Not in the Mood

I’m not in the mood to do a video.

So I’m not.

I’m disturbed by something……..I know, not new, is it? I seem to always be disturbed.

Well,………………..I’m just going to accept that part of me, ok?

OK. then.

Today’s disturbance:

I was feeling very resigned today. So I called my seminar leader. Our homework for this week is to notice empty and meaningless in an area of our lives where we don’t experience freedom.

That was easy – relationships, especially men. Lots of meaning and body sensations with that one.

After yesterday, I was just……how do you call it?

FUCKED UP!!!

I don’t know how much you know from yesterday:

• I went to meet a guy who said he’d be in New Haven at 2:00 at a restaurant
• He wasn’t there.
• I drove a half hour there and back in the pouring rain for nothing, nada………..
• And I was MAD!!!
• On the way home, I noticed a message from the guy who disappeared after supposedly meeting – he left and that was the last I heard of him
• “Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family”
• Are you kidding me?
• As if nothing had happened
• I felt like I was insane. Maybe I’m the crazy one? IS IT ME?

NOTE: the one that wasn’t there apologized. I had thanked him for wasting my time.

He was very sorry. He didn’t show because it wasn’t “confirmed.”

“Well, why did you say you would be there? I thought you were going anyway!!!!!! I was disturbed and disappointed.” I told him.

He said that this time he will drive all the way down to see me. It’s supposed to be tomorrow. We will see. I’m not going unless “he confirms.” I am willing to go the 100 yards.

The other one I am ignoring.

But anyway, my seminar leader, I will call him Amos, started asking me questions when we finally connected on the phone.

“Do you know what kind of person you are looking for?”

“Yes.” I described him.

“Do you think you can actually find him and have a relationship?”

I thought about it. “I’d like to, but NO, not really.”

I listed the reasons why. No need to go down that tunnel here.

What we determined was that I am defensive. They will just fuck me over so I’ll get rid of them first. Easier that way. No disappointment or pain. Adios, sucker!!!!

I am defensive, ok? And I can tell you why I am. I AM JUSTIFIED!

But that’s not our homework. Justifying is not it.

My homework is to own it, notice it, be with it, and possibly, create a new way of being.

We will see. I don’t like this.

I really don’t want to get vulnerable and hurt again. Who would?

Shouldn’t I protect myself? Shouldn’t I guard against pain, disappointment and hurt?

OK – don’t answer that.

If I want to stay safe and alone it’s a great way to be. No one can hurt me if I stay home – ALONE!

But is that what I really want? NO, NOT REALLY!!

And I hate that.

I don’t know where I’m going with this.

I think I need a nap.

……………………………………………………………………………..

OK, I shouldn’t even press publish on this one. I hate this whole thing. I don’t want to be vulnerable. I have a stomach ache just thinking about it.

I will sleep on it.

Thanks and goodnight.

——————————————————

OK – LATER – I am modifying this –

What can I create instead of something is wrong and I am fucked?

Let’s see: Life is an adventure. This is the way it looks when life is working.

Freedom and peace. Focusing on what I like.

I am perfect the way I am.

————————————————————

---

For starters. Thanks for listening AGAIN.