Why?

I had so many other things I was going to write, but they just don’t seem important right now.

Why did my friend kill herself this morning?

I wish I knew.

As far as I am concerned, she was cute, funny, vivacious, and generous.

I’m assuming she didn’t feel that way about herself.  That she thought her negative thoughts were real.  That no one could help her.  Or that no one understood.  Or that she was a burden.

I guess I’ll never know.

I do know that for me, whatever I’m thinking is usually way worse when it’s in my head than when I actually say it.  Once it’s out, I can look at it and realize that it’s sort of silly and not true.

But not when it’s in my head.  And, I’m assuming that Fran listened to her negative thoughts.  And thought they were true.

I only wish I, or anyone, had one more chance to tell her not to listen to those thoughts.  To tell her how loved she was and cherished.  How special she is/was.

And it’s too late.  And it breaks my heart that she killed herself not knowing that.

So I will tell her now.  Fran, you were a really good friend when we lived in the city together.  I loved having complaining contests with you.  Who’s life was the worst?  But we laughed about it.  We made the bad stuff into a good story which was entertaining.  I wish I could have done that with you this week so the bad didn’t seem so real.

I loved laughing with you about our Packer’s disease.  It made the struggle of trying to not pack too much funny.  Because no matter what we said, we always overpacked – you never know what the weather will be, what shoes you will need,  or what you will feel like wearing.  So bring it all!!!  We almost laughed.  I loved sharing that joke with you.

Fran, I wish you could have talked to me.  I wish you could have shared your burden and I could have transformed it so you could have seen that tomorrow could be better.  I wish you were still here, laughing and joking with all of us.

I miss you already.  And, I’m sure your family does, too.  If you can, wherever you are now, surround them with your love and ease their pain and guilt.  Assure them that it was nothing they did.   Assure them that you love them and want them to go on.  If you can.  Obviously, I don’t know if that’s possible.  I can only wish.

I love you, my little Fernie.  I’m thinking of you and hoping you are at peace.  Goodbye, my friend.