Creating Life

I promised to “say something new” today. And have the people in my life create something new for themselves for their life.

And I find myself mad.

I’m mad because my son isn’t listening to me. And because the person I am meeting is late.

I think I get mad when I feel like I’m the ass hole.

And I feel like the ass hole when I feel like a jerk.

When do I feel like a jerk?

When I feel like I don’t matter. Irrelevant. I’m making it up just like when I’m hurt or embarrassed. It’s in my paradigm of I shouldn’t be the way I am. Because if I was, they:

• would be listening
• wouldn’t be late
• would understand what I’m talking about
• would buy AFLAC
• would come to my women’s empowerment event
• would be excited about WHATEVER I want them to be

So, isn’t that interesting? Basically everything triggers that paradigm. I get mad and frustrated and don’t want to play. I want to get even. I want them to be wrong. I want them to PAY!!!!!

But if the world was really one big loving community and everyone was perfect exactly the way they were, then none of this would be personal. I am perfect and they are perfect.

So, can I give it up and say something new? My first thought is I DON’T WANT TO!! I’d rather just be mad.

But, truthfully, mad is getting old and not really fun. It’s lonely and lacks connection.

So, I can say that I can tell the woman coming to meet me how happy I am to see her and thank her for all of her referrals.

And I can create something with my son instead of living in fear and judgement. I can give up that I know better and trust him to learn from his experiences (I didn’t say mistakes but I wanted to!!!).

And I can trust that Mark will find his way. I can honor my sadness but trust that this is his path. It’s not my problem and I don’t have to fix either of my boys.

And I can have fun with my mom. That’s all she wants. She wants to laugh and talk and be happy. Not such a bad thing.

So, I will say something new and Create today. And I’m giving up that I don’t know how and don’t have time.

Here she is. Gotta go!!!