I’ve started about five blogs this week but never finished or posted them….
I’ve been feeling crazy, overwhelmed, anxious, not present…..and frustrated, annoyed, and irritated with myself for feeling that way. And the pressure in my head was unbearable.
My son was trying to help me “not suffer.”
My ex was trying to “give me some relief.”
I was looking for reasons “why I was this way in the hopes of figuring out how I could NOT be this way.”
When I was on the phone with my mom, I REALLY felt it all – I was impatient, annoyed, frustrated and irritated. I couldn’t stand myself. I had to get off the phone.
“I’ve got to take a shower,” I said. “I’ll talk to you later.” It was the middle of the day but I was hot and bothered with myself and thought I could rinse it all away.
After my shower I called her back.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’ve been this way all week. I can’t figure it out.” I started telling her why I thought I was……………..
“Well, I’ve known you for a long time,” she said, chuckling. “I just know this is how you get sometimes. You’ve always been this way.”
I started laughing. “Really? That’s pretty funny. I keep waiting for it to stop. I keep waiting to be fixed of this. I guess if I just accepted it, it might not last as long or be so stressful. The worst part is thinking it’s shameful, wrong and makes me someone that people try to fix. I really hate that part most of all. I guess if I’m trying to fix it, somehow other’s want to “help me, too.” It’s not fun.”
I took a breath. I felt calm for the first time in weeks. I was relaxed. I could just be how I was. The pressure in my head had disappeared.
The sad/funny part is that I think I’ve realized all this before. Not to this extent or about this particular thing, but when I’ve gotten other ways I don’t like. That all I have to do is accept myself however I am. No matter what.
It’s so great when I remember that.
And then I forget it.
And now I remembered it again.
I guess it’s all fine. Just another day in the neighborhood. Ho hum!!!!
Well, it’s time to go to bed. Have a great sleep!!!