What Happened To My Happiness?

Yesterday I was FIRED UP!! Everything was wonderful. I had guys texting me, I was present to the magnificence of all people, money in the bank, calls to look forward to, all was well with the world.

“I’ve never seen you so happy,” people texted.

“Wow, you have really transformed,” others said.

“Look at that smile,” someone else said.

The world was glorious and I was Queen.

I think I thought I was finally fixed. I was never going to be disempowered again. Never going to have another “down” second. What a fucking fabulous life to live!! (Picture Tarzan beating my womanly chest and making his call – AAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA)

And today started out well. I led a great call at 9:00 AM. People got a new life out of one of the woman’s shares.

I meditated. I sat still for 10 minutes. I made my calls. I got in my car to go up to have my body worked on, a technique called “rolfing.” Things were still great.

I had a call at 1:45 with a guy that I thought would go differently. I was disappointed.

Then, when I got to my rolfer, she asked me if I was vaccinated.

“No, I had a homeopathic remedy. My Dr. said that was fine,” I said confidently.

“Get vaccinated,” she said. “Just do it. Homeopathic? Never heard of it.” She speaks very confidently like she knows everything. The whole session I was distracted.

“Is she right? Should I give up trusting my instincts and just make life easier and get the damn vaccine? Why doesn’t anyone believe in homeopathy? Why are the drug companies dictating how we should live?”

What about the people who say it’s bad for you? That it will cause problems later?

Or the people who have bad reactions? I was SO CONFUSED. What should I do? Somebody HELP ME!!!!

I went on the web site when I got home to try to schedule an appointment but I couldn’t figure it out so I didn’t do it. I moved on.

I checked my phone. My “happy causing” guys didn’t text me.

All of a sudden life sucked again. No more Happy Hilary. Pathetic Patty was BACK.

Here’s where I went:

I can’t keep everyone happy.

I’ll be alone forever.

I think one of the guys is a scammer. How will I know? I can’t tell. Someone needs to help me. I can’t trust my own instincts. HELP!!!!!!!

Then I had my live call tonight for my course.

Only 7 out of 24 people showed up. I’m obviously a loser. My own daughter got the time wrong and missed it. That is fucking pathetic.

This will never work. I’m stupid for trying. And on and on and on…………………..

So here’s what I know:

When things don’t happen the way I want them to or when I think they should, I go south.

Today they did. And I had an hour or so of fuckedness.

The difference today is that I allowed it. I wrote what I was experiencing. I didn’t make it wrong. I watched it.

Do I need a guy to feel better about myself? I’d like to say no, but I can see that when the possible scammer texted me tonight, I was happy again. For 5 minutes.

I guess what’s new is that I am allowing myself to have my funks.

(Confession: OK, so I am numbing myself a little with red wine and mixed nuts. I am tracking them so I am NOT out of control. Just enjoying the salt, crunch and alcohol. I actually put some of the nuts back so it was less points.)

Here’s what I forgot today. I am whole and complete. I don’t need someone to call me or text me to have me be ok. I am a child of God. Who am I not to be gorgeous, fabulous, wonderful, etc. (it’s a quote from Marianne Williamson in case you were wondering…..I heard it on my Oprah/Deepak meditation yesterday).

I just forgot and thought I needed some external validation for a few hours. Oopsie.

(Just dropped a nut in my wine!)

So here’s my new take:

My course is really great. Those who are ready will show up. The ones that do get their life out of it. They realize they are not alone. That they are not the only ones struggling. Three are from my work. They are purging the negative and we will then create a plan that empowers them. There will be HOPE AGAIN.

One just retired and is figuring out her life. Another two are struggling with child issues.

They are ALL getting unstuck.

As for me, I am not giving up on my dream of having a great relationship and having a show. I am putting out my intention and being aware of what gets in my way. I am tearing apart the vines that block my path. (Don’t you love that, it fits in with the Tarzan theme). I am getting faster at it and not staying stuck as long.

This stuff works. And it is my purpose in life. It is really fun to explore and discover new ways to get free.

Thanks for listening.

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