It’s Labor Day weekend. I’ve been with friends, relaxed on my amazing deck, eaten healthy, talked with family. And yet, I feel so fucked up. (And, I’m now allowing myself to swear because it’s a true expression for me. No more trying to be the good girl who everyone approves of — so take that if you’re tsk, tsking).
Driving home from the gym this morning I just had this big lump in my throat. What for? Everything is great.
So I will just stream of consciousness this…..
One of my friends is engaged. She came over yesterday. She told the guy to fuck off so now maybe she’s not engaged. After telling me about him he sounds like another socioopath. He’s perfect except for the couple of days a month when he’s really mean and takes everything out on her. And, what makes me very worried, he really wants to get married really fast and soon. What the fuck? And, there are situations that he has that in both of our opinions she should not sign up for.
I didn’t tell her I think he’s a sociopath. But, of course, it reminded me of mine.
And I got sad.
I started looking at that. When I was with S. (Sociopath), I felt like I was ok. Feeling loved was like a drug. I realized two minutes ago, for the first time in my life, I felt like I wasn’t alone. That there was someone there who REALLY had my back. I could go to him when I couldn’t figure something out and he would help me. He didn’t act like I was crazy or annoying.
It was wonderful.
Last night we had fun dancing at the block party down the street. The last two people left and I got this horrible feeling. “I am alone.”
It seemed weird to me since two minutes before there were people with me. And, I’ve had it before.
Like I’m all alone and no one cares and it’s ALL ON ME!!! Right now I’m just feeling this REAL HEAVINESS!! This BURDEN!! This heavy anvil on me.
I think I think that it’s my job to keep everyone happy. To do it all myself. To not ask for help. To be fine.
And really, all this little girl insides wants is for someone to REALLY love her and take care of her. To tell her she’s ok and can ask for help. That she doesn’t always have to be so strong or try to be good.
tt’s ok to tell people that I’d really like a life partner. To go through life with. To have someone I can rely on. Who can help me when things are hard.
During my 20 year marriage, my ex husband was reliable in some ways, but childish in others, especially our finances. I tried to turn a sinking Titanic around for 20 years but I finally decided I didn’t need to. I just got off the ship.
With S (Sociopath), I finally relaxed and gave my heart thinking I finally found someone who accepted me just as I was. And I didn’t feel alone. Only it was all based on a lie that he was single and available. And when his wife found out, he turned against ME. That was excruciating.
I’m having a good cry about this and it feels good to let this out. I’m tired of pretending I’m fine. I’m tired of trying to do it all myself. Of trying to please everyone and try to be who I think they think I should be. It’s fucking exhausting.
So who will I be instead? I don’t really know.
I’m reading “Lit,” by Mary Karr where she gets sober and is now finding God. Maybe I will pray. It seemed to work for her.
And give myself some space to just be fucked up right now.
Even though it’s a beautiful day and everything is great.
I’m allowing myself a good cry, a few minutes to pray, and to trust the universe to take care of me right now and forever more.
I guess it’s called letting go. It’s a strange but relaxing feeling.
Wish me luck.
PS I have to go so not reading through it again to edit it. Oh well.