Just Tired

I am just tired. All I want is to be horizontal in my bed. My body hurts. It’s only 6:27 PM and I think it’s too early to go to sleep.

Or is it? Last night I was in bed by 7:30 PM. And I slept.

I think I am just recovering from the last few weeks. I had stressed myself out about the move – what to bring, would I yell at my mom, what will it be like, can I go to the gym and not get sick, etc.

So many worries…..

And here I am, two days into my two month stay at my mother’s, and it’s been fine. I only brought two pairs of sneakers. That’s my biggest mistake. And I can’t find the sheet that says how many of each vitamin I take.

That’s really it. Pretty amazing. All that energy and exhaustion spent……..

I forgive myself. I did the best I could do. Let it go…………………

I am actually alone at my mother’s this weekend. I took her to New Jersey yesterday to meet my Pennsylvania sister who took her to her house for a few days.

So I’m alone for the first time in a while. I had been enjoying my nice time alone in my beach cottage, but then two months ago, my kids decided to move into my tiny place with me. It was nice, but not the same as having my own space.

I love this. I don’t have to worry about how much noise I make working out in the morning or who’s counting the number of times I pee at night. Am I waking them up? Do they think I’ve got a problem? Did I move the razor in the bathroom? Will anyone know? Will they think I messed with their stuff? And on and on and on……..I know it’s me, but it doesn’t seem like I can help it.

And here’s the big one: I woke up with a sore throat the first morning here. I didn’t want to tell anyone. I was ashamed that I was going to “kill” my mother since someone said it was a symptom of corona. Also my back and neck hurt which apparently were all signs that I WAS INFECTED. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want anyone to know.

The funny thing is (or not so funny), is that as soon as I confessed my sin and pain, it all went away. All of it stopped hurting. When I was hiding the fact that I was “a killer,” I was in pain and it was getting worse. Very interesting.

And now I sit in pain again. I went back to the gym yesterday to try it. I HATED sweating in my mask. I felt like I had on a “zit maker” like when I used to ski. We had these things that went around our mouths and when we were done skiing, our entire chins were broken out. It was not a good look.

Frankly, I’m too old to break out, aren’t I?

And then I played tennis with my son yesterday and today. I haven’t done that in years. I felt like I was walking on knives that were going through my legs. Am I just too old? Too stressed? Or maybe just haven’t played in a while.

So here I sit waiting for it to get late enough to get into bed. Should I make that wrong? Am I too boring? Is this a problem?

Or am I just tired after some stressful and busy weeks. I can allow myself some self-compassion and love and let my body tell me how to take care of ME.

It sounds very la-dee-dah and self-indulgent, but maybe it’s just smart. Where do I think I’m going anyway during Corona? To the bars? I’d probably not be much fun anyway. I’d just be waiting until I could leave and go to sleep. So why bother?

Anyway, enough complaining/venting/musing.

I am still contemplating moving this blog to my web site. But that just doesn’t feel right. I want to start a newsletter with my blogs highlighted, but I feel that the ones I write here are just too personal. Who knows? Food for thought.

Anyway, thanks for listening and have a great 4th of July!!!

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