More Miracles

I am at my hairdressers having my color done.

No, there will not be a video or a picture right now. She not only dyes my hair, but my eyebrows as well. I look like a cross between Phyllis Diller and Groucho Marx. Not an attractive look.

I feel like I can breathe again. My daughter called me this morning and we talked over everything. We completed her not doing my book cover AND, she shared about this new man that I was very concerned about. I have a different appreciation of how she feels, and I am no longer in a MASSIVE UPSET.

Tomorrow is her fundraising concert. I am going to go there with “beginner’s mind.” That means I suspend all arrogance, judgments, knowing, criticism and anything I already know. She wants me to be present and proud of what she has done.

I am going to bring tissues. She says I will be moved to tears.

I will meet her new man with an open heart and mind. (Don’t I sound mature?)

On another note: I am still emotional about the apology I got yesterday from my old flame. All my resentment, crazy storymaking negativity about his life, and blame for myself has disappeared. It’s unbelievable. When he admitted that he lied, was a coward, and played with my heart, I somehow forgave him. Plus, I asked him questions about what I had made up in my mind, and I was not correct. I asked him about certain things I was pretty sure he lied about, and he admitted that he did.

Somehow knowing the truth was freeing. I can let go of the disempowering interpretation that I had made up. It is good.

The best part: He still loves me and still thinks I am sexy. We had a connection and an energy that is still there. I don’t know if we will ever get together again, but knowing all of that makes me feel wonderful.

Here’s why: After 20 years of not being desired by my husband during my marriage, being called sexy is a great gift to me. I had felt very unattractive, unsexy, and horrible for a long time. It’s nice to know that I am still attractive to somebody at 60 years old. I am grateful to have heard those words.

It is also nice to know that he still loves me. After all, my conversation about myself is that I am lovable. That if someone REALLY knows me, they can’t love me. This man knew me. I thought I was rejected because of that – I was, in fact, truly unlovable. It’s nice to have proved my thoughts wrong, regardless of how our relationship ended.

And about us getting together, I keep thinking whether it would actually work. I don’t know.

But here’s the thing. It doesn’t matter. It’s not my problem. It’s not a possibility right now so why spend energy on it. (I have to keep reminding myself when the fantasy starts up every few minutes! And think about something else.)

And my date last night? Well, it was a fast one. He was very nice but not my type at all. When he asked if I wanted a second drink I said no thank you and stood up. We then walked out. When he asked if we would see each other again, I said, well, we’ll see.

He said, “OK, you know how to reach me.”

And that was that. He doesn’t have my number or last name and that is great. I didn’t waste more time being polite. The night before I had a few drinks and dinner. I spent an hour trying to figure out how to leave. From now on, it’s one drink and vamoose.

I’ve learned not to give these guys my number. I think it’s a really good strategy.

If I find someone I like, that’s a totally different story.

Tomorrow I leave for Maine and New Hampshire. It should be a great weekend.

More later. Thanks for listening.