New Paradigm for Sex

I was on an extra Zoom session of my Sex and Intimacy seminar today. We have been looking at what we say about sex. One question is “what is wrong with sex?” We are to answer authentially, not what we THINK we should say in order to “look good.”

The first word I put down about what is wrong with sex is “Dangerous.” Well of course it is. My sister told me in high school not to do it. I could get pregnant. Guys wouldn’t respect me. I’d be labelled as a slut.

Then when AIDS came in the 80’s it really got dangerous. You could actually die from having sex and getting infected.

It’s not to say I didn’t have sex, but having it fit into another one of mine paradigms – I do stupid things. I’m gullible. I’m impulsive and I have proof. I bought my father two really stupid gifts growing up. In second grade I was too naive to know that the clay face I made my dad was phallic. The nose was really long and apparently could be construed as a penis with a hard on. How did I know at that age? It still embarrasses me to think about it. I saw my father’s friends make a face and decided they were laughing at my stupidity.

And the next was a sign I had made for my dad that I thought was really funny. It was a beautiful sign – It said Dr. Ernest I Arnow, DDS. If I had stopped there, it would have been usable. But for some reason, I wanted to make a play on words – I added “Doesn’t Do Shit” for the DDS. The sign maker tried to talk me out of it, but for some reason, I thought it was cute.

It wasn’t. My father could never use it. Every time I saw it on the floor of his bedroom, it reminded me of the stupid thing I did. I am still embarrassed today at my lack of judgment.

So what does that have to do with sex being dangerous? Good question. Let me think about it.

I guess it’s the old I can’t trust myself. I make the wrong choices and end up being hurt or embarrassed for being naive and thinking something was funny that wasn’t.

Shereen, my seminar leader, suggested that I consider that I live in a paradigm of being hurt. We can’t actually be hurt, she said. Someone might say something or do something, but there is no actual hurt in the world. Just like there is no embarrassment, I guess. I just add those things to my interpretation.

And then I get afraid to be hurt or embarrassed again. I protect myself or wait to be hurt. I set myself up to replay my driveway incident over and over again.

So how do I get free of this? Not by trying to get rid of “hurt.” That just makes it into “not hurt.” I’ve got to create a whole new paradigm.

And I don’t know how. All I can do is notice it for now I guess. Because anything else I want to create is to not have “hurt.” Protect myself, be smarter, make better choices, be more aware, speak up more.

All of that is in order to not get hurt. If I create that the world is safe, I think that’s still about not getting hurt. I’m not sure.

What would life be like if I couldn’t get hurt by what people say? What if they could say anything and it wouldn’t affect me? What if the world is one big community where everyone loves each other. Is that still fixing the hurt? I don’t know.

What if we are all perfect and can live our authentic selves? And everyone finds a perfect partner where they connect on all three chakras – heart, head and body.

That would be a cool world. You just keep looking until you find the perfect person for you. No settling. No fear. Abundance and love and connection and peace and intimacy. Trust and safety (oops that’s because otherwise you are in danger – scratch that one).

I wouldn’t have to be afraid of hurting people’s feelings. I wouldn’t be afraid of saying no. I could talk to everyone. I might relate or be interested in some more than others. That’s not a problem.

Well, I have no idea if I’m on the right path, but at least I am in an inquiry instead of just being confused and annoyed that I can’t figure it out. We are only in our fourth session of a ten session seminar so I know there is more to come. Guess I’ll just have to be patient.

Thanks for listening. Have a great Sunday!!!!

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