I tried writing when I was stuck in my bullshit over the past week. I didn’t like it. Just now I moved it to drafts. But this is what I will tell you:
Yesterday I was filling in for my group leader on a phone call for my seminar. I jumped in as soon as she asked for sharing. I couldn’t stand where I was at and figured I would use the call to get unstuck.
“I’m just stuck. I don’t feel safe talking. It feels dangerous. I don’t know what to do,” I said.
“Why don’t you stop indulging that same conversation? The one about danger and being unsafe?” my seminar leader, Shereen asked.
I was offended. This was real for me. How dare she suggest that?
“It’s boring. It’s the same thing over and over again. It’s never going to stop. You can just stop indulging it,” Shereen continued.
“I don’t know what you mean,” I said.
“That confusion and being stuck is more of the same conversation,” she said looking at me. We were on a zoom call so we could see each other. I felt like sticking my tongue out at her.
“I am resisting this,” I said.
“Well, you want to look at why. It’s probably more of the same thing.” She moved on to let some more people share. I could see this wasn’t a personal attack. They all had their own version of the same thing that they were “indulging.”
Why was I resisting this?
I kept looking. It just seemed that if I stopped indulging all this, my whole life would be invalidated.
But I could see that that’s only if it’s a win/lose world. If someone else is right and that means I am wrong, then I’ve got to fight for my identify to survive. I can’t allow them to be right.
But if it’s a win/win world, then they can say whatever they want. It doesn’t matter. I’m not in danger. There’s no fear of getting hurt or thinking that my story about myself is not true. My story doesn’t exist there. I can’t lose.
“You’re uncomfortable in your normal thought patterns, anyway, even though they don’t give you the life you really want to create. Why not take an action, even though it’s uncomfortable, which will make a difference for you? It’s the same feeling of discomfort either way. But one moves you forward, and one keeps you where you’re at,” Sherene added. “Just take an action that makes a difference,” she repeated. “How can it hurt?”
Why don’t I? I asked myself. Good question.
I spent yesterday in my house with a cold. I kept thinking about the call. Gradually, my stuckness disappeared. I felt freer than I had in a while. Rather than indulge my to do list like I normally would, I read books, rested and relaxed. I took care of myself. That was a new feeling.
Today, I contacted two people who I had been suffering about because they had not gotten back to me. I asked them for an update and received one from both. I felt great.
Then I called Robyn, from SoulWorks, to continue a discussion we had started and forgotten from three months ago. We had a great conversation.
Even though I’m still recovering from what is now a sinus infection, I had a
non-indulgent” day. I got going in several areas where I was stopped because I “didn’t know what to do.”
I scheduled a conversation with someone who might work on my book with me.
I’m going to meet with someone who can help me with the title and cover.
I’m partnering with Robyn in creating speaking engagements.
I worked up my breakout session for my new relationship developmental course and submitted it to my reviewer.
I scheduled a time to go over my poster for the conference for global transformation with that reviewer.
I’m writing a blog entry.
And, I finished my taxes and sent them to my accountant. That’s amazing.
And I’m no longer feeling stuck. That might be the name of my book, “Getting Unstuck.” Or, not. Who knows? The good thing is I’m not worrying about it. I’m trusting the process and the universe.
And that is all very new. And I’m happy to be back in action.
Have a great night.