excuses. So what can I do that’s different? Hmmmmmm.
OK. I just texted her:
“I’m sorry I let you down. It was a crazy day and I shouldn’t have said I could do it. Please forgive me. I don’t want you to think you can’t count on me. I think I’m usually pretty reliable. Thank you in advance.”
And now she is typing…………Oops she stopped………………….
I messed up. That’s one of the things I’m practicing. Being bad. Messing up. Getting people upset. Not being good. Making mistakes.
To see if I can stay steady in the face of them. And not go down a negative tunnel. Not feeling like I will die if someone’s upset with me. It’s not easy. It’s not comfortable.
I need a lot more practice.
Creating Life Out Here 