Because today I have seen that I am not. I am run by my rules, standards, and worries. Here are the 3 out of 4 plaguing me right now:
- Getting It Right: I stopped recording videos because I got “advice on how to do them” I KNEW I couldn’t get it right, so………Fucked up Conclusion: Why bother doing them at all?
- Keeping People Happy: I’ve tried to accommodate them, listen to them longer than I want to, do things I don’t want to do, and basically try to please them any way I can, sacrificing my own happiness in the process, AND, …….guess what? They are not happy anyway……..Fucked Up Conclusion: Why waste my time if they are going to be mad anyway? Fuck ’em as my Dad used to say.
- Be Nice: I told my neighbor’s visitor not to park in my parking spot. He hadn’t realized he was in my spot so I felt REALLY MEAN. I spent the night numbing myself with two hard seltzers and chips because I felt like “that mean bitch” I’ve tried to avoid being. Fucked Up Conclusion: It doesn’t matter whether I speak up or not – I’m going to judge myself either way so it’s a lose-lose situation.
- Don’t Act Crazy: There was a strange man following me last night. The hairs on my arms were standing up. I almost didn’t call 911 because I was afraid they would think I was paranoid, crazy and worrying about nothing. The policeman came, and while he was talking to me got another call about the same guy. He was harrassing people in their cars down the road. “Your instincts were good,” he said. Not Fucked Up Conclusion: When you feel danger, ACT. I’m glad I did.
Let’s see if I can use my accesses to freedom:
- sharing – that’s what I’m doing
- saying what I don’t think I should say – I don’t think I should be telling you all this
- not resisting my experience – I am definitely resisting how I feel
That’s a big one. I’m pretending everything is fine. It’s not. I’m afraid if I make a mistake, people will leave. I don’t feel nice. I don’t like people mad at me. I miss my Dad. I wish I could help my mom. I don’t like when people are upset because of me. I don’t MEAN to hurt them.
I pretend I don’t care, but I do.
I’m going to just BE how I am. And it’s fine. I don’t have to be another way. I’m just going to be me – AS I AM. Mistakes and all. I will follow my heart, instead of my mind.
Wow!! What a concept.
Imagine if YOU could be free. Imagine if you could be however you are, right now, free to follow your heart instead of your mind. How would your life be?
Have a great day.