Today I was SO MAD I couldn’t see straight. I was mad at my daughter, mad at the way I was treated on a phone call, and mad at myself for being mad.
I was so mad I couldn’t even LOOK at my daughter. I was convinced she took me for granted, was using me for money, didn’t respect me, treated me like an ass hole, and was a terrible person.
I was also convinced that a woman from work treated me like an ass hole, was throwing me under the bus, and was disrespecting me in front of my boss.
As a matter of fact, I was convinced that the whole world was doing that. EVERYONE treated me like an ass hole and I was TIRED OF IT.
I was so mad I couldn’t talk. I was just stewing inside my head. I couldn’t smile and all I could do was growl. I was in a course and I let everyone else go because I was in a state. They could tell and they just let me be.
As I listened to them, I wondered what was wrong with me. I shouldn’t BE This way. I shouldn’t be mad and upset and angry. I should be rainbows and lollipops, perky and peppy, Pollyanna, Pippi Longstocking, and every other happy character. But I wasn’t. I didn’t know what to do to get the octopus arms from strangling me.
Then I had a thought. What if I granted myself being? Just let my mad be. Allow it. Not resist it. I was upset by my STORY of what happened. I granted myself being. I just let myself have all of the upset and angst. I stopped resisting it.
All of a sudden I could breathe again. My body started relaxing. The octopus arms were loosening from around my neck and chest. The corners of my mouth moved into an almost smile.
I texted my daughter that I was sorry. I was in an amygdala hijack. My story that she was using me for money, had no other use for me and was mean, had seemed true.
After that, I could see that I made it all up. I didn’t like her expression as she walked out the door this morning. She was on her way to a dermatology appointment where they were doing a facial for $211 and I got triggered by her “cavalier attitude.”
That trigger hijacked me into a young story that I am irrelevant, don’t matter, am misunderstood, treated like an ass hole, AND, since everyone else is going to leave me, I will get rid of them first. ADIOS!!! Even my very own daughter.
I could see that if somebody doesn’t act the way I think they should, I make them wrong and alienate them. I am in a course on trust and this is what I’ve seen. When things don’t happen as I want, I give up on them and quit, allowing my resignation to take over.
If I could just be with the world as it is, it wouldn’t be personal, and I could be free. I could ALLOW life to unfold and give up my rigid, narrow agenda of how things SHOULD go so I could be ok.
Live and let live.
Trust the hands of God and the journey. Ask people what they want and empower them to have it.
I could relax, enjoy life, and exude love and joy.
That would be a very different life than being mad and wrestling the octopus.
Neither is wrong. One is just a lot less stressful.
Thanks for listening.