A friend of mine asked me if I was dating last week.
“NO,” I practically screamed. “Not at all.”
She lifted her eyebrows as if to say, “well you should be. What is wrong with you?”
Or at least that’s what I think she meant. And why aren’t I? I often wonder.
Today at the gym (where all my excitement happens), my friend Claudia asked me about our mutual friend who I will call Charlie. He was sitting right next to her on the spinning bike.
“He has a girlfriend,” I said.
“Not really,” Claudia said. “Well, he’s free now but we don’t know if it’s permanent…….” and she jabbered on.
“Don’t you like us talking about you as if you’re not here,” I said to Charlie.
“That’s why I put my head down,” he said.
Without asking if he was actually available, I walked away to go to my rowing machine. It was a long routine and I was distracted.
Why didn’t I date? Would I want to date Charlie? (He might not even be available).
What if I don’t like him? (I don’t even know him).
What if the cute guy asks me out? (He obviously isn’t going to).
What if I have a date with Charlie, meet someone else I like better, and Claudia hates me for taking advantage of Charlie? (Aren’t I jumping the gun just a little?)
We don’t even like the same things. (I really don’t now what he likes.)
And on and on. My brain went crazy.
Can I trust my instincts and run or can I not trust my instincts because it’s just my brain making shit up?
I really don’t know. I need to lie down. I’m falling asleep………………..
OK I’m back. I had to lie down on the couch. My heart was racing. I fell asleep after taking quite a few deep breaths to calm down.
I had felt like I was actually being threatened by something. Interesting…………..
This blog is called Creating Life Out Here. Not, have a nervous breakdown by thinking.
Let’s look at the actual facts:
- I don’t know if Charlie is even available.
- He didn’t ask me out so I don’t really have to worry about whether I want to go or not.
- If he did, he’s not proposing to lock me up in a dinghy castle and throw away the key (which is the way it felt – I was going to be trapped into something and I couldn’t get out without the world falling apart).
- Whatever I think I know about this guy is horseshit. I don’t know much and I’m jumping to conclusions based on gossip from Claudia or what my negative brain is making up.
- IF he did ask me out, it would be for an hour or two, not the rest of my life.
- And, he hasn’t and may still be with his girlfriend.
- Nothing is actually happening right now.
So what can I do to unlock myself from the prison in my mind?
- There are a few cute guys around. I can just start saying hi. They might be married or available. I can just start being friendlier. I won’t die. If there is someone who clicks with me, I can worry about it then.
- I can still breathe. In and out. In and out.
JEEZ LOUISE – that was painful. What the heck is wrong with me? Why am I so freaked out?
Well, I’ll give you the reason if you want one – my last guy, S for Sociopath, felt SO PERFECT. I didn’t worry for one bit. IT FELT SO RIGHT THAT THERE WAS NO DOUBT!!!
And he was a SOCIOPATH. And one day I found out that he had lied. He wasn’t actually divorced and his wife was pissed. He needed to keep her happy so Asta La Vista, baby. Done. Finished. Get lost.
How do I trust myself ever again? How do I know I’m not trusting the wrong person? How do I let my guard down again without thinking the shoe will drop any second?
I guess I don’t know. I guess all I can do is try. And be willing to make mistakes and pick wrong people and just live again. And stop being a victim about something that is IN THE PAST.
I can get out of my little safe cottage and play. Talk to people. Do what I love to do. Trust the universe. Let go. Relax. Breathe.
The tears are in my eyes right now. I’m seeing how tight I hold myself, protecting myself from the next sociopath or womanizer (see last blog – hit on at gym).
I’m breathing. My shoulders are starting to loosen. I’m closing my eyes and asking God to help me be open again. Putting it in God’s hands. I can relax and trust the universe to take care of me instead of trying to control my universe by being so fucking tense that my body is always in pain.
I hear some people on the deck next store. I’m going to go out and say hi.
But first I need a few more deep breaths………………………………………………maybe a little later…….
I will go out in a few more minutes…………………………………wish me luck.