Since I recorded that, I realized I missed leading a call that I had been scheduled to lead a couple of months ago. I had been looking forward to leading it and kept waiting for April 8th to come.
I was talking to one of my AFLAC agents during that time.
I saw a text from someone saying that she missed the noon call.
“OH SHIT,” I said. Panic ensued in my mind.
I texted my coleader and she said she was fine. No need to get on.
I called our consultant in charge and told her what happened. She went through the remaining calendar dates with me so it doesn’t happen again. I marked them down and put in reminders.
I can see I am having a hard time letting go that I made a mistake. I want to tell people so they can tell me it’s ok. I want to keep talking about it.
To prove I’m an idiot. To prove that I’m just a stupid loser who can’t be counted on to make good decisions.
Do I want to be right than I’m an idiot?
Do I want to be right that I am stupid?
Let me think about that.
The TRUTH IS: I was distracted by my outdoor social distancing visit from my friend who’s boss tested positive for Corona. I’m not totally present. Will we ever be able to visit normally again? Will this ever end? Is this the way life will be forever?
I guess I just miss being able to see this person. Rather than being with the unknown future and the discomfort of it all – will he get Corona? will I get corona? How bad will it be? Will my mom be ok? Will mom children be ok? Will money be ok? Will it ever get normal?
I was resisting missing life as we knew it. I miss my friends. I miss my family. We don’t know when this will end or who will get sick. Who will be ok. Who will not. It’s uncomfortable.
Calling myself an idiot is familiar and known and easier. But I don’t have to do it. I can just be with I miss these people. It doesn’t make me stupid or wrong. And I can be sad. For a few minutes. And then I will be fine.
I’m really getting my mechanism. Instead of just feeling my feelings, I am making myself wrong for caring or thinking it will ever be different or believing that I could be happy. Easier to just call myself stupid than allow myself to stop resisting my experience.
I can still have faith, be present, and believe all is well. And this is the way life looks right now. And that I do have the right to be happy and live a life I love.
And it’s ok to be sad when I’m sad. Or mad. Or frustrated or scared.
And then return to being present.
I think I will go for a walk and listen to some uplifting music.
Thanks for listening.