Core Dump

Last night I couldn’t sleep. I was really upset. All I wanted to do was cancel everything I was supposed to do and run away.

I had tried to get into communication with a couple of people yesterday to see if I could get unjammed, but my attempts just made it worse.

I was done. No where to go. No safe place. I shouldn’t be this way and no one could handle me were in full force AND SEEMED REAL.

I saw Virginia on my caller ID this morning.

“Thank God,” I said. “Can you just listen? I’m a mess.” The tears started flowing just hearing her voice. I sniffled.

“Sure,” she said.

I talked. I cried. I was a jumbled up mess until I got to a comment one of my coworkers made. Then the floodgates opened as I tried to get out her words.

“I know you have YOUR numbers to hit,” she said. “But I don’t care. I just don’t. I’m sorry. I DON’T CARE!”

Her tone was like a stab in the heart. I was stunned. I didn’t speak at the time.

But, today, I felt a release as the damn of emotions finally broke. I have helped this woman, paid her a great deal for just doing her job, listened to her complain for hours, and thought we were working as partners. Her comment hurt. And I didn’t say anything.

Virginia was great. She just listened. I kept going.

“And I have two weeks to hit my numbers at work and if I don’t, it will cost me $20,000 at the end of the year. And it feels like a lot of pressure, because having an extra $20,000 is really nice. It gives me lot of options.”

I’m stopping to think as I write. Maybe I can generate $20,000 another way. Maybe I’m not supposed to do it this way. Yesterday I had a meeting about a new way to generate income. Maybe I don’t need to feel like I’m stuck and this job is the only way.

Letting out what was going on to Virginia was really freeing. I just got to be my upset, nose blowing, self.

Then I got to talk to Joyce. She also just listened. When I was done, she told me what she does when she’s jammed up (my words, not hers). She takes out her journal and just writes for 30 minutes. When she’s done, she sorts out the doing stuff and decides what she will actually do in the next few days. She puts the rest aside.

“Anything else?”she asked.

“I’m tired of my job,” I said.

“Well, usually people are tired when they are resisting something,” she said “You’re not ACTUALLY tired, you’re tired in your head thinking about it.”

OK, good to know. I got on the phones and set up my new person to do what she needs to do without me. I need to train her to “do the numbers.” That doesn’t mean I have to do all of it with her. Very freeing.

I’m back in communication and sorting through the “guck” so I can get to freedom again. I have taken on listening from “compassion” today. Mostly for myself. I will do the Joyce thing tomorrow when I have some time and I feel better getting back on my blog.

It also helps me sort thing out.

Thanks for listening as always. Have a great day!!!