I am attempting to just BE how I am.
And the word to describe it is Miserality. It’s not just miserable, it’s just an overall sense of “this should not be, I shouldn’t be this way, and only someone who is just WRONG would be feeling this way.”
And how is this way, you ask?
- I have a procedure in 1.5 hours. I am scared. I am going to have to drink 32 oz of water and not pee while they put something up right in the place where all that pressure will be. I am not excited about it and I am pretty terrified about what they will find. Instead of trying to have positive fucking thinking, I am trying to just allow my fear. It’s really not working. Maybe I just need a good cry. I will work on that when I’m finished writing.
- Today I was doing yoga of all things and all of a sudden my back was fucked up. It is literally in agony. I am not going to take motrin because the last time I did I got a serious outpouring of blood from my nose and it wouldn’t stop. I am voting for pain instead of a serious nose bleed, but I don’t really LIKE IT.
- I’m supposed to be making calls for work. I am too distracted and I can’t freaking remember any of the last correspondences I had with my clients. I’m kind of embarrassed to contact them again and admit it. Resistance makes the heart grow fonder? Oh know, that’s absence. Well, I certainly have that since I’m not reaching out.
- I just changed my bra thinking that it may lessen the strain on my back. The other one was a criss cross one so it was PULLING on my neck. This one is one of those not very supportive ones with weird cups in it. The cups are not in the right place so not only are the boobs too low, but they look very odd. At this point I don’t really care.
Well, I think that’s actually it. I am sitting in my office looking out the window at the traffic. I don’t know if they can see me in here so if I adjust my bra cups, I wonder if they will notice. It would actually be fun if someone beeped. It might make my day.
Well, that’s it for now. I guess I can see it’s only a few things instead of all of life in general that just feels “like poop on a stick” as my kids used to say. And that’s how I feel right now.
I’m going to allow it, not resist it, and start drinking my water soon.
Thanks for listening and wish me luck.
PS I just took the cups out. Better to just be saggy then saggy and deformed looking, I think.
PPS No one honked. Bummer.