Sharing is the Pathway to Freedom

I picked up a couple of friends from the ferry today. I was looking forward to seeing them.

“I need to tell you about my mother,” Lisa said as she went into the back room to put on her bathing suit.

“Ok,” I said. “I’m all ears.” Lisa had listened to me through a painful relationship a few years ago, and I was happy to return the favor.

We situated ourselves outside on my deck. The sun was shining and the breeze was wonderful. It wasn’t too hot. It was the perfect temperature.

“My mother is driving me crazy. She calls me all the time,” she began.

Lisa poured her heart out. Her father died a few years ago and her mother is now alone. She resents her father for spoiling her mother, her mother for being helpless, and her siblings for being obnoxious and leaving the burden on her.

“I’m sorry for dumping my drama on you,” she said at one point.

“You’re not,” Valerie and I both said. “Keep going.”

And she went on. And on and on. She cried. And she ended up saying she felt like a terrible person for feeling this way.

“It’s completely understandable,” Valerie and I both said.

“The big questions,” I said. “Can you forgive your mother? And can you forgive yourself?”

She did. And by the end she felt better, even though the situation is still the same.

Because she got to get it out. And be heard without judgement.

And she felt free. And all we had to do was listen.

And I learned that listening that way is like a vacation. I don’t have to fix anything or say anything. I can just get it. I can relax.

And, the other person feels better having gotten out what’s bothering then, and then has room to create something new.

Lisa obviously loves her family, but when all she could feel was resentment and anger, it was hard to show it.

Not that she’s “purged,” she can be free to enjoy them again.

We went on to have a great day on the deck, and Lisa went home way happier then when she came.

And I say, “Sharing is the pathway to freedom.”

Can’t Believe this is Fun

My book has finally come back from my editor. I finished writing the first draft in December, 2012. It is now August, 2018. I’ve been rewriting it for almost six years. And that seems like a freaking long time.

And now what? I have been tormented over what to do next for a long time. I’ve never published a book before. How does one start? Somebody please save me……..

That’s right, I remembered, I am Creating Life Out Here. That means that instead of staying in my paralyzed mind, I needed to start talking to people.

So I did. And I learned that there are many ways to publish a book. Everyone has a different opinion and different advice. I got completely overwhelmed and I froze.

And then I decided I didn’t want this to be hard. I want my book to get published with ease. I want to be “in the flow.” I wanted fun instead of struggle.

I called my friend, Deb. She works in publishing. She told me she is willing to forward my book to her memoir counterpart.

“Just follow the submission guidelines,” she said.

Yesterday I looked at them. Holy Shit, I thought. I have to compare my book to 3 best selling memoirs and tell them why mine is better (I’m paraphrasing). That sounds like a lot of work. How the hell do I find them, and how long will it take me to read them? OMG

But then I started getting excited. I really have to sell my book to these people. I have to research books in a new way. Learn something completely out of my frame of reference. Expand my mind.

I remembered my first few writing classes that I took in 2013. It felt like I was learning a new language – scene vs summary, back-stories, dialogue, etc. I never knew about any of that. I was fascinated by what I didn’t know. It was fun to rewrite my chapters using my new techniques.

And now I have something new to learn and apply – how publishers think and how to sell my book. I’m surprised that I am looking forward to this. Who knew?

So back to work. I’ll keep you posted.

I Took The Shot

Only a week ago, my son played a podcast for me. It was Tim Ferriss interviewing Jamie Foxx. It was fascinating. I had never heard of a podcast before. And I loved it.

“How do I hear more?” I asked my son, Jesse. “This is really amazing.”

He tapped some buttons and many more podcasts showed up. I clicked on another interview. I couldn’t stop. Once I figured out how to get it back going when I had stopped it, I was good to go.

Since then, (I can’t believe it’s only been a week), I have been listening to podcasts whenever I’m in my car. I am fascinated by people’s stories, their insights, and what they have accomplished. I still don’t know understand how the podcasts keep playing even when there’s no wife, but I’ve given up trying to understand. Who cares how? As long as it plays……

One story in particular keeps repeating in my brain. It was by an athlete who was feeling ashamed for missing a crucial shot in a championship game. His team, father and coach blamed him for losing. He felt terrible and was sitting in his room, alone and ashamed. All of a sudden, a little voice said to him, “you took the shot.” That’s right, he thought. I took the shot. I didn’t have to, but I went for it. So what if I missed? And his whole perspective on life shifted.

And mine did too. That story has become my theme whenever I’m thinking of NOT doing something for fear of looking stupid, not getting it right, or getting rejected.

At work when I don’t want to make a phone call to a prospect or client, I “take the shot.” Who cares what they say? It’s about going beyond what I want to do and staying in action.

One of the podcasts was an interview with Arianna Huffington. I was blown away by her honesty, courage, and willingness to do what others weren’t. At the end of the podcast, she gave out her email, against the advice of Tim Ferriss.

I pulled off the road and typed it into my phone, knowing I wouldn’t remember it.

“Do I dare contact her?” I asked myself. The question kept repeating in my head.

I was going out to California for a program where I was leading an inquiry on “Saying What Can’t Be Said.” Perfect, I thought. I started telling people that I was going to send Arianna an email by the end of the weekend. They were encouraging. In the past, I would never have even told anyone I was thinking about doing it, let alone actually sending it.

Sunday I sat down with a beer before my flight and typed out an email. Before I could chicken out, I pressed SEND.

I felt exhilarated. Even though I was sure she wouldn’t answer. Even though a fellow course participant told me that Jimmy Carter didn’t even look at him when he signed his book at a book signing 40 or so years ago in an effort to keep my expectations low. Even though my self-protecting brain told me not to get my hopes up.

I took the shot and I felt great having done it.

That was Sunday. Last night was Wednesday night. I checked my emails on the way into my seminar. Tears filled my eyes as I saw an email from Arianna Huffington. I blinked several times, trying to see what she wrote:

‘Many thanks for your email dear Hilary. I would love for you to write for Thrive Global and share your story. To get started, please take a look at our guidelines and start contributing. All the best, Arianna’

I couldn’t believe it. I was in shock. I shared it with my friends. They were inspired.

And then I started worrying about what this meant, could I do it, did she really mean it, etc. And I couldn’t sleep last night.

But in the light of day, I decided to ignore my thoughts. Take another shot. What can I lose?

So I created a profile on her site. I created this new blog. I’ve already written two entries. And, before I go to sleep, I am going to write a story for Arianna’s web site, even though I don’t know how. Why not?

And for the first time in a long time, I’m excited about life. I am creating what I’ve wanted to do for a long time, but didn’t have the guts.

And now I know, I just take need to keep taking the shots. Even if I miss, the excitement is in the taking of it.

Thanks for listening.

Creating Life Out Here

Thanks for joining me!

My prior blog was called, Tired of Feeling Bad. It served a purpose for me, but now seems a little negative. I will still blog on there when I am stuck or just need to vent, but this new blog is more about Creating, then Venting.

I am SO excited about this new leg of my life’s journey. I am now ready to shed the self-imposed victimous (is that a word?) shackles and start living OUT HERE.

What does that mean? Good question. I will attempt to explain.

I was in an inquiry session over the weekend called “One Step Beyond.” We looked at what it would take to step beyond where we get stuck.

I could see that what stops me from doing and saying what I want is fear.

fear of people thinking I’m crazy
fear of being disappointed
fear of feeling stupid
fear of being criticized

That was literally all that stops me. These fear based thought.

I realized that none of them would actually kill me. They couldn’t even physically hurt me. I was living in a little limiting box of life trying not to get anyone upset or mad at me.

Well, first of all it didn’t work. They still did.

Second of all, I had no vitality or excitement and couldn’t understand why I wasn’t doing anything great or fun with my life. I was merely trying to survive.

I created an intention to Live Out Here (picture me pointing to a place in between two people) in the Present Moment instead of in my limiting thoughts. Instead of talking myself out of things.

And taking new steps even though my brain was telling me not to, that I was crazy.

I could see that my brain was just trying to protect me from getting disappointed like I did when I was two (see my old blog for the driveway incident – it’s mentioned quite a bit).

And I’m not a little girl anymore. I can handle disappointment. And, so what if people think I’m crazy. It’s a good crazy.

I will be describing my adventures of living out here as I live them. I’m so glad you could join me. Stay tuned and Take a Step Beyond!!!!