All of A Sudden I’m Unworthy?

I’ve been “dating.” I’ve had 11 dates since I signed up on all these dating apps around 8 months ago. I started seeing people in person when COVID started easing up during the winter.

I didn’t need a second date with any of them.

Not my type, no chemistry, living with their kids, stone cold broke, struggling financially, hung up on the girlfriend that just broke up with them, still married, etc.

No one that was going to add to my life and I certainly don’t need another project. Here’s the thing. I used to think I “needed” to have a guy to be ok. It made me sort of desperate – I held onto the wrong people, got upset when a date was bad, and panicked when thinking how to go about meeting the “right” guy.

I’ve been doing a lot of work to create a new context for relationships.

“You need to fall in love with YOURSELF“, one of my teachers told me.

Hmmmm. How do I do that? I’ve heard that I need to love myself but, REALLY? How could I love myself when inside I thought I was disgusting, dumb and powerless and couldn’t have what I wanted? That was my undistinguished context for my life. It just didn’t seem possible. Why would I love that person?

Well, now, I have a new context for my life: Being A Fun, Bold Stand. When I recognize that I’m being the old context: “disgusting, dumb, powerless, victimized and miserable”, I can simply recognize it and return to being a Fun, Bold Stand.

Let’s try this on the court.

I found Ed on Bumble. He is absolutely gorgeous and an ex-professional athlete. In his profile he wants to travel, dance and go on adventures.

I selected him and said, “let’s travel.”

“Where would you want to go?” he asked.

“To a 5 star resort on an island.” I texted boldly.

“Great, I’ll book you for the spa day and massage.” he answered.

I couldn’t believe it. A guy who knows what I want? A guy who is attuned to what women want? I responded that I’m in and he is a real find.

He said he wanted to come to Westport and please invite him. I did. He wants to come Friday.

Holy Shit. My brain is now going crazy with the following. I might as well get my negativity out of my head so I can return to being present:

  • he’s too gorgeous – I am not perfect like him
  • he must just want sex – when he finds out I live with my mother for another month he may get violent and kill me
  • my last date couldn’t be bothered to talk to me – what if this guy is rude as well?
  • what will I wear?
  • how could he be interested in me? He is perfect
  • what if he talks like he’s from _____________________. He’s wasting a long trip.
  • I feel sick – I better cancel – I am not worthy – it’s easier to hang out with my mother than to “be bold”
  • what if I fall madly in love and he can’t stand me?
  • what if he’s just full of shit, sucks me in and spits me out
  • what if all men really do lie? what if I attract another liar? why torture myself?

OK, that was fun. Those thoughts have been under the surface. I can just keep letting them surface and blow them away.

Here’s a new direction:

  • what if he’s really great?
  • what if we really hit it off and travel together and have a great life?
  • what if he is really fun?
  • what if something does happen?

Can I trust the universe to deliver someone great? Do I trust that I can REALLY create the life and relationship I’ve always dreamed of?

Why not? Why hold onto the negative, fear based, ego based scarcity and hopelessness?

Good question. I guess it feels safer than exposing myself.

The thing is that I really have nothing to lose. If I’m disappointed, it’s ok. I’ve survived that before. And, if I have a great time, this guy gets who I am FOR REAL, and he’s for real as well, could I actually handle being happy? Not sure, but I can certainly practice it.

This was helpful for me to get this out. I am at a client and waiting for the next person to come in so this was a really great use of my time. I’m getting excited to meet Ed, AND, I’m still nervous. But now it’s a good nervous instead of terrified for my life.

Thanks for listening and have a great week.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s