I have seen this week that when I am disappointed, I go into this whole sad story about my life.
If I can literally just be disappointed, I can experience it without resistance, and it can be over in ‘between a few minutes to an hour.’
If I go into the story, it will last a lifetime and I will be right about how the world is.
Would you like an example? I thought so………………………………………………
Oh my. Every example I think of has me saying:
“No, I can’t share that, it’s too embarrassing to admit that I thought the thought that has me embarrassed.”
So it’s deeper than disappointment or embarrassment.
I think I’m stupid for thinking that the thing itself was real or true. Wow. that’s good to see. I am going to get over that right now.
OK, here goes:
- Today I was excited because I thought I was leading a call. I was mistaken. I’m embarrassed that I thought I was. It was just a wrong assumption I made, but I am mortified that someone will find out that I thought I was when I obviously wasn’t and didn’t. (Who the hell am I to have thought that?)
- I thought I was visiting a friend at work today and was excited about it, but it turns out, today is not a good day and so I am not (And I could add all sorts of horrible things about how life is and I knew it and I’m stupid for thinking it, etc., but I’m not)
- I thought I was visiting my mom with my son tonight for Christmas Eve. It’s her wedding anniversary and my dad is no longer alive so I thought it would be a great way to celebrate the night with her. But, it turns out, that my son has not been strict with wearing his mask, so I don’t want to take the small risk of him giving her the COVID germ. Even though he just had COVID and tested negative a couple of weeks ago, it’s not 100% that he can’t have it again.
- So I have to choose between my mom and my son and I REALLY HATE THAT!!! It’s not as bad as Sophie’s choice, but that’s the way it feels right now. (THIS SHOULDN’T BE THIS WAY. I’m in an argument with reality)
- People say they love me and I don’t believe them. I think people just say that, but it’s only a matter of time before they will do something that I will take personally and then I’ll be right that I KNEW THEY REALLY DIDN’T. I use evidence like a look, a tone, a comment to PROVE that they CAN’T REALLY LOVE ME so I can be right. (That’s what I am taking apart here – bear with me).
The story I’m trying not to invoke is this:
People lie. They say a lot of bull shit and they don’t mean it. I have to protect myself by never getting my hopes up so I am NEVER DISAPPOINTED because I hate the feeling of disappointment. It means I am right that there is something wrong with me and no one can love me. Any disappointment triggers this and then I get sulky and sarcastic and defensive and pathetic. I am seeing the impact on my life and it’s freaking exhausting.
A new interpretation:
People love me and sometimes there are miscommunications. People sometimes forget what they say. Sometimes things don’t work out. Sometimes people are in bad moods, make a face, and say things.
None of it has anything to do with me.
Wow!! That is very freeing. I think I will take that on.
People love me. I can have what I want. AND, shit happens and it doesn’t mean anything.
This is very cool. Thanks for listening.
PS Today I was interviewed on a public radio show for 7 minutes. It was SO MUCH FUN. I was nervous but I loved it. By December, 2021, I am creating that I have my own show. People tell their stories, get their greatness and create lives they love, and inspire millions who also get empowered to create live THEY LOVE. Wouldn’t that be fun?