I remember that I took this on once before. Then I forgot about it.
Here’s what happened yesterday:
I needed to change an appointment. The woman was kind of bitchy about it.
I responded, but didn’t address her tone.
She has used snarkiness before with me, and, I hate it. But, as I distinguished yesterday, I didn’t speak up because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.
On my video, I talk more about the incident and was practicing things I could say.
None of them seemed that great, but at least I am trying. I will keep looking.
What I saw was the cost to me of not speaking up. Where I go is:
- did I do something wrong?
- what’s the matter with me?
- should I not have rescheduled?
- is she mad?
- what did I do wrong?
When I look now I can see that there were other comments that got into my craw.
My mother said something.
A guy on another call asked me to pull over when I was listening to zoom on the phone.
I didn’t speak up to any of them.
No biggie, right?
Except that I woke up at 3:00 AM making myself wrong and feeling stupid. I didn’t fall back to sleep until 5:00 AM when I put on a Headspace video. It teaches one to quiet the “argument in your head.” I got another hour of sleep until the alarm went off at 6:00 AM.
That’s the cost. That I think it’s my fault. My confidence goes. I become a victim who is wrong. I spend my time dealing with myself instead of having fun investigating, exploring and discovering new ways to create freedom.
It’s good to notice. All I can do is get better and try new ways to speak up.
Stay tuned. Some of them may not work!!!
Thanks for listening.