Pretending doesn’t work for me anymore.
Pretending I’m fine, happy, or excited, and I’m sure there’s more but I’m blanking right now.
Lately I’ve just been saying what’s so. Here’s an example:
There’s a woman I’ve been making wrong for months. I really thought she WAS wrong by how she was leading our calls. Everything she did annoyed me. I couldn’t stand it and it was just the way it was.
This week a monthly reminder came up on my phone: “Remind Sarah about song.” A lightbulb went off.
That was it. Two years ago Sarah told me she wrote songs. I told her I write poems. She said that if I wrote a poem she would would put it to music. I was really excited. I wrote the poem that weekend and sent it to her. At first she responded and was working on it, but since then, when I’d ask her about it she would kind of avoid the topic. It was a real letdown for me. The notice on my phone reignited my disappointment, resentment and annoyance.
Last night I called her.
“Something’s been wrong between us and it wasn’t until I saw my monthly song reminder that I figured out why. I’ve been making you wrong for not writing my song and not being in communication about it.”
“I’m so glad you brought this up. I just can’t get with that poem and I didn’t know how to tell you. It wasn’t working for me,” she said.
“Well, that’s fine,” I said. “I don’t really like the poem anymore anyway. That was SO two years ago. I’ve moved on since then. I wish you had just told me though.”
“I just didn’t know how. I’m sorry. I was awkward about it. But maybe we could create something new instead and have fun doing it, ” she said.
“That would be great.”
And with that, the affinity returned. The love returned. I had been avoiding her and today I sent her an email thanking her and telling her I love her. Amazing.
I said what was so and didn’t pretend that I was happy, fine or excited. It was so freeing.
Before I wouldn’t have thought it was a nice thing to do. Or appropriate. Or sensitive. Or thought maybe she wouldn’t like me……….
Now I say “saying what’s so” is BEING REAL. And being real is freeing. Instead of feeling resentful, separate, and miserable, by saying what’s there, I can return to belonging, community, fun and even laughter.
It’s such a small thing, but it creates a huge wonderful world.
Thanks for listening.